On breaking up gracefully

[danaeris]

I've been doing some thinking on how to deal with breakups, because I'm watching people deal with them, and it is calling some of my conceptions into question.

Leaving my ex-husband was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. He further complicated the process by failing to respect my requests for space, showing up at one of my classes to corner me, and sending me seven page emails once a day for weeks.

Perhaps it was a sign of my immaturity that I was unable to give him the closure he deserved. However, he wasn't asking for closure. He was too... cloying to do that. He did everything from praising me as his angel to condemning me as wicked and evil. I learned that, at least for someone as codependent as I am, space -- and having that space respected -- is absolutely essential to heal from the relationship.

As a result, I developed an ethic that said that if someone says that they are leaving, the dumpee should respect that. They can ask, politely and respectfully, for explanations, closure, and discussion, but have no right to demand it. Furthermore, the dumpee has an obligation to avoid making any displays of emotion which may be harder on the dumper than necessary; communication should be kept to a minimum except when the dumper has consented to it. And above all else, I should never try to convince the other person to take me back.

Then, several years later, the tables were turned, and unseelie dumped me after a year and a half together.

I tried to follow the ethic I'd designed. I did IM him at one point and ask him if he had thought of trying A, or B, to save our relationship. It was clear that the contact caused him a great deal of anguish. He was struggling with his codependent instincts, which told him to do what I wanted. I was struggling with the idea that I was losing something truly precious, and watching it slip away was incredibly difficult. I even extracted a promise that in a couple of months, we'd have coffee, and see if he or I or both or neither of us were willing to try going on a date/re-opening the relationship. He expressed a willingness, but by the time that time came around, I no longer wanted to be with him (well, actually, I was conflicted, but knew it was not good for me, and wouldn't have taken him back if he had asked).

The thing is that when I left my ex-husband, I was RIGHT. The relationship was doomed. No amount of therapy or talking would have made me happy in the relationship. And when unseelie left me... HE was right. The relationship was not healthy for either of us. I just couldn't see it back then.

So, I begin to ask myself:
What does the dumper owe the dumpee?
and
What kind of behaviour is appropriate on the part of the dumpee, and how does that change based on the longevity or seriousness of the relationship?

Dumper
When I dump people, I feel it is my obligation to provide them with closure. Maybe not right away. But eventually. And it is my obligation to let them know that I plan to provide them with closure (ie. an explanation of what happened, from my perspective) once I've had the space I need to prepare for that.

However, if the Dumpee fails to respect that space in any serious stalkerly fashion, I feel that to some extent, the Dumpee forfeits their moral high ground. They've made things infinitely more emotionally taxing for the Dumper and thus, it becomes reasonable, forgiveable, and acceptable for the Dumper to NOT give the Dumpee closure.

Still, I think I would want to write an email providing my side of the story, send it, and then delete any responses to avoid a verbally abusive dialogue.

Dumpee
When I am dumped, I strive to give the Dumper the most space. I strive to respect them and their decision, and have faith that they know what they are doing. I try to acknowledge that I am only human, and will probably ask for SOME closure and may even ask if we couldn't try to fix it. But I will try to do that in a non-emotional medium such as IM or email, so as to give them more space. And if they say, "No, this is not fixable," I will take it on faith and get to work on getting over them. I will not try to talk them out of leaving me, because that's wrong.

So when is counseling or other efforts to salvage the relationship warranted?
This is the part I'm struggling with. When is it ok to try to talk an SO out of leaving you?

As the dumper, when I decide to dump someone with whom I was in a serious relationship, you can be damn sure that I will have left no stone unturned. However, I may also have left the SO out of it. I have a history of excluding the SO from the process, something which may be unfair to them. On the other hand, it is also unfair to them to cause them undue anxiety over a false alarm brought on by, say, PMS. I think nowadays, I would probably talk things over with them and even ask for counseling before dumping them.

As the dumpee, when do I have a right to say, "You're my partner, we've been together n gazillion years, and we need to try to work this out together?" At six months? Definitely not. At a year? Almost certainly not. At three years? To some extent. At five years? Probably.

What are your thoughts? Comment and/or fill out my poll. :)

[Poll #742965]

Comments

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

See, I've thought about these issues for a while. And as such, I think that I can't come up with a distinct algorithm for them based on time together *alone*. And if someone is really done with the relationship, to the point where they want to walk away, then they are done, for whatever reason... I'd like to know why things haven't worked for them for my own self-examination, but when we begin to get into the realm of demanding anything, that's a shaky proposition because to me, that dips into my own beliefs about what is unhealthy behaviour (e.g. being pushed, demanded of, or controlling).

I think there's a big difference between someone who will get out if x or y aren't worked on, and are willing to actively work on them with you (general) together, and someone who is already indicating they want out without working on it (with or without external assistance). I generally make agreements with my partners of 3 or more years that we will seek help if we have certain problems and cannot resolve them on our own, too, so demanding something isn't the approach anyway. We agree to work on things before they totally disintegrate.

That said, I can't say that external assistance will necessarily help anything. As in your experience with unseelie, I don't think any amount of therapy would have resolved the problems between my ex-husband and myself because we literally hit the wall of irreconcilable differences. How we viewed things was so completely different that a value shift was there, and one big enough to tear apart what was already worn down.

I think the value of relationship experience (good, bad, in-between) is knowing when to call it quits and why, for that particular relationship. I cannot put the number of years on it... I was with my ex-husband for over 12 years and I put therapy into it and nearly 2 years of waiting for things to change only to realise it was over long before then. It would have been healthier for both of us to have ended it sooner rather than remain deadlocked for so long. OTOH, I've had other partners I was involved with for 3-5 years and we transitioned our relationships to friendships within 6 months when we realised things weren't working as a romantic relationship, and those choices seemed to be right for us.

I think it's important to realise why things aren't working and how major the rift is, and know when it is irreconcilable. I think it's important to agree in advance when things are running smoothly as to when you'll seek help. And I think it's important to end things in the best way possible, knowing that, sadly, that isn't always possible. People change, and how they see things can change, too.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I think, based on what you're writing, that you and I are on the same page or thereabouts.

[ebenezer.livejournal.com]

I also concur.

[auror.livejournal.com]

I think the important point here is communication and effort. If you're not communicating and something is wrong, communicate. If you are already but have not tried to work it out (ie, discuss problems, but don't try to fix them) then try. If you are doing both and its still not working, well, then...

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Agreed!

I feel that too many people I know place an inordinately high value on relationships that are broken, and beat a dead horse to an astonishing degree. It's painful to watch.

[visage.livejournal.com]

Out of the blue, Alice dumps Barb. Barb does not feel that Alice's reasons are insurmountable, nor have there been any efforts that included Barb to move past them. It is okay for Barb to actively try to talk Alice out of it and/or demand counseling/mediation (so, not just mention as options, but actively try to convince) if they have been together at least...

Up until "and/or demand counseling/mediation", I was saying "regardless of how long they've been together."

I'm mostly of the opinion that as the dumpee one gets approximately one conversation of trying to talk the dumper out of it. That's if you've been together two weeks or if you've been together five years. But, if that conversation leaves the dumper saying "No, it's still over", then that's it. You've raised your points, perhaps you've found out information you didn't have before, you've provided an opportunity for the two of you to actually consider what's happening and why things haven't been resolved short of this event; if the dumper still thinks that it's over, then the dumpee pushing things further isn't productive.

[freefloat.livejournal.com]

Just curious, but what if the dumpee proposes working things out and the dumper agrees, "but not just yet?"

How would you classify the relationship status, or is that something to be agreed-upon between the partners involved?

[visage.livejournal.com]

Well, sure, if the dumper agrees to go along with some plan of working things out, that's beyond the scope of "what does the dumpee have the right to demand of the dumper?"

As for relationship status... as with any relationship status, there's a large degree to which that's what the people involved declare it to be. My personal take on it is that it sounds like they've broken up but plan on revisiting the issue in the near future. That'll probably feel a lot like limbo to the people involved.

[baniszew.livejournal.com]

As a dumper I've run into a problem of wanting to offer closure/explanations, but not being sure how to do so without opening up a long, painful dialogue when I'm sure things are unfixable. I end up keeping my explanations much shorter than I really feel they should be, but I've never been asked for more, so I guess I've done okay.

As a dumpee, I've had problems with being promised closure and then having that promise backed out on because the dumper didn't want to deal. I've learned to suck it up and move on without closure, but it would really be a lot easier if people gave my emotions the respect they said they would.

I think a lot of the problems stem from a conflict where the dumper doesn't want to have to go through the relationship and iron out which things were really there and which they just wished were there, and the dumpee feels that this process is important to understand why it ended and move on.

Thoughts - Part I

[rigel.livejournal.com]

I'd considered reading others' comments before responding but, as I am one of the people involved in a breakup and am thusly trying to sort out my ownhead when it comes to this, I figured I would give my own response initially.

The reason I have trouble responding to your poll involves wording. I don't think it's ever really ok to demand counseling or mediation. The closest exception to this would be a "for the kids" situation, and even then, not really a demand. Suggest? Sure. Request that a discussion at least happen about the utility of it? Yes. But no demands.

The notion of "talking someone out of it" has more gray area than I particularly like. Is asking someone for their perspective part of talking them out of it? Is asking for "reasons?" Does asking for reasons automatically presume the dumper having to justify their decision? What about the dumpee presenting their own impression? Is asking if this could be surmountable given what the dumper and dumpee has said considered talking them into it? If the dumper says it isn't, is asking why they feel that way wrong?

See, I don't think any of these things have to be wrong. I consider it in the spirit of open, honest communication. It should, however, be done as much as possible in a spirit of balance. The dumpee is likely to be hurt, depressed, angry, confused, any number of things. That can lead to communication considered excessive, irrational or manipulative. This should be avoided, particularly in situations with a dumper who tends to be exceptionally accomodating or is new to relationships or breakups.

This is where I fell down with my most recent breakup. I've tried not to judge myself too harshly for it given the circumstances; I was responding to the second of two "breakups" that were by my perception completely out of the blue. (I had perceived the first as more of a panic mode a la, "ACK ACK I HAVE ISSUES WITH THINGS AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THEM BUT I HAVEN'T MENTIONED THIS TO YOU YET WE BREAK UP NOW OK?!") Both had been done in a manner that I considered incredibly poor form, the first over voicemail and the second via a note. I left the first breakup feeling as though my partner had not considered communicated with me about the possibilities of improvement until after considering breaking up with me, and had expressly asked that he not break up with me via e-mail, mail, voicemail or any other non-real-time medium and address the reasons why, preferably with a hope to fix things before it got to the breaking point. The second "breakup" seemed similarly out of the blue to me, was done over a non-real-time medium, and every time I asked about his impressions or reasons, they changed. I was left feeling very confused, helpless and hurt. Add that to the other life stressors I had at the time, and I wasn't in a good state to respond with clarity or balance.

And I didn't, especially not at first. I cried. I tried to reason. I begged. I yelled. I even said hurtful things I really shouldn't have. It was more about how it was happening rather than that it was happening, but that doesn't absolve it. No one should have to go through this, especially someone in their first relationship initiating their first breakup.

Bottom line: I didn't trust him with his decision. I felt he had made a rash choice informed by inexperience, poor communication and cowardice, and I was pissed. The problem with this is that even if he did do all these things -- and I'm not saying whether I feel he did, still -- that's his choice. He's an independent operative, and I don't have any right to tell him not to make that choice.

Thoughts - Part II

[rigel.livejournal.com]

So while I was trying to gain closure and understanding, and possibly see if a resolution could be worked on, I did not trust him to sit with his panic enough to offer me that. I didn't like that, but I should have accepted it. I didn't accept it in part because I didn't know if I could respect him after making such a choice and his breakup was full of "please forgive me" and "please don't hate me" and "I'm sorry" and "(Maybe) we can . . .", as well as a fervent request to be friends.

In an effort to give him the friendship I wanted, I let my emotions get the best of me and laid into him for his behavior. Fair? . . . maybe? But not the best.

Still, I'm not sure how else I could or would have handled it better.

Re: Thoughts - Part II

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, your situation is particularly special. Of all the times to break up with you...

I was pretty uncomfortable with the way you were describing your behaviour during the breakup in your journal. But at the same time, I was appalled that he chose now, of all times, to dump you. Mostly, I was worried about you. I'm really pleased, and respect you, for acknowledging that your behaviour was not ideal.

The way I see it, in any situation, there is an ideal, and then there's what you can bring yourself to do given how strong you are and how much stress/pressure/etc. you are under. No one but you can judge that (ie. whether you could have handled it better *under the circumstances*).

When I left Daniel, I knew that I should be giving him more closure. But I did not have the strength to do it. I gave him everything I could to get closure, but it wasn't as much as I think I owed him. I still have severe guilt over that, but intellectually I accept that I do not have infinite strength; I'm human and can only handle so much emotional abuse/pressure/whatever.

*hugs* please take care of yourself, dear. I worry about you.

[metalana.livejournal.com]

On the original post & poll: My answers would vary depending on the personalities/tendencies involved. Some people (like me) really mean what they say when they say "it's over"; you don't try to convince them otherwise. Other people are just making an opening salvo; time to negotiate.

It's a pain when the dumpee gets stalker-like, but there is usually an option to ignore it. For instance, I once dumped a clingy desperate person. She kept calling to beg & plead, so I turned off the phone ringer, and collected 14 voice mails overnight. They stopped when I left a message saying that I would come & talk to her 2 days hence. The two days was sufficient for her to calm down, and the meeting gave us some closure. That was my messiest breakup; it can be done much more cleanly with someone less clingy.

As for the discussion with freefloat in comments: I too suspected your post was genericizing the current Arcadian drama, so I thought it was inappropriate timing for this noodling. The latest response you made to freefloat was quite indelicate, and I suggest you remove it from LJ, at least out of consideration for the other party involved. (Much as the limbo situation is frustrating and angering for everyone, including me, limbo happens.) [/lj-drama]

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you read into my posts something that is not there. I'm sorry that you view this as livejournal drama; if Freefloat had communicated with me directly (here or elsewhere) rather than communicating as she did, there wouldn't have been any difficulties.

While I appreciate the spirit in which you offered your advice, I personally have a distaste for unsolicited advice offered without permission, especially when given in a public forum such as livejournal. So I would ask that you not do this in the future.

[tikva.livejournal.com]

These are good questions, but time isn't really a useful variable for me. Unfortunately, I can't come up with anything quantifiable that would be better, though.

[badoingdoing.livejournal.com]

I think if the dumping has already happened, it's to some extent too late. I feel, however, that in a long-term relationship I would discuss things that are bothering me about a relationship long before dumping anyone, and make a mutual decision whether to seek councilling then, or how to work on the issues, etc.

Of course, in an oath-bound relationship (like a marriage, though I guess that's not the only kind), I'd consider the councilling step much more important.

[yiab.livejournal.com]

Since I have never really seen this situation from the dumper's perspective, I may be somewhat biased in my opinions, but here goes.

I think that, as with all situations, the key thing for both parties is to remember that you are dealing with a human being and to try to understand their emotional state and mental position, or at least to respect said position.

If it comes down to a concept of "oweing", I generally believe that the dumper owes the dumpee honesty and the dumpee owes the dumper a certain form of trust.

What form of trust am I talking about? It can be very difficult to trust someone who has initiated something unwanted and painful such as a breakup, which is exactly why I feel that this needs mentioning. I think that the dumpee needs to trust that the person doing the dumping is attempting to do what is best, at least for themself, and that pain is not caused maliciously here. Also, the dumpee should trust that if the dumper says there's no chance of things working out that they mean what they say.

Why does the dumper owe the dumpee honesty? From a purely practical perspective, whatever went wrong with the relationship might go wrong with another one later and the dumpee should have the chance of working it out or avoiding it in a later instance (the dumper should also have that chance, but presumably the dumper already knows what went wrong). Remember, even if the relationship's failure is entirely due to the dumper (i.e. "it's not you, it's me"), the dumpee still deserves a candid and honest explanation of the reasons as it might be something avoidable in future for them.

Of course, all this is my concept of an ideal situation where both individuals can repress their emotions for long enough to talk to have a serious, possibly lengthy conversation either during or soon after the breakup. It can be extremely difficult to control emotions in this kind of situation, so I doubt that my thoughts are often put into practice.

In this vein, both parties owe each other respect as fellow human beings and understanding when it comes to strong emotions influencing words and actions before, during and after the breakup.

People do not always act ideally and each party has to do their best to deal with things as best they can and to understand if/when the other party doesn't deal with things as well as desired.

Of course, my hyper-rational emotionally reserved way of dealing with these things has a way of putting the other party off, so it may not be the best idea to actually succeed at implementing my ideal method of dealing.

With regards to demanding counseling/mediation, I think that there is only one situation where demands of any kind can be made by either party and that is when the health or well-being of a third party (such as a child) is involved. I think requests and suggestions are fine, if proposed politely, unassertively, without manipulation and with the ability to accept a "no" answer, but demands are wholly inappropriate when the situation has no immediate, serious effect on a third party.

As for the "trying to talk the dumper out of it" part... I would say that the "one conversation to try" concept mentioned above is a good measure, with the proviso that both parties are in emotional states where they are able to carry on a serious conversation and actually consider possibilities with some measure of objectiveness.
That said, I think it would be a more ideal situation if the question is answered case-by-case. For example, the dumpee could ask the dumper something along the lines of "will you listen if i try and talk you out of this?" and if the dumper is being honest with the dumpee, that answer is infinitely more valid to their situation than the general policy above.

Ultimately, it seems to me, this comes down to the same things that everything social comes down to: understanding, respect and the ability to think rationally.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

IMO, very very well said. It's true that there are no rules that always work. But I wish there were sometimes, because otherwise it is hard to express why something isn't working.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

I would also add, that if you're going to say that 'we should be friends' you should mean it.

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

I would have to say that for me IMHO. I don;t feel I have enough of the skinny on Barb and Alice to know what kind of relationship they have. I feel kinda lost filling out the poll because I don;t know how strong their relationship is/was or many nuiances.

I feel uncomfortable quantifing it with a mathmatical formula of year/months etc. However I feel strongly that break-ups should involve both/all partners somewhat in the process.

It also depends on how much or what is invested in the relationship. I think that six months is a good benchmark for most relationships and for most people to say "this just isn't working" and for both/all to simply understand.

As for whether this is appropriate for LJ and the earlier comments I fel that this post has little if anything to do with the Arcadian drama. I also have no idea where peoples ability to see patterns begins and reality begins. Lets just all calm down and take a deep breath. I don't see anywhere anything about the particulars of this or anyones situation that could offend.

and yes D has had OTHER friends who have had break-up's lately...we've talked about this last night and previously.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

However I feel strongly that break-ups should involve both/all partners somewhat in the process.

This portion of your response fills me with anxiety when I think about it too much, in spite of the fact that intellectually our stances and likely behaviour patterns would be quite similar and compatible were push to come to shove (which it hopefully won't!). *hugsnkisses*

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

Yes your poll and questions confused me greatly.

I am one of those almost all things are open for discussion people.

A few exceptions apply.

However it is easy to see when done is done IMO. I have only ever had one break-up in my whole life (with the Q of D) an that was because SHE was an absolute psycho hose beast. It was ALSO a I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out relationship that happened in just enough frequency and regularity to fuck anyone up.

What can I say I was young.

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

Sorry I meant to say one BAD break-up...all others we remained good friends and sometimes even f*%k pals.

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

and actually I thought MY post about honesty and disclosure was FAR more relevant to the drama AND I mentioned Arcadia in the post!

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

Uh, I'd have to go with zero months and never in all cases. And I have to split that, because you talk about two options I feel are EXTREMELY different.

"Actively try to talk them out of it" I accept as normal behavior, if the dumpee has been at all happy with things--in fact, if that doesn't happen, that feels as if the dumpee doesn't care about the relationship.

"Demand counseling/meditation"--uhhh, demands, NO. Never. You don't get to demand something of me unless I have previously explicitly promised it to you. Then you get to demand it. Only then. An explanation, however, I think is implicitly promised in having a relationship at all. The dumper doesn't get to vanish without a word of explanation. Or rather, they can, but they are thereby an utter ass, a traumatic mistake that will take time to get over, and not somebody that anybody should date unless they like being abused.

That doesn't mean the dumpee has to like what they hear. That doesn't mean the dumpee has any other rights at all. But the dumpee shouldn't have to find out by say, calling the police and filing a missing persons report, or receive a restraining order or something.

Some people interact very differently from you.

[insomnia.livejournal.com]

If you're talking about a more casual, dating & sex-oriented poly relationship, then obviously the situation is different, the consequences far less for all concerned, and a request for counseling/moderation would in many cases be overkill, but for serious live-in partner relationships, I don't think it's wrong for those who are dumped to ask the other person whether they could try counseling, assuming that the relationship isn't abusive.

In such cases, it's okay to talk to the other person and ask that they not leave until therapy or other means have been tried. That may be a hard request to say no to, but it certainly isn't a "demand" for counseling or other mediation.

The dumper has no obligation to accept such a request, of course. Likewise, the dumpee has no obligation to let the dumper leave without talking through the rationale and seeing what could potentially be done to address the issues.

If the issues really are serious and the relationship is incompatible, then the dumper can and should clearly leave if they choose to do so. As for time, I don't see how it enters into it, as compared to the seriousness of the relationship. If you're living together for four, five, or six months, that's usually pretty serious.

Since when is it the dumpee's obligation to make sure that the dumper's feelings aren't exposed anyway? In many cases, the dumper may be acting out of cold, hardened feelings of anger, and hasn't seriously tried to work through the issues in the relationship, much less their own emotions.

So, I guess I would say, why should the expectation be that relationships shouldn't be hard work?

iceblink and I have had all sorts of hard issues in our marriage, with betrayals, affairs, bipolarism, bisexuality, major financial issues, health issues, polyamory, other live-in partners, etc. Any of these could've easily had ended our relationship, and things aren't perfect even today, but despite all the difficulties and changes, it's been worth it for both of us to not give up on it, and neither of us think we'd have done better on our own.

Really, I think that people are generally far too casual about who they get into serious relationships with AND about breaking up once they are in a serious relationship. They expect everything to be easy and for the NRE and romance to last forever, but it usually doesn't work that way. It requires real work and real commitment, and in many cases, those who aren't willing to accept the work and commitment wind up alone and quite often less happy, with unrealistic expectations that prevent them from developing any serious, lasting intimacy.

That's not to say that there aren't happy, healthy, content single people, but on average, I hear a lot more single people complaining that they can't seem to meet the right person than I do about married people wishing that they were single again.

[insomnia.livejournal.com]

I should say that I look at this mostly from the perspective of dealing with someone who has issues with depression and bipolarism.

Oftentimes, the natural reaction of someone who is suffering from serious, longterm problems in their life (whether mental illness, health-related issues, addiction-related issues, etc.) is to push others away amd self-destruct their lives. As a partner, you'd be doing them no favors by calmly letting them do so.

It's a lot like Plato's dialog on what is just. Is it always a just thing to return a person's knife? What if they're contemplating suicide?

The great majority of break-ups occur because of far less obvious, less rational reasons than you depict. Given the high stakes of breaking up relationships, I think it's important to make sure that any decision so major is made with both real communication and a level head.

[polywolf.livejournal.com]

This post made me flashback to oh 8 months ago. I was in a relationship and I asked them to give me space to re-examine the relationship. Yes I was and I am somewhat still not great at communicating, but at the time I felt that I needed to think clearly about what I was experiencing and feeling. The first thing she did was almost constantly e-mail me, ask my other partners what I was feeling and she tried calling me. This made things even worse for me.

I have some respect for everyone and I feel that if I told her the reasons I broke up with her it may hurt her deeply. It's only been recently that I've been able to even see this person without feeling a flood of emotions. I have realized that these are my feeling and it was nothing that she did per say. Despite her not respecting my space I've felt that I needed to apologize to her for not being more communicative and not talking to her about my issues.

I would agree with Visage in that time together in a relationship can be irrelevant. I would hope that anyone I'm in a relationship with would respect me enough to say that they are not happy and some things need to be discussed. If we discuss things and then we agree that any sort of compromise is not possible then yes the relationship should be over and each side walks away as friends.

Rigel I hope you don't mind but Danaeris told me about your current situation. Please take care of yourself, I've been partially in your shoes and it's not a good place to be. If you need someone to talk to just ask. 6 years ago my father lost his battle. I sincerely hope things go well, NEVER EVER lose faith that things will get better. I hope those that watch over us all grant you and your family the strength that you'll need to get through everything.

I also think that emotional stress can taint the way people handle situations. Last August my grandmother passed away after a long illness. This was a hard time for me because I was very close to her so all my reactions and emotions were not the best that they could have been. So on top of breaking up with my ex I had this going on and I was not a very happy camper.

Being Fixable:

I think “Fixable” depends on the problem and how it's been handled so far in the relationship. If for instance a partner who i've been with for awhile comes to me and says I can't stand this about you and I'm leaving. I would ask “why is this a problem now, you have never mentioned this before”. If this person and I have talked about this before and I haven't improved the situation then It's my problem and we deserve to break up.