On breaking up gracefully
Jun. 6th, 2006 10:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisI've been doing some thinking on how to deal with breakups, because I'm watching people deal with them, and it is calling some of my conceptions into question.
Leaving my ex-husband was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. He further complicated the process by failing to respect my requests for space, showing up at one of my classes to corner me, and sending me seven page emails once a day for weeks.
Perhaps it was a sign of my immaturity that I was unable to give him the closure he deserved. However, he wasn't asking for closure. He was too... cloying to do that. He did everything from praising me as his angel to condemning me as wicked and evil. I learned that, at least for someone as codependent as I am, space -- and having that space respected -- is absolutely essential to heal from the relationship.
As a result, I developed an ethic that said that if someone says that they are leaving, the dumpee should respect that. They can ask, politely and respectfully, for explanations, closure, and discussion, but have no right to demand it. Furthermore, the dumpee has an obligation to avoid making any displays of emotion which may be harder on the dumper than necessary; communication should be kept to a minimum except when the dumper has consented to it. And above all else, I should never try to convince the other person to take me back.
Then, several years later, the tables were turned, and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
unseelie dumped me after a year and a half together.
I tried to follow the ethic I'd designed. I did IM him at one point and ask him if he had thought of trying A, or B, to save our relationship. It was clear that the contact caused him a great deal of anguish. He was struggling with his codependent instincts, which told him to do what I wanted. I was struggling with the idea that I was losing something truly precious, and watching it slip away was incredibly difficult. I even extracted a promise that in a couple of months, we'd have coffee, and see if he or I or both or neither of us were willing to try going on a date/re-opening the relationship. He expressed a willingness, but by the time that time came around, I no longer wanted to be with him (well, actually, I was conflicted, but knew it was not good for me, and wouldn't have taken him back if he had asked).
The thing is that when I left my ex-husband, I was RIGHT. The relationship was doomed. No amount of therapy or talking would have made me happy in the relationship. And whenunseelie left me... HE was right. The relationship was not healthy for either of us. I just couldn't see it back then.
So, I begin to ask myself:
What does the dumper owe the dumpee?
and
What kind of behaviour is appropriate on the part of the dumpee, and how does that change based on the longevity or seriousness of the relationship?
Dumper
When I dump people, I feel it is my obligation to provide them with closure. Maybe not right away. But eventually. And it is my obligation to let them know that I plan to provide them with closure (ie. an explanation of what happened, from my perspective) once I've had the space I need to prepare for that.
However, if the Dumpee fails to respect that space in any serious stalkerly fashion, I feel that to some extent, the Dumpee forfeits their moral high ground. They've made things infinitely more emotionally taxing for the Dumper and thus, it becomes reasonable, forgiveable, and acceptable for the Dumper to NOT give the Dumpee closure.
Still, I think I would want to write an email providing my side of the story, send it, and then delete any responses to avoid a verbally abusive dialogue.
Dumpee
When I am dumped, I strive to give the Dumper the most space. I strive to respect them and their decision, and have faith that they know what they are doing. I try to acknowledge that I am only human, and will probably ask for SOME closure and may even ask if we couldn't try to fix it. But I will try to do that in a non-emotional medium such as IM or email, so as to give them more space. And if they say, "No, this is not fixable," I will take it on faith and get to work on getting over them. I will not try to talk them out of leaving me, because that's wrong.
So when is counseling or other efforts to salvage the relationship warranted?
This is the part I'm struggling with. When is it ok to try to talk an SO out of leaving you?
As the dumper, when I decide to dump someone with whom I was in a serious relationship, you can be damn sure that I will have left no stone unturned. However, I may also have left the SO out of it. I have a history of excluding the SO from the process, something which may be unfair to them. On the other hand, it is also unfair to them to cause them undue anxiety over a false alarm brought on by, say, PMS. I think nowadays, I would probably talk things over with them and even ask for counseling before dumping them.
As the dumpee, when do I have a right to say, "You're my partner, we've been together n gazillion years, and we need to try to work this out together?" At six months? Definitely not. At a year? Almost certainly not. At three years? To some extent. At five years? Probably.
What are your thoughts? Comment and/or fill out my poll. :)
[Poll #742965]
Leaving my ex-husband was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. He further complicated the process by failing to respect my requests for space, showing up at one of my classes to corner me, and sending me seven page emails once a day for weeks.
Perhaps it was a sign of my immaturity that I was unable to give him the closure he deserved. However, he wasn't asking for closure. He was too... cloying to do that. He did everything from praising me as his angel to condemning me as wicked and evil. I learned that, at least for someone as codependent as I am, space -- and having that space respected -- is absolutely essential to heal from the relationship.
As a result, I developed an ethic that said that if someone says that they are leaving, the dumpee should respect that. They can ask, politely and respectfully, for explanations, closure, and discussion, but have no right to demand it. Furthermore, the dumpee has an obligation to avoid making any displays of emotion which may be harder on the dumper than necessary; communication should be kept to a minimum except when the dumper has consented to it. And above all else, I should never try to convince the other person to take me back.
Then, several years later, the tables were turned, and
unseelie dumped me after a year and a half together.I tried to follow the ethic I'd designed. I did IM him at one point and ask him if he had thought of trying A, or B, to save our relationship. It was clear that the contact caused him a great deal of anguish. He was struggling with his codependent instincts, which told him to do what I wanted. I was struggling with the idea that I was losing something truly precious, and watching it slip away was incredibly difficult. I even extracted a promise that in a couple of months, we'd have coffee, and see if he or I or both or neither of us were willing to try going on a date/re-opening the relationship. He expressed a willingness, but by the time that time came around, I no longer wanted to be with him (well, actually, I was conflicted, but knew it was not good for me, and wouldn't have taken him back if he had asked).
The thing is that when I left my ex-husband, I was RIGHT. The relationship was doomed. No amount of therapy or talking would have made me happy in the relationship. And when
unseelie left me... HE was right. The relationship was not healthy for either of us. I just couldn't see it back then.So, I begin to ask myself:
What does the dumper owe the dumpee?
and
What kind of behaviour is appropriate on the part of the dumpee, and how does that change based on the longevity or seriousness of the relationship?
Dumper
When I dump people, I feel it is my obligation to provide them with closure. Maybe not right away. But eventually. And it is my obligation to let them know that I plan to provide them with closure (ie. an explanation of what happened, from my perspective) once I've had the space I need to prepare for that.
However, if the Dumpee fails to respect that space in any serious stalkerly fashion, I feel that to some extent, the Dumpee forfeits their moral high ground. They've made things infinitely more emotionally taxing for the Dumper and thus, it becomes reasonable, forgiveable, and acceptable for the Dumper to NOT give the Dumpee closure.
Still, I think I would want to write an email providing my side of the story, send it, and then delete any responses to avoid a verbally abusive dialogue.
Dumpee
When I am dumped, I strive to give the Dumper the most space. I strive to respect them and their decision, and have faith that they know what they are doing. I try to acknowledge that I am only human, and will probably ask for SOME closure and may even ask if we couldn't try to fix it. But I will try to do that in a non-emotional medium such as IM or email, so as to give them more space. And if they say, "No, this is not fixable," I will take it on faith and get to work on getting over them. I will not try to talk them out of leaving me, because that's wrong.
So when is counseling or other efforts to salvage the relationship warranted?
This is the part I'm struggling with. When is it ok to try to talk an SO out of leaving you?
As the dumper, when I decide to dump someone with whom I was in a serious relationship, you can be damn sure that I will have left no stone unturned. However, I may also have left the SO out of it. I have a history of excluding the SO from the process, something which may be unfair to them. On the other hand, it is also unfair to them to cause them undue anxiety over a false alarm brought on by, say, PMS. I think nowadays, I would probably talk things over with them and even ask for counseling before dumping them.
As the dumpee, when do I have a right to say, "You're my partner, we've been together n gazillion years, and we need to try to work this out together?" At six months? Definitely not. At a year? Almost certainly not. At three years? To some extent. At five years? Probably.
What are your thoughts? Comment and/or fill out my poll. :)
[Poll #742965]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Thoughts - Part I
Date: 2006-06-06 05:18 pm (UTC)The reason I have trouble responding to your poll involves wording. I don't think it's ever really ok to demand counseling or mediation. The closest exception to this would be a "for the kids" situation, and even then, not really a demand. Suggest? Sure. Request that a discussion at least happen about the utility of it? Yes. But no demands.
The notion of "talking someone out of it" has more gray area than I particularly like. Is asking someone for their perspective part of talking them out of it? Is asking for "reasons?" Does asking for reasons automatically presume the dumper having to justify their decision? What about the dumpee presenting their own impression? Is asking if this could be surmountable given what the dumper and dumpee has said considered talking them into it? If the dumper says it isn't, is asking why they feel that way wrong?
See, I don't think any of these things have to be wrong. I consider it in the spirit of open, honest communication. It should, however, be done as much as possible in a spirit of balance. The dumpee is likely to be hurt, depressed, angry, confused, any number of things. That can lead to communication considered excessive, irrational or manipulative. This should be avoided, particularly in situations with a dumper who tends to be exceptionally accomodating or is new to relationships or breakups.
This is where I fell down with my most recent breakup. I've tried not to judge myself too harshly for it given the circumstances; I was responding to the second of two "breakups" that were by my perception completely out of the blue. (I had perceived the first as more of a panic mode a la, "ACK ACK I HAVE ISSUES WITH THINGS AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THEM BUT I HAVEN'T MENTIONED THIS TO YOU YET WE BREAK UP NOW OK?!") Both had been done in a manner that I considered incredibly poor form, the first over voicemail and the second via a note. I left the first breakup feeling as though my partner had not considered communicated with me about the possibilities of improvement until after considering breaking up with me, and had expressly asked that he not break up with me via e-mail, mail, voicemail or any other non-real-time medium and address the reasons why, preferably with a hope to fix things before it got to the breaking point. The second "breakup" seemed similarly out of the blue to me, was done over a non-real-time medium, and every time I asked about his impressions or reasons, they changed. I was left feeling very confused, helpless and hurt. Add that to the other life stressors I had at the time, and I wasn't in a good state to respond with clarity or balance.
And I didn't, especially not at first. I cried. I tried to reason. I begged. I yelled. I even said hurtful things I really shouldn't have. It was more about how it was happening rather than that it was happening, but that doesn't absolve it. No one should have to go through this, especially someone in their first relationship initiating their first breakup.
Bottom line: I didn't trust him with his decision. I felt he had made a rash choice informed by inexperience, poor communication and cowardice, and I was pissed. The problem with this is that even if he did do all these things -- and I'm not saying whether I feel he did, still -- that's his choice. He's an independent operative, and I don't have any right to tell him not to make that choice.