A Danae of All Trades

What I'm about to say is relevant to monogamous situations as well to some extent, but I'm writing it from a polyamorous perspective.

We all have needs. But what I've come to realize is that more often than not, we rely on a very small pool of people to fulfill those needs.

When that happens, your relationships become user relationships. You end up spending time with your friends and lovers not because you want to spend time with THEM, but because you need to get laid, or need a companion with whom to shop, or because you need your gaming fix or a ride to the supermarket.

The way I see it, that's not right. If I'm going to make love to one of my sweeties, I want it to be because I want to make love with THEM, not because I'm jonesing for a good lay.

That's why it seems to me that ideally, to be healthy, I need to have more than one person who can meet each need, so that no one person is relied upon completely for that need. In fact, the more people who are available to meet a particular need of mine, the more freedom I have to be with those I love for love. For them.

This is a large part of why I was so happy in Boston, and so miserable in SF. Why my relationship with claymore was relatively healthy, and my relationship with unseelie was inherently unhealthy. In Boston I had a massive number of friends of varying types. I was an established, independent woman who knew her way around town and got by just fine. And I had in the end two boyfriends and four lovers, plus a number of other people with whom things might develop. In SF, I relied upon Unseelie for most of my emotional support, physical support, sexual needs, etc.

These are mistakes I do not want to repeat. I need to make sure that I don't neglect friendships for relationships. That I remember how to be independent and don't come to rely on my SOs for support or rides to the supermarket, etc. all the time That I amass a large harem of fuck buddies to boink when I'm feeling randy.

You didn't think I'd leave that part out, did you? ;)

Seriously speaking, however, I think this applies pretty universally. OK, so people who are less slutty than me might not aim to get their sexual needs met by lots of people. But what I'm saying can apply to needs which are relevant even in a monogamous situation. If you're monogamous, and you like to go dancing, but will only go with your spouse, then you're relying on them for that need to be fulfilled. And if they are too busy for a while because work gets crazy, or if they just plain don't like dancing as much as you do, there's a problem.

This isn't quite done; I have more thoughts on it. But they will not be written tonight, I think.

I've recently read tidbits of two books (Ethical Slut and Pagan Polyamory) that deal with insecurities and jealousies, and I came to realize that there is something neither of them mentions which I feel is quite important.

Discussiones of insecurities, fears, and jealousy often centre upon your self-esteem. Certainly, self-esteem is a factor to consider.

However, much of the time that I fear something, my self-esteem is great. That fear is coming from something else. Either...

(1) I am judgemental about something, and therefore I fear others judging me about that same thing
OR
(2) Either a parent, sibling, or person with whom I spend a lot of time is judgemental about something, and therefore I fear that they and others will judge me about that same thing.

There are two cases for Source 1 with different methods for coping.

Case A: The personality flaw in question is a topic for serious concern. My fear of being judged is therefore revealing... it means that deep down inside, I feel that I am not measuring up in a way that matters. Part of the solution here is to admit that I think I am 'guilty as charged,' and then make a concerted effort to fix it so that I am no longer 'guilty.' But even more important is to change how I frame this. Instead of judging myself for this, learn to view this flaw with compassion. Tell myself, "Yes, I have this flaw. But I am still an amazing person, and I still love myself. The fact that I am aware of this, and acknowledging it, and making efforts to change it, all show that I am not a bad person, and that I am still worthy of love and respect."

Case B: The personality flaw in question is not something worth worrying about. In this case, strange as it may sound, I find that the answer is to learn to not judge others for this not-flaw. Once I can learn not to judge others, I no longer fear that others will judge me... and I come to believe that if they do, they are wrong to do so.

As for Source 2... it seems that because of my codependent tendencies, this is a common pattern. I will absorb the values of those around me to some extent. This is very psychically damaging. To exorcise this demon, I find it is worthwhile to state things clearly to myself. Say, "Although this person believes this to be an unforgiveable flaw, I do not, nor do I have to accept their values over mine. I am proud of myself and I accept this part of me, even if they cannot. Their inability to accept this part of me is their own flaw to bear, and not mine."

What it all comes down to is that on an instinctual level, I expect people to treat me the way I treat them, and to think like I do. If I become more loving and accepting and less judgemental, then I will fear being judged, rejected, and derided far less. And perhaps so will those around me.

Yesterday and today seem to be a font of low-level poly drama.

First, someone pointed me towards a post a sweetie's primary made in the poly community, in which she expressed dismay that discussing a shared SO is taboo and that the secondary doesn't have to deal with the woe or pressure of a depressed SO.

I didn't think it was necessarily about me, but I emailed her anyway to check in. Here's part of what I wrote:

Having said that, I wanted you to know that, in my mind, one of the joys and strengths of polyamory is the support we can ALL provide each other. I DO spend time talking with my partners' sweeties, both about what we love and hate about them, as well as the tough times they are going through. What's more, I consider my partners' sweeties to be a part of my family. One of the reasons I did not ask out [our shared SO] until I did was that I had not had the opportunity to get to know YOU at all. [snip] when we had dinner at the Indian restaurant in late summer, I had the opportunity to see you for the stellar person that you are. I don't date people unless I like and respect their primary and preferably, secondaries as well.

She's responded. Everything is cool, and she seemed to like my response... either to find it comforting or flattering or positive, anyhow. Yay!

In the less-resolved category, I had this weird interaction with another SO and her SO, and that needs to be sorted out. I got snarky when something made me uncomfortable, and have apologized, but I need to smooth things over and make sure that everyone is being heard. I'm sure it will work out fine though. The people involved are all good communicators overall, and they are all genuine, caring friends.

---

Last night I stayed in after all my thoughts about events. I tried to get laundry done but someone from upstairs had left their laundry in the dryer. I did manage to run the comforter through the wash and dryer, which is good since it has had caked detergent since before I moved because of a sadly failed attempt to clean it.

Before I went home I stopped at Fortinos and picked up some house stuff. So much to buy! It keeps on adding up...

I can't seem to run the microwave without tripping the breaker. I might try moving it to a different outlet, and in the meantime, I have the stove and toaster.

I watched Boys Don't Cry last night while I messed around on the laptop. The annoying country accents aside, it was an interesting and good movie. And, sadly, fairly representative of the worst case scenario of what happens when a trans person tries to pass in small-town america (and possibly small town canada). Hell, even in big town America... just look at what happened to Gwen Araujo only a few years ago! It makes me angry, but what makes me angrier is that even my parents look at this and try to identify with the killer.

Background: Randy showed up on the list, and his only experience is "discreet" relationships in his native pakistan. He shows up at the social and is trying to buy women drinks and asks one woman if she's available for regular sex trysts after Monday socials. He even tried to touch this woman's crotch.

On the list I've been doing my best to lay the smack down about what is and is not acceptable at the social and what is and isn't poly. He has stated he believes a relationship with any form of veto is not poly, and that we should resolve to bring home a new sex partner every Monday night, and that not wanting to do so would make us boring and not very poly.

I laid down the law about no touching and propositioning in my last email.

He wrote:
Danae's comment about touching etc. is Danae's own imagination. As for the threat of fisty-cuffs, GROW UP Danae!

I was going to respond:
In fact Randy, as the co-founder and organizer of the social, this is not my imagination, but very much my line to draw. Given your words on this list, I no longer feel hesitant in saying publicly that there have already been several women who have complained about your inappropriate behaviour and touching to me in my role as organizer. I stand by my statement. Neither your attitude nor your behaviour at the last social are welcome, and if you don't accept that what you are saying is NOT the way the poly community is and modify your behaviour appropriately, you will be ejected summarily from the social. Period. Pubs have bouncers for a reason.

Now I'm wondering, however, if I should see if BC and Siobhan (the email list moderators) are willing to moderate him or have him removed from the list (seems unlikely), and also, whether I should outright say that he is NOT welcome.

Any thoughts? Should I send this, take this off list, make it harder line (ie. you aren't welcome period) or what? Do I add something about not letting this drama hurt our community, or thank BC and Siobhan for putting up with this on the list?

Meh. Advice is more than welcome; we need to nip this in the bud today or tomorrow, and I don't know when I'm going to lose WiFi here in Boston.

So tonight I went to the FAQs movie night. They were showing But I'm a Cheerleader and Broken Hearts Club (which I hadn't seen).
It was interesting. No one announced their sexual orientation during introductions, as though they were uncertain what to do. People who were there who I knew from other contexts looked a little nervous/uneasy/surprised to see me. There were only three girls there including myself, and one of them was someone I already knew.

Broken Hearts was a really good movie. In many ways, it didn't really speak to me because I'm not a gay guy, and there was just a token lesbian couple in it. But it was still really beautiful, and made me feel all emotional and stuff.

Afterwards I chatted with some friends from various venues. One of them said something that made me feel bad even though he didn't mean it that way, and probably didn't know. I think it was because it was referring to something I'm a bit self conscious of.
Which brings us to one of my many issues---being thought of negatively by others. I care too much about other people's opinions. I don't know why. If someone criticizes me about something I think is bullshit, I'll fail to care. But if I'm the least bit sensitive about the topic, it will bother me a lot..
Hm, is that true? Because it bothers me when people are censorious about my sex life, but I don't believe that there is anything wrong with my sex life. Does this mean that I'm sometimes bothered about topics that I'm sure I'm ok with, or that I'm not actually ok with my sex life? Or maybe sensitivity and 'being ok' aren't the same thing.

Hmm, food for thought.