A Danae of All Trades

Last night I was being angsty and slightly paranoid, and fixating on dumb things when I needed to get work done. At one point I apologized to rbowspryte for being so crazy, and she said, "You're not crazy, dear, you're just paranoid."

*giggles*

Anyway, this morning I felt... oddly dizzy and lightheaded. I attributed it to having not quite enough sleep and being dehydrated, and dieting, and all those sorts of things.

But today, my alarm for my meds goes off, and I pull it out, and low and behold, there sit my meds for Thursday.

This is the first time I've ever forgotten to take these things entirely, or possibly the second time. And hey, the world didn't end! I've been a little cranky and angsty, but mostly ok.

Makes me wonder if I could ditch the things entirely... But one day of withdrawal is not the same as quitting entirely. And, with no local psychiatrist to help me through the process, it would be ill advised to say the least.

Here's to recovery and sanity! *downs a pill*

If you:

• Suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, or have a family history of parkinsons or senility


• Work in education or have children


• Work with people with disadvantaged backgrounds


• Are interested in questions about mental health, poverty, or education


• Want to know why your cubicle is EVIL

READ THIS ARTICLE

Courtesy of being_angyl, who is a font of information today. :)

...that persistence always pays off in the end.

I've been sending reminders on a pitch to an editor at one of my old internships for several weeks, once a week. I did give up after one pitch and three reminders, but I was just about to call in to my old boss and ask him to nudge it on my behalf.

When what appears in my inbox but a response!

There were two pitches. One has been forwarded to a different editor at the same magazine, and the other has gotten a thumbs up from this editor and is getting pushed at the next editorial meeting. Sweet! Getting published in this magazine is a major goal for me, not because it would be good money or a good thing on my resume (which it would, both), but because it has been a black mark on my psyche that after 6 months there I never got into the magazine.

---

This just in, from one of the presenters today: Apparently, both cognitively, and in long-term health, it is better to get indignant and angry than to be fearful. This drives home the fact that my constant anxiety impairs my ability to think clearly. Anxiety is NOT a positive motivating force. If you have anxiety problems, like I do, seek help. Really. Of course, help does not equal medication. Cognitive reframing and deliberate facial expression manipulation, based on what she was saying, would be just as likely to succeed, for instance. I think stres management and therapy are probably good choices. I should certainly be doing more about this. But look, now I'm stressed about not doing something about my stress problems! ;p

drdenny apparently glanced at my LJ (possibly through the journalist friend's list). He's a journalism professor somewhere, and complimented me on my persistence and attention to detail, and is planning on showing them my last entry as an example of the persistence it takes to be a successful writer.

The tragedy is that he is right: That persistence, dedication, and attention to detail IS necessary for success -- and I don't have it. As long as my depression and anxiety cause me to freak out, avoid things, and fall apart irregularly, I can't keep this up. I am disabled as truly as someone missing a limb, the difference being that there is still hope for me to recover from my mood disorders.

The truth is that the only times when I am this dedicated and persistent are when I'm away at conferences. If I could work this effectively full-time, I could be a freelancer.

The good news is that every time I come to a conference, it all becomes a little less intimidating, a little less scary, and a little less triggering. As a result, every time I return home from a conference, I'm a little more likely to apply what I learn and do more freelancing.

Hope springs eternal. I'm headed in the right direction in almost every aspect of my life, and I really do believe that given time and continued effort, I will be able to move past this very real disability and realize my dream of becoming a full-time freelance writer of great accomplishment.

OKCupid says I'm ambitious. And its right. I'm ambitious for myself, for my various causes, and for the people around me. It took me a while to get back to this point, but I really do seem to believe that if I try hard enough, if you try hard enough, that we will all be able to achieve anything.

Believe.

---

Going back to the journalism students, a few things.
(1) WIRED is hiring a product intern. 6 months, $10/hour, full time. I can't recommend this position enough. They're in San Francisco, for those who don't know.
(2) Want to be a ______? Be persistent, be passionate, and NETWORK. Network until the cows come home. Network until your voice is hoarse. I mean it! Networking is the secret to success. It isn't the cold and calculating thing that we thought it was in our naive college years. And even if it is, it is the way to success. View it as random kindness to or from strangers, or as a form of mentoring and patronage, or simply as a cold hard reality, but accept it and make use of it.
(3) The corrollary of point 2? Join associations and attend conventions. The connections you make there could make or break your career. I'm not very good at this networking thing, but it still gets me tons more opportunities than I would have otherwise.

Alright then. Back to the business of freelancing and networking. ;)

Glory be! I have a 970 word draft of my first freelance article on science, and my first feature.

It is missing a pithy conclusion, and I will probably comb through it a few times before I send it in. He gave me until noon Wednesday, after all. But, the bulk of the work is done and now I just need to polish, conclude, and go through the editing process, which hopefully won't be too heinous.

When I'm not freaking out about handling my personal stuff, freelance stuff, job stuff, social stuff, and volunteer stuff without dropping a ball, I'm actually extremely excited about this article and what it means for my career. I pitched a story idea and will soon be able to say that I saw it through to completion without any weird glitches. And, it's a SCIENCE story idea, something I've wanted to do for ages. I just kept on getting mired down in technology stories and gadget reviews, which are fun and cool, but not where my dreams lie. Next personal goal: a science article about physics! Which is exactly what I'm nosing at for the Spec.

I also had the opportunity to enjoy unreasonable amounts of ice cream/gelato (possible when you stint on other healthier foods), two episodes of Stargate and one of Enterprise, today. And, I survived an anger attack (what else can I call it? temper tantrum!) and the polishing and editing of another bulletin, without destroying my own personal property or hurting my editor. I also got several more rows on the dragon hat done. Still very early in its creation, but at least progress is being made.

Having said all that, I think it is time for beddy byes. I am a sleepy journalist!

So, what classical music do you like to listen to when you're anxious, to calm down?

Some favourites for me:
Pachelbel Canon
Vivaldi's Four Seasons: Winter, Largo (all time favourite)
Concerto in C for Flute & Harp, by Pachelbel, Albinoni, and one other ??
Ave Maria
Time to Say Goodbye

I know there are at least two other pieces which stand out for me in this category, but I don't know their names.

So, what are your favourites?

A recent discussion in my LJ has motivated me to do some soapbox time. So, here you have it: some thoughts from me to you on Anxiety, and a little on Depression while I'm at it.

I don't claim to be a neuroendocrinologist. However, I do read about mood disorders a great deal and I try to be as much of a lay-expert as possible, with varying levels of success. Having said that, take all of the following with the GIANT GRAIN OF SALT! :)

All feelings are caused by a state in your endocrinal system. That's where I'd like to start.

When you feel anxious, its because there's something circulating in your system MAKING you feel that way, or because there's something missing from your system that should be tempering the effect of other agents. Either way, your chemicals are out of whack in such a way as to evoke the feeling you describe as "anxious."

Sometimes this is supposed to happen. Anxiety is a motivator. It gets us to do things rather than sitting on our lazy asses. Anxiety is supposed to happen with there's a real danger or concern. Something worth being anxious about, in other words.

Some people are born with a system which isn't quite tuned right. For whatever reason, they are more PRONE to feeling anxious. They don't feel anxious all the time, but they will worry and become anxious based on valid concerns a little more, and a little sooner, than most people would. Than a healthy, sane person would.

Some of those, and/or some others, have a system which is easily put out of whack. When there is enough underlying stress in their life, or health problems, they get into a state of anxiety which can last for weeks and months, even when any original cause is dissipated. In some this is entirely caused by an imbalanced endocrinal system. This is what is known as generalized anxiety disorder, when you are anxious all the time, for no particular reason.

The funny thing about the last type of anxiety is that it latches onto things. If I pay attention really carefully, I'll realize that I was anxious BEFORE I started freaking out over That Anxious Making Topic. When I'm anxious, everything seems like something to freak out over. It may seem like I'm freaking out over valid, anxious-making things. But I'm not, not exactly. The anxiety was already there.

Most of what I've said so far holds true for depression as well. In particular something I've noticed about depression seems to hold true for anxiety as well. Have you ever had a day when you're down, and upset about problems A, B, and C, and life sucks, and you just want to go to sleep and end the day? Then, the next day, problems A, B, and C are still there. Nothing has changed. But you're not depressed about them and consider them something that you'll deal with eventually, no worries?

The only difference in that example between day 1 and 2 is your mood. While the emotions are somewhat warranted, in a different state of mind they don't phase you at all, whereas when depressed or anxious they seem like the end of the world and keep you up at night.

When I started to really pay attention to my moods, I began to realize that, for whatever reason, these differences existed. Watching friends with depression and the things I thought and said to them, and then watching myself under similar circumstances when depressed, and when not, taught me to tell the difference between healthy feelings and unhealthy feelings. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm much better than I was.

Anyhow, part of my point is that you may think your feelings are reasonable given the circumstances. But sometimes, upon closer inspection, you'll realize that the feelings aren't really because of the circumstances at all. They just are. The circumstances were just a convenient excuse.

Um, I should shut up now, because I feel like I'm babbling.