Parent frustration

[danaeris]

Summary so that you can follow the conversation:
I decided it's time to set up a savings account. I check into PC Financial, where I have checking, and then ask my mother if she knows anywhere that has a better interest rate. She refers me to ING, where I already have a joint USD account with her.

To open the CAD account, I have to mail them a check to link the PC account to the existing client number. Once they've received that, I can open a new account with a transfer from the PC account.


Mom:
You need to phone ING--they've received your cheque for $1 but deposited it to your US acct. rather than opening a Canadian acct and linking that.

1-888-464-3232

I ignored that email (actually, at first it was sorted into SPAM; didn't find it until Monday), and today she sent me this:
Did you ever contact ING about the incorrect linkage of your account? It doesn't look like they've made any change.

I took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then sent this:
"First of all, the check was never intended to necessarily open a new account. It was there to establish a link to my PC account.
Second of all, I have not called them yet, and I will do so when I have time.

Thank you for your concern Mom. This message was brought to you in part by the letters P, M, and S."

She responded with this email:
Hello danaeris and letters P, M & S,

I'm confused I guess. When you asked me about this you indicated that you wanted to find a place offering a higher interest rate than was available at PC Financial. Was I incorrect in assuming that you therefore wanted to link a Canadian acct to a Canadian acct?

My response, which has undergone several revisions:

Your assumption was correct, but I can’t open the bank account until the link is made to the PC account. So, this is a two step process.

This interaction between us frustrates me for a variety of reasons.
(1) Since this account I’m establishing is not part of the finances you’re managing, it’s none of your business. By asking these questions, you’re meddling in my private business. I may ask you for advice on how to handle my finances at times, but that’s all I’m asking for. I don’t want you to monitor them or send me reminders to pay this or that bill, or deal with this little bit of administrivia over here, or anything like that. I just want that one piece of advice I asked for. If I want more help, I’ll ask.
(2) You’re offering and rendering help that is unwanted. Both you and Dad do this all the time, and I find it very frustrating.

For instance, the other day, Dad told me about some article. Then, rather than asking me if I wanted to see it, he went and got it, and handed it to me. Now I had this piece of newspaper I didn’t want, and nowhere to put it. I felt pressured to read an article I wasn’t interested in, because he had gone to the trouble I didn’t want him to go to to go get it. I called him back and handed it back to him, and pointed out that if I was interested in reading more about it, I would have looked it up myself online or elsewhere, or ASKED for the article.

Same thing here. I’m aware I need to call ING, and I was aware of it before you sent me the first email. Part of the original plan was for me to call them after a week to see if they had received the check; once they had I could set up a savings account with a transfer from the PC account. If you had emailed me to let me know, “BTW, looks like they received the check, and they deposited it to the US account,” that would have been a useful communication of information. But your subsequent email means that, even though I had the situation well under control, I had to respond to your email. So, I marshaled my frustration and sent you an email. You sent a response questioning me further when it is still none of your business. You don’t need to understand it. It’s taken care of, under control, and that’s all you need to know, since this isn’t your problem. Your email meant more extra work for me, when your intention was only to help. Intentions aside, you’re just generating more stuff for me to do.

I don’t know if this is a generational gap, or what. But this is certainly a fairly universal attitude among my friends. For the most part, you don’t help people without first offering it, or being asked. Offering help or advice without permission is just going to upset the person, and may make things worse. I’m more sensitive than most to it. When people offer me dumb or unwanted advice, I often have trouble controlling my temper. And I think with you guys, it’s worse because you’re my parents. You’re the last people I want unwanted help or advice from, because I have such a strong independent streak.

I'm scared to send the email because I'm tired of their reactions to my refusal of help. When I refuse my father's help, or point out that I could do that myself or look it up myself or whatever, he says, "Well, no need to get snarky," and stomps off.

I've never laid the topic of "unwanted help" on the line before with my parents, so I have no idea how this email would be received. Maybe I should separate it from this particular interaction so as to make it seem less personal. I don't know.

BTW, advice in this case is very welcome.

Comments

[darkawaii.livejournal.com]

Hey doll.

I think your last comment would be the right way to do it, send it after this whole thing is dealt with or she will take it personally. People tend to do that, especially when they only wanted to help you out. Maybe give more of an explanation as to WHY you need to handle things yourself...but I really like the whole newspaper thing...about how you're stuck with the paper and feeling pressured to read something you don't want to.

It's the same thing in business. Everyone needs to learn effective communication.

I do tend to pry, but that's human nature...but if they're serious about needing time to do it themselves, then that is fine, but I also like to keep lines of communication open, but that's only directly if you're in a relationship, and it can effect everyone involved.

I think your letter is very good, go with it.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Yeah.. the whole "to give advice or not to" thing is a really tough line to tread... but my parents don't even seem to be aware that there is a line there.

I've received my share of unwanted, yet valuable advice. I know it exists. But, 95% of the time when people give me advice without being asked, it's flip and not at all helpful, and it just pisses me off. I think I need more sex, or something. Then I wouldn't be this irritable. :)

Or, maybe I just need to get off the Paxil. Another month or two, and I'll be clean!

[darkawaii.livejournal.com]

Paxil?

What is Paxil?

It's tough to find that line, I agree, which is why communication is key. I've had friends get so pissed they didtched me over something that, if they had told me it was bothering them, while at first I may have been hurt or upset, I eventually get over the emotional drama of it and realize why and how to stop it, but people are too afraid to speak up anymore.

[shadowsouled.livejournal.com]

Personally, I would go with something a little more simple. When people give me unwanted or unneeded advice, it makes me feel like they think I can't do it on my own. I would tell them that that's how it makes me feel (if that is how it makes you feel) and ask them to stop. Of course, that's what I would do if it were one of my parents, I don't know yours.