What is dojo?

[danaeris]

Someone asked what the friends group dojo is.

Dojo was created to give me a safe place to talk about delicate matters when I'm feeling vulnerable or overly sensitive -- or when the topic of discussion is particularly sensitive.

I'd been having a lot of trouble with the way I interacted with people on livejournal. Someone on my friends list is not necessarily a good friend, nor a friend. At minimum, they tend to be acquaintances, but there's no reason for me to assume that they have a high or low opinion of me. Many of them were people who did not want to hear about all of my issues, but read them nonetheless -- kind of a train wreck thing. In a normal social setting, subtle cues of body language would tip me off, and I'd stop confiding in them. That doesn't happen on livejournal; they don't respond until a negative opinion of me is thoroughly solidified.

Upon a lot of reflection, I also discovered a number of behaviours with which I interact really poorly. I don't object to receiving constructive criticism or advice, but I do have strong feelings about how it is offered. The guiding principles are compassion and respect, and loyalty/faith in your friend.

1. Permission. Sometimes you just want comfort, and not advice. Sometimes you're sick of arguing with people, you know what you believe or want to do, and you just don't want to hear it. Either way, I don't feel that people are obliged to listen to my advice and/or opinions whenever I feel like getting on a soapbox. It is my feeling that it is best to ask first before giving advice, and I'd prefer that others accord me the same courtesy. There are, of course, exceptions. Extreme cases where you feel that a close friend is in need of intervention do occur, but this isn't something I feel should be done lightly, or without care. Which brings us to...
   
2. Approach. When I am approaching a friend about a delicate matter, it behooves me to do so in as gentle and compassionate a fashion as possible. Which brings us to...
   
3. Venue. If I'm going to do an intervention, where I tell a friend something whether they wish to hear it or no, compassion dictates that ideally, I would do so in person where I can best respond to their emotional cues and pace the conversation accordingly. This is not possible on Livejournal. Nor is...
   
4. Privacy. I've had people do mini-interventions on generic locked posts. All of my "friends" could read them. It was singularly humiliating. You wouldn't confront a person about being an alcoholic in a room filled with their peers and acquaintances. Likewise with other issues, and as the reader, you don't know who can read a locked post, and whether the person in question would be comfortable having that kind of discussion where it can be read by the people on that group.
   
5. When someone who I love and respect says something which I find disappointing or would potentially lower my level of respect for them, I check to make sure I understood them correctly. Miscommunications happen all the time. So I confirm my understanding of their words with them before jumping down their throat, and likewise, expect them to accord me the same courtesy.

All this taught me a number of lessons. Everyone is not really my friend. Not everyone will immediately have confidence in me and assume the best -- many will assume the worst simply because of human nature. Many are also willing to dispense advice without the closeness which normally makes them comfortable doing so. That is, most people will not give advice unsolicited to someone they are not particularly close with. But, by virtue of that very closeness, the advice will be given with a certain amount of compassion and insight. It's a functional system. When acquaintances or friends who aren't particularly close begin to be free with advice and opinions, it often bypasses that compassion.

For all of these reasons and possibly others, I started the friends group dojo. Posts on it are not necessarily asking for advice, or opinions. The uniqueness of the group has more to do with who is on it than what I post to it. That is, those who are on it are theoretically friends of mine with real emotional investment in my happiness, who understand what I've written above and who I'm confident will interact with me in ways that will leave me feeling respected and cared for. By its very nature, it is self-selecting. I don't want to ask someone, "are you my friend." That clouds the issue. I want people to know what it is and say, "yes, that is me." Then I can decide if I want them on that group. This is also why all you easy going folk who say, "put me on whatever filters you are comfortable having me on" drive me nuts. That defeats the purpose of dojo!

Having said that, I should tell you all that this is not a solicitation for opinions or advice. Someone asked what dojo is, and I am explaining it. If anyone thinks they belong on there and are not on it, well, let me know. Likewise, if you think you are on it and shouldn't be, let me know. If you feel you can discuss this with respect rather than contempt for my position, please, by all means, comment.

And now, I should get my ass to bed. nini, world!

Comments

[deedeebythebay.livejournal.com]

I think I was on it once and then wasn't. We don't need to go into why, I think we both remember that time with frustration. If I'm not, I want you to know that if you'd like me to be, I'd like to be again. *many hugs*

[simchaland.livejournal.com]

I respect that, Uncledark. I don't know you very well at all. I know I wouldn't want everyone commenting on my process so perhaps I'll have to add a filter or another journal for the processing stuff if I find that it becomes a problem.

You went to the same school I did and graduated well before I went there. I only know you through someone I briefly dated who works in your store and from the store itself.

I see you have a long list of friends. I have a very short list. I haven't participated in too many communities for very long. I saw you liked my post "Kvetch of the Goddess." I thought it was very funny too. I did add you to my "friends" list because I was amazed to find you here in LJ and I actually met you before I found you on LJ. I like your wry wit.

I know I put my foot in my mouth the last time we saw each other where you work. Sometimes I can be very flippant and irreverant. Sometimes it's a failing. Sometimes it's just funny. Sorry if I dissed your Path, that was not my intention. I've never felt that you were lumped into the BTWs that have dissed my Path and who have given me attitude. When I've reacted here on LJ it has been out of a place of defensiveness about having my own Path dissed because I'm not an "Initiated" BTW or Wiccan. You have always been respectful, easy-going, and even friendly whenever I've consulted with you at the store.

So, I just wanted to come clean on that. I felt I was kind of yucky in that situation.

Blessings and Good Night,
Simcha

P.S.: I did read somewhere around here that you are starting to pursue licensure. I wish you well in that venture. I'm applying for my MFTI in August when I graduate.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

You've got the wrong journal! But Uncledark is indeed a cool person.

[simchaland.livejournal.com]

LOL! Good Lord! How did I end up on your board! YIKES! LOL!

Um gosh, that's embarrassing....

Well, gotta post the apology on his site then...

I respect you for your views then. I thought it was Uncledark and it made sense for him too.

Simcha

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what filters of yours I'm on, but I trust your judgement.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

If you're comfortable having me on the dojo filter, I'm comfortable being there.

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

Something tells me I shouldn't be on dojo. Our styles of dealing when issues occur in the lives of people we care about are sufficiently disparate that miscommunication is almost inevitable.

I'm the sort of person who goes to people and tells them my problems for the express purpose of getting other ideas for dealing with it and discussing pros and cons of what I want to do. If they disagree with me, I don't take it personally - that's *their* opinion. Part of the point is by being forced to defend my position I can see it much more clearly, and if they're right about certain details that make my arguement meaningless I can realize what my actual feelings are on a subject. If they agree with me, then that's nice and makes me feel good in some ways, but I find it more useful to discuss things with people who disagree with me. But then, I tend to seperate the "hold me waaaah!" and "here is the problem, I need to fix it" phases, there seems to be much less confusion over which I'm doing at any given time at any rate.

This seems to not work with your style of "here is my problem, waaah!". I hear "here is my problem" and immediately think of ways to deal with it and start that discussion, and when the "waaah!" bit shows up I'll give hugs and then go back to giving my opinion. This can be seen as lacking compassion, although I view it as showing that I care enough to consider it as I would my own problems.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I do agree that our styles of communication and outlook on the world often differ in unfortunate ways which could lead to conflict if handed poorly.

What you describe above, however, does not on first glance appear to be one of them.

When I'm trying to work through things, I also go to people to talk to them about it. I expect them, in that context, to be relatively free with their advice, and often to question things and/or play devil's advocate. It's sort of a brainstorming session.

If you reread my points in the post you'll note that they all deal with approaching someone in a vulnerable state without them having requested it. None of the cases described above are cases where I have ASKED for advice or assistance in forming an opinion. When I ask for advice, I expect people to be brutal unless I explicitly ask for diplomacy and gentleness.

Rereading your points, I'm not sure that what I just wrote has anything to do with what you wrote. Clearly, I need more caffeine. I may try again later. :)

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

The problem is, I take a detailed presentation of problems *as* as request for discussion/advice, since that's what it always is when I give suchness. I find it difficult to hold back my opinion on actions taken (by anyone in a given tale), unless presented with signs of emotional difficulty/vulnerability by the teller (which is hard for me to read into an LJ post, although I'm good at reading it in IM/IRC), unless I do so by not saying anything at all. I assume that if you're capable of presenting a tale in prosaic detail, you're not being emotional about it at the moment - I'm foolish enough to expect expressions of emotion when there's emotions, especially strong ones ;P.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I don't think danaeris is necessarily talking about DETAILED presentations of problems. I've had discussions with people where I presented a broad summary of a problem and then had people pestering me for details so that they could get enough information to "solve" the problem when providing details was something I was distinctly not up for at the time.

[yiab.livejournal.com]

I doubt I know you well enough to be in the dojo filter at present, though I think I'd like to be there someday.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Aw, heck. Opt me in. And Overshare! Full on! Yaaaar!

If you wanna. I promise not to offer advice or opinions on Dojo!

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

It's not about NOT offering advice or opinions. It's about knowing when it is appropriate to do so.

[pyat.livejournal.com]

Touche!