(no subject)

[danaeris]

An interesting and unintentional debate has been going on in my journal in response to my coming out post. Personally, I am in agreement with brynndragon. But I'm curious to see what kinds of answers I get on this poll. So, have at!

[Poll #473363]

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

My mom's dead, but she had a pair of best friends who were gay from college (late 1940s) until she died in the seventies. That said, when my older sisters came out as queer, she was a little distressed, most likely (though I'm not sure) because 1971 wasn't a great time to be queer. I have no idea how she might have changed by now.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Are we assuming that we havn't previously told our parents (or led them to belive) that we were anything other than queer?

Because they lying factor could play a part.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

You're nitpicking. The people filling out the poll know what is being asked, and are filling it out accordingly.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

No, I'm asking a genuine question.

My answer would be different depending on what we're assuming.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I'm assuming that I told my parents exactly what I have actually told my parents. I have told them no lies but I also have not told them "the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth" because there is a lot of "truth" that has just never come up in conversation.

in the eyes of others...

[etherial.livejournal.com]

In the eyes of most people (parents included), people are heterosexual until proven otherwise. If you feel your case is otherwise, answer otherwise.

Re: in the eyes of others...

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Source?

I also don't really see what this has to do with my question - I didn't ask about assumptions, but about leading people to believe something that wasn't true.

Re: in the eyes of others...

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

If you are queer the question is how would your real actual parents react to the real actual you if you told them you were queer?

If you are not queer the question is how your real actual parents would react to how they real actual you thinks you would tell them about being queer, if you were actually queer.

Are you seriously trying to ask danaeris if she thinks you are the kind of person who would try to deceive his/her parents? Can you really not figure this out on your own?

Re: in the eyes of others...

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Obviously you're just more interested in arguing that actually discussing something productively.

For those who arn't queer, they may have SOs, be married, etc... Are we to pretend that all of that was a charade, or are we assuming that they would have come out before that happened?

Re: in the eyes of others...

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

If you didn't find that productive then I am at a complete loss as to what you WOULD find productive. I'll try this one more time, in answer to your specific question but after that I am giving up:

If you were queer do you expect you would have the S.O/wife/husband anyway? If so then, yes, you assume you're coming out having lived that "charade". Or maybe you're bixesual and it's not a charade and you just happened to end up with a same sex partner. If, however, you think you're the kind of person who would not have taken that S.O./wife/husband if you were queer then you're coming out "before" that. Since "queer" is a non-specific term it's up to you to decide if you would be coming out as "gay" or "bisexual".

I really don't know how more simply I can spell this out.

[iclysdale.livejournal.com]

I strongly suspect that my parents know that I'm both queer and poly, but we have always had this "If you ask me, I will tell you" kind of relationship, and they've never actually asked. However, since they've actually called me at various different lover's places to find me during family emergencies, and my parents are not stupid people...

But for me it's never been a big deal to actually "tell them" - if they want to close their eyes and sing the Smurf song, and they mostly seem to want to, it's absolutely no skin off of my back.

[basmati.livejournal.com]

That describes pretty well the relationship I have with my parents.

[beowabbit]

The one of them I actually "came out to" (by accident; I'd assumed he already knew) was (2); the one who was following along with me as I discovered I was bi didn't consider it worth remarking on. I'm a not-very-loyal subject of King George. (I filled out the poll as "(2)", but figured I'd clarify.)

[aaangyl.livejournal.com]

I don't know my dad at all, so I have no idea. I'm commenting rather than polling because my answer wasn't covered - from time to time, I've actually kinda felt like my mom was a bit disappointed I wasn't gay, once she finally accepted that I didn't want to have a kid. I suspect she'd be one of the overboard in their enthusiasm and support types if I mentioned a girlfriend.

[ubbaken.livejournal.com]

I think my parents in a way have an inkling that I am at least not straight...so I think codifying it wouldn't make a difference. But that being said...I don't really subscribe to the notion that people are in any distinct category. We're all on a dynamic spectrum if we choose to open ourselves to it.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

...I don't really subscribe to the notion that people are in any distinct category. We're all on a dynamic spectrum if we choose to open ourselves to it.

Absolutely in agreement there. I never really got the idea of defining sexuality based on a few aesthetic characteristics.

[ubbaken.livejournal.com]

I have come to see gender preference somewhat like hair preference or eye color, etc...

At least that is how it works for me. They all revolve as satellites around the vastly more important factor of emotional/psychological/intellectual/etc challenge the person gives me.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Pretty much - though I use two umbrella catagories... Aesthetics (eye colour, weight, hair, genetalia, etc...) and Personality Type (intelligence, emotion, etc...)

[ubbaken.livejournal.com]

Well put. I think that is a fairly apt description of how I see it also, with the two umbrellas overlapping in a way as physical appearance is often a manifestation of the personality.

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Well, is that something you've told your parents?

[ubbaken.livejournal.com]

Nope, not explicitly. They wouldn't accept it if I told them just yet, but they are almost there.

Every once in a while, my parents ask me directly "are you gay?!" when the general topic is at hand, and I usually give them a response along the lines of "Ask a better question, one that you want an answer to, rather than one you want a specific response to."

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Then I don't think you count as out to your parents.

Not sure if you were were even claiming it.

[jadasc.livejournal.com]

My parents were somewhat distressed to find I was poly, and *quite* distressed to learn I was kinky. I think that they would have more mental framework to handle gay/bi.

[jnanacandra.livejournal.com]

At the time I came out to them (pretty much as soon as I realized I was bi myself), the answer was 3 for my father, 1 for my mother; though my dad masked it well enough I didn't find out that he had been at all uncomfortable till years later (by which time he was completely fine with it).

Of course, my relationship with my parents is especially interesting considering they became first atheist, then pagan, then poly (and my mother bi), all after I had done so and so accustomed them to the idea.

[merovingian.livejournal.com]

You missed a possible response: Some parents are joyous and delighted about it. A friend of mine came out to her mom once and her mom responded by saying, "Well, hoorah for love!"

[dangerpudding.livejournal.com]

Well.. as I never came out to dad, Mom came out to me first, and bio-dad has pretty much always known, I'm not sure how to answer. Also, you're assuming there are two parents... I have somewhere between 1-5, depending how I look at it today. :)

[neuroptik.livejournal.com]

I came out to my parents two weeks ago, from various closets (bisexual/polyamorous/kinky).

They were actually quite supportive. But then, my mom's an old hippie, and has always known I've leaned towards different things, so it wasn't much of a surprise.

[coffeekitty.livejournal.com]

my parents most likely would be extremely distressed, not only because they very much disapprove of such things, but because they wouldn't believe me - i'd also get the "you can't possibly be, how could you think that you are and lie to yourself and us like this?" - ie, upset both at the confession and by the idea that i am lying to them, possibly on acct of being brainwashed by the Liberal Media.
(and am i queer? good god, _I_ don't know. if i am, it's not a lifestyle or philosophy, that's for certain...)

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Well it's been a day, and I must say, the poll results look good.

72.9% (77.1% if we discount those who answered #7) of United Statesians believe their parents would cope just fine about finding out they were queer.
58.8% (66.7% discounting #7) of Canadians would do the same (I must say, that was about the only surprising bit of the poll, that Canadians were lower than USers, but that might be due to the smaller sample size).

What's more, absolutely nobody would expect any dire consequences.

I must say, very good indeed.

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

You missed the most usual for those of my generation: They may or may not be annoyed or distressed at first, but then they try to pretend you are "normal". Or that it is "just a phase". Pick up a copy of M. Signorele's book on how to come out. It probably gives other reactions you can expect.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

That's what I meant when I said (3).