sickness and then relationship logistics
Sep. 6th, 2002 03:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisI'm still sick, unfortunately; yesterday I didn't feel sick, I just was stuffed up. But apparently eight hours sleep last night was not enough, and I'm back to that sickly feeling, even though I slept well last night.
Anyway, on other topics:
Questioner's Series of Inquiries into Relationship Logistics
Logistics can often promote both negative and positive aspects in a relationship.
When I was dating Claymore, he and I both would default to spending time with each other every evening, and try to remember to schedule time with our secondaries at least once a week. But we didn't have a set day scheduled with our secondaries, and we also did not have any set alone time.
This had advantages and disadvantages.
To the secondary relationship, it meant...
It meant that our secondary relationships were often only theoretical. It meant that our secondary relationships didn't get forced over painful bumps. It meant our secondary relationships sometimes got neglected. But it also meant that the strength of our secondary relationships relied on the level of desire we felt to be spending time with that person, and how they returned that feeling, built in with a subtraction for how busy we were with our own lives and our primaries.
To the primary relationship, it meant...
We rarely lacked for time spent together, but we almost always lacked for QUALITY time spent together. If I'm sleeping with someone every night, but only see them for 10-15 minutes plus time to have sex before sleep, we're not having much actual interaction of the emotional, spiritual, or intellectual sort. We also started to take each other for granted more than we should have. The magic was gone after a while.
I find relationships to be a constant struggle in this respect.
If you schedule time together on a regular day or assume time together, you start taking each other for granted. On the other hand, f you are depressed or busy or enraptured by some new Toy, and you don't schedule time together, you may not GET any time together.
If you are entranced with each other and fall into a pattern of spending as much time as possible with each other because you really want to, you start taking it for granted. When the enchantment fades into a more steady relationship, this can lead to taking each other for granted.
I feel like at any given time, I'm constantly struggling to schedule enough time with everyone such that no one is taken for granted, no one is failing to have their basic needs met, no one is being forced to spend too much time with someone, etc. This includes the entire poly family.
To be fair, back in Boston I worred about the whole poly family more than here. Here, unseelie has no other SO, and tyrsalvia has chrisla, but I have no idea what their arrangements are with each other, nor if they are happy with them, nor what they each want. I guess in Boston it helped that it was easy for me to see claymore or arcticelf's other SOs when I WASN'T with them, thus having an independent friendship and relationship with them, and thus gaining a personal interest in making sure they are getting what they need. I still prefer relationships wherein everyone is having their needs met, but I feel I would be intruding if I started checking in on tyrsalvia and chrisla's relationship.
Meanwhile, I'm often struggling to NOT fall into a pattern where I will start to take time with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
unseelie for granted, because I don't ever want to take him for granted. The same goes for tyrsalvia, except somehow I think that it is less likely to happen with her.
Anyway, there goes some ruminations on poly and relationships and logistics. A lot of it applies to monogamous relationships too, honestly... Enjoy folks, and feel free to comment. :)
Anyway, on other topics:
Questioner's Series of Inquiries into Relationship Logistics
Logistics can often promote both negative and positive aspects in a relationship.
When I was dating Claymore, he and I both would default to spending time with each other every evening, and try to remember to schedule time with our secondaries at least once a week. But we didn't have a set day scheduled with our secondaries, and we also did not have any set alone time.
This had advantages and disadvantages.
To the secondary relationship, it meant...
It meant that our secondary relationships were often only theoretical. It meant that our secondary relationships didn't get forced over painful bumps. It meant our secondary relationships sometimes got neglected. But it also meant that the strength of our secondary relationships relied on the level of desire we felt to be spending time with that person, and how they returned that feeling, built in with a subtraction for how busy we were with our own lives and our primaries.
To the primary relationship, it meant...
We rarely lacked for time spent together, but we almost always lacked for QUALITY time spent together. If I'm sleeping with someone every night, but only see them for 10-15 minutes plus time to have sex before sleep, we're not having much actual interaction of the emotional, spiritual, or intellectual sort. We also started to take each other for granted more than we should have. The magic was gone after a while.
I find relationships to be a constant struggle in this respect.
If you schedule time together on a regular day or assume time together, you start taking each other for granted. On the other hand, f you are depressed or busy or enraptured by some new Toy, and you don't schedule time together, you may not GET any time together.
If you are entranced with each other and fall into a pattern of spending as much time as possible with each other because you really want to, you start taking it for granted. When the enchantment fades into a more steady relationship, this can lead to taking each other for granted.
I feel like at any given time, I'm constantly struggling to schedule enough time with everyone such that no one is taken for granted, no one is failing to have their basic needs met, no one is being forced to spend too much time with someone, etc. This includes the entire poly family.
To be fair, back in Boston I worred about the whole poly family more than here. Here, unseelie has no other SO, and tyrsalvia has chrisla, but I have no idea what their arrangements are with each other, nor if they are happy with them, nor what they each want. I guess in Boston it helped that it was easy for me to see claymore or arcticelf's other SOs when I WASN'T with them, thus having an independent friendship and relationship with them, and thus gaining a personal interest in making sure they are getting what they need. I still prefer relationships wherein everyone is having their needs met, but I feel I would be intruding if I started checking in on tyrsalvia and chrisla's relationship.
Meanwhile, I'm often struggling to NOT fall into a pattern where I will start to take time with
unseelie for granted, because I don't ever want to take him for granted. The same goes for tyrsalvia, except somehow I think that it is less likely to happen with her.Anyway, there goes some ruminations on poly and relationships and logistics. A lot of it applies to monogamous relationships too, honestly... Enjoy folks, and feel free to comment. :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-09-06 06:31 pm (UTC)During my nearly two year long relationship here (listen to me, like I'm a sage or something)which nearly failed I realized: It is CRUCIAL to have time apart to keep it going. Or at least keep it going healthily. It is also imperative to retain one's sense of self (as people who are together a lot for a long time start too blend personalities, etc)
So. If I love 'em, I leave 'em. For at least a day or three during the week :) It's good for me, it's good for them, and my friends are happy that they get to see me.
Also, about scheduling days:
For some people, that does work really well. I'm against it if only becuse yes, it feels routine and easy to take for granted. The element of surprise keeps the relationship exciting, and both parties interested, I think.
these are, of course, my own humble opinions. ;) But since I can't really hold a tech conversation, I can talk about people, their relationships, and psychological makeup. And I do so like to hear what you have to say.
-J
no subject
Date: 2002-09-08 08:46 am (UTC)I have found, though, that I have no choice but to schedule time with
no subject
Date: 2002-09-09 03:17 pm (UTC)I kind of prefer to try to schedule time together, although not as rigidly, even in primary/living-with arrangements, to prevent the ugly domesticity and 'take for granted' stuff. If you have dinner reservations and make a point of dressing up and treating it like a date, it's more fun than ordering pizza in your own living room, and the undone dishes and unpaid bills and phone and cats can't distract you there. I try to celebrate my 'anniversary' once a month with a special dinner, date, or something nice, where scheduling permits.
Currently my 'secondary' relationship is long-distance, so when she's around, my primary gracefully steps out of the way a little and lets us enjoy our few days together (except that both my people like each other and are great friends, so some of the time we all hang out together).