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danaerisIf ever there was a fresh start for the new year, this is it.
As the new year approaches, I'm going through all of my old possessions (including things which have been in storage for years), and deciding what to keep and what to discard. I'm spending time with old friends, tying up loose ends, and saying goodbye to my home of more than two years.
In doing this, I've run into a number of things which challenge my memories of the 'way things were.' For the most part, this has been a good thing.
Seeing all the things from freshman orientation was painful. Remembering how excited I was, how full of dreams, and how things really turned out is tough.
On the other hand, the transcript I turned up reminds me once again that I wasn't as bad a student as I try to claim I was. As time has passed between graduation and the present, I seem to have slowly shifted my memory more and more to indicate that I was a C student within my major, which simply is not true. My transcript helped me remember that. I still feel like a failure though. Hopefully I can move past that...
Meanwhile, I've purged a lot of things from my life. It's interesting, looking at all the clothing styles I've gone through -- what my taste was, and what it is. I also found some mementos of my failed marriage, which was indubitably interesting.
I feel like I owe my friends an apology. In circle, we often emphasize the concept, "Be here now." I haven't been here. I haven't been anywhere for a long time. Imprisoned by my own fears and delusions, I've been unable to reach out to people when they reached out to me. That's not to say that there isn't a certain amount of incompatibility between me and the Bay Area social circles, but I am taking responsibility for the parts which are my fault -- some of which I am not even aware.
There isn't much time left before I leave -- less than a week. As that time passes I can only hope that I will get closure on the many relationships I've had here, apologized to those I owe apologies, give love and affection to those who deserve it, and drink and be merry. :)
I took the name Danaeris in the hopes of a new start. Instead, I've found a truth I already knew -- that changes come in stages, some of which we can't predict or control. Here's to change -- and becoming who we are.
As the new year approaches, I'm going through all of my old possessions (including things which have been in storage for years), and deciding what to keep and what to discard. I'm spending time with old friends, tying up loose ends, and saying goodbye to my home of more than two years.
In doing this, I've run into a number of things which challenge my memories of the 'way things were.' For the most part, this has been a good thing.
Seeing all the things from freshman orientation was painful. Remembering how excited I was, how full of dreams, and how things really turned out is tough.
On the other hand, the transcript I turned up reminds me once again that I wasn't as bad a student as I try to claim I was. As time has passed between graduation and the present, I seem to have slowly shifted my memory more and more to indicate that I was a C student within my major, which simply is not true. My transcript helped me remember that. I still feel like a failure though. Hopefully I can move past that...
Meanwhile, I've purged a lot of things from my life. It's interesting, looking at all the clothing styles I've gone through -- what my taste was, and what it is. I also found some mementos of my failed marriage, which was indubitably interesting.
I feel like I owe my friends an apology. In circle, we often emphasize the concept, "Be here now." I haven't been here. I haven't been anywhere for a long time. Imprisoned by my own fears and delusions, I've been unable to reach out to people when they reached out to me. That's not to say that there isn't a certain amount of incompatibility between me and the Bay Area social circles, but I am taking responsibility for the parts which are my fault -- some of which I am not even aware.
There isn't much time left before I leave -- less than a week. As that time passes I can only hope that I will get closure on the many relationships I've had here, apologized to those I owe apologies, give love and affection to those who deserve it, and drink and be merry. :)
I took the name Danaeris in the hopes of a new start. Instead, I've found a truth I already knew -- that changes come in stages, some of which we can't predict or control. Here's to change -- and becoming who we are.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 11:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 01:15 am (UTC)And you have lovely hair ;).
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Date: 2004-12-30 01:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 03:34 am (UTC)It also only feels like a couple of months ago that you co-organized that dinner for my birthday. That was certainly the single thing that most made me feel welcome in the bay area and I wanted to thank you again for that. I've wanted to return the favor, somehow, but didn't quite know how. I'm sure it's not actually too late though. We will continue to cross paths :)
You will be missed.