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danaerisDuring yet another thoughtful conversation with some dear friends, I twigged on why I feel that friends confronting me with issues online are assuming the worst about me, disrespecting me, etc. I was grasping towards something and getting some of the details wrong, and some of them right, and everywhere in between.
The funny thing is, this is something I learned when I was 16, but apparently had forgotten in the intervening years.
Simply put, except in special situations such as an intervention, if you have a concern about something a friend is doing, it is not polite or helpful to say, "You are doing this."
Phrasing it that way often makes the recipient feel attacked and accused. It certainly makes me feel that way.
Instead, I strive to say:
"I've been getting the impression that ________, but I'm not sure its right"
"Is this what you mean? I'm confused/would like to clarify"
"When you say ________, do you mean __________? Because that's the way I interpret that"
"I feel like you're doing _______, but I know I don't have the whole story"
"I feel like you're doing _______, but that may be my issues/experiences coloring my perception"
etc.
Communication is a bitch. People don't say what they mean, and while I agree that we should all strive to be precise in the way we use our words, it is best to assume that until you've clarified, you might have misunderstood their intent even if what came out of their mouth (or what they typed) very clearly stated something specific. Getting caught up in what exactly they said is a red herring. The truly important thing for those of us who desire a meeting of minds, is the intended meaning, which can be better divined when we remember to ask clarifying questions.
I first learned this, of all places, on a mailing list. It was a technique for avoiding flame wars -- I found that when conversing online, if someone sounded like they were saying something I wouldn't want people thinking *I* believed, then it is best to ask them if that's what they really meant rather than trusting that they communicated clearly and that I interpreted their words clearly. I suspect that this type of clarification happens more often than not in meat space, but not so much in cyberspace.
The funny thing is, this is something I learned when I was 16, but apparently had forgotten in the intervening years.
Simply put, except in special situations such as an intervention, if you have a concern about something a friend is doing, it is not polite or helpful to say, "You are doing this."
Phrasing it that way often makes the recipient feel attacked and accused. It certainly makes me feel that way.
Instead, I strive to say:
"I've been getting the impression that ________, but I'm not sure its right"
"Is this what you mean? I'm confused/would like to clarify"
"When you say ________, do you mean __________? Because that's the way I interpret that"
"I feel like you're doing _______, but I know I don't have the whole story"
"I feel like you're doing _______, but that may be my issues/experiences coloring my perception"
etc.
Communication is a bitch. People don't say what they mean, and while I agree that we should all strive to be precise in the way we use our words, it is best to assume that until you've clarified, you might have misunderstood their intent even if what came out of their mouth (or what they typed) very clearly stated something specific. Getting caught up in what exactly they said is a red herring. The truly important thing for those of us who desire a meeting of minds, is the intended meaning, which can be better divined when we remember to ask clarifying questions.
I first learned this, of all places, on a mailing list. It was a technique for avoiding flame wars -- I found that when conversing online, if someone sounded like they were saying something I wouldn't want people thinking *I* believed, then it is best to ask them if that's what they really meant rather than trusting that they communicated clearly and that I interpreted their words clearly. I suspect that this type of clarification happens more often than not in meat space, but not so much in cyberspace.
