Soapbox: On respect in public forums
Aug. 10th, 2004 11:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisReacting to friends with respect
This is about knee-jerk reactions. This is about assumptions. This is about benefit of the doubt, and respect.
If you can't approach someone with your mind open to the possibility that they might know what they are doing, that they might have a point, etc., why are you friends with them?
I see a lot of this on livejournal, between people who are friends in real life, and it really troubles me. I don't know if it is an artefact of the medium, or simply an unfortunate mode of interaction. Either way, I find it profoundly uncool.
Upon further discussion and observation, you may very well conclude that they DON'T know what they're doing. Or, if you know them really well, you may recognize a pattern right off.
But I would urge us all (myself included, for I am not innocent in this respect) to approach each other, our friends, our new tribe, with faith in each other's perceptions. Not grudging benefit of doubt laced with skepticism, ideally, but true faith.
Confronting friends with respect
We've all had friends who are repeating the same unfortunate pattern all over again. We see them piss people off in the same way repeatedly, or they keep on irritating us in the same way, and we want to say something.
And then they make a post in livejournal which gives us an opening. And unfortunately, again and again, I see people taking such openings as an opportunity to confront their friend, ON livejournal.
Accepting criticism, no matter how constructive, can be hard on a good day. Accepting it in a forum which all (or most) of your friends can read is not only difficult, but also humiliating and hurtful.
I'm sure that those who have confronted people in this way did not mean to humiliate their friend, nor to be hurtful. Hell, I may have done this before I became aware of this pattern so sadly common on livejournal. But the intentions do not change the result -- the hurt and humiliation.
In an ideal world, if you have criticism to offer a friend, it is best offered in person, where you can be sensitive to their moods and reactions. Sometimes, with our busy schedules, that's not an option; in those cases, I would suggest IM or email. I would rarely, if ever, recommend confronting a friend about a behavior pattern on livejournal.
Yes, there are some few exceptions. I'm not here to discuss those exceptions.
In conclusion...
If you are friends with someone, please treat them with respect and give them the benefit of the doubt. Also, please think twice before you confront a friend on livejournal. Ask yourself if this is the correct forum for this conversation.
It is my belief that following these two basic precepts will result in a lot less drama and angst for everyone.
This is about knee-jerk reactions. This is about assumptions. This is about benefit of the doubt, and respect.
If you can't approach someone with your mind open to the possibility that they might know what they are doing, that they might have a point, etc., why are you friends with them?
I see a lot of this on livejournal, between people who are friends in real life, and it really troubles me. I don't know if it is an artefact of the medium, or simply an unfortunate mode of interaction. Either way, I find it profoundly uncool.
Upon further discussion and observation, you may very well conclude that they DON'T know what they're doing. Or, if you know them really well, you may recognize a pattern right off.
But I would urge us all (myself included, for I am not innocent in this respect) to approach each other, our friends, our new tribe, with faith in each other's perceptions. Not grudging benefit of doubt laced with skepticism, ideally, but true faith.
Confronting friends with respect
We've all had friends who are repeating the same unfortunate pattern all over again. We see them piss people off in the same way repeatedly, or they keep on irritating us in the same way, and we want to say something.
And then they make a post in livejournal which gives us an opening. And unfortunately, again and again, I see people taking such openings as an opportunity to confront their friend, ON livejournal.
Accepting criticism, no matter how constructive, can be hard on a good day. Accepting it in a forum which all (or most) of your friends can read is not only difficult, but also humiliating and hurtful.
I'm sure that those who have confronted people in this way did not mean to humiliate their friend, nor to be hurtful. Hell, I may have done this before I became aware of this pattern so sadly common on livejournal. But the intentions do not change the result -- the hurt and humiliation.
In an ideal world, if you have criticism to offer a friend, it is best offered in person, where you can be sensitive to their moods and reactions. Sometimes, with our busy schedules, that's not an option; in those cases, I would suggest IM or email. I would rarely, if ever, recommend confronting a friend about a behavior pattern on livejournal.
Yes, there are some few exceptions. I'm not here to discuss those exceptions.
In conclusion...
If you are friends with someone, please treat them with respect and give them the benefit of the doubt. Also, please think twice before you confront a friend on livejournal. Ask yourself if this is the correct forum for this conversation.
It is my belief that following these two basic precepts will result in a lot less drama and angst for everyone.
