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Jul. 3rd, 2002 11:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisSome more discussions on previous posts about poly. If anyone mentioned in here would like the post to be made friends only, please let me know.
I'd also like to note that the experiences I had with arcticelf and lariel brought me closer to lariel as a friend, which was really wonderful. One of the neato things about poly.
_milaralive_: hey you. I thought you might want to check out my
journal entry and discussion prompted by something you said yesterday.
it can be found at:
[1]http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=questioner&itemid=53980
_lyadann_: checking it... :-)
_lyadann_: *g*
_lyadann_: very cool
_lyadann_: Thinking is a good thing, even if I've been told that I
think too much, and it's really neat, to me, that I made someone else
think
_lyadann_: For (1), you say that "When someone I love loves someone I
don't feel I have much in common with, or lack important common things
with, I tend to feel like I must have misunderstood my SO,"
_lyadann_: have you ever tried to think of it as more of a
complimentery thing, where that person is different enough that you
both matter in the same but different ways?
_lyadann_: That's not a good explanation of what I mean...
_milaralive_: It depends on the difference.
_lyadann_: I tend to be childlike and needy sometimes, in my need for
physical affection and reassurance - if NAME-OF-BOY (or anyone else I was
with) were dating someone who had this same characteristic, I would
end up feeling like I was competing with this person for the aftection
_lyadann_: it is need dependant though
_lyadann_: or trait dependant
_lyadann_: is what i meant
_milaralive_: some differences are better not shared, or fine not
shared. Some are more essential.
_lyadann_: *nods*
_lyadann_: do you have any examples?
_milaralive_: The issue I had with arcticelf and lariel was over sex
positivity. I just can't see how arcticelf can have a meaningful
relationship with someone who is sex negative. Turns out that she WAS
sex positive, but yeah.
_milaralive_: it's not so much that it has to be someone like me. I
think if she is like me, or someone I would date, or even be really
close friends with, that's fine.
_lyadann_: *nods*
_lyadann_: what do you mean by sex positive or sex negative?
_milaralive_: um. that's hard. a sex negative person wouldn't, oh,
masturbate, for instance. There's a mindset involved... that sex is
wicked or... I don't know. It's hard to explain.
_lyadann_: 'k... I think I can get it from that :-)
_lyadann_: maybe just someone who's not comfortable with their own
(and other people's?) sexuality?
_milaralive_: probably
_lyadann_: 'k
_milaralive_: do you see why I might think that was an important trait
for someone who is dating arcticelf to have?
_milaralive_: I certainly can't imagine dating someone who is sex
negative.
_lyadann_: well, yes and no... I don't think sex is essential to a
meaningful relationship
_lyadann_: I could see myself having a relationship and loving someone
w/o having sex with them
_lyadann_: sex is a part of intimacy but not all of it, at least not
for me
_milaralive_: yes. but you'remissing the MINDSET behind the behaviour.
_lyadann_: Was she censoring or trying to censor arcticelf's activities
with you or someone else? Is that what you mean by the mindset?
_milaralive_: well, no. I was wrong. Lariel and I talked and it turned
out that by my definitions anyway, she was sex positive.
_lyadann_: *nods* but a sex negative person in general might try to
censor his/her SOs sexual activities
_lyadann_: ?
_milaralive_: but I mean that and... when I have a relationship with
someone, I'm trying to have it not with a being which behaves certain
ways, but also with the essential person underneath. The attitudes of
that person are essential to the rapport I build with him/her.
_milaralive_: censoring, maybe. also disapproval.
_milaralive_: I can't imagine being involved romantically with someone
who disapproved of something that was a large part of who I am/my life
_lyadann_: *nods* I definitely see that
_lyadann_: I don't think that it's possible to have an emotionally
intimate connection with someone if one had that sort of an issue with
them
_lyadann_: so I *think* I understand...
_milaralive_: thing is... and this is getting into stuff more about me
and not SOs, but I connect most thoroughly through sex. I'm a sex
mage. I'm a healer and an empath, and my most effective healing and
empathy is achieved through sex. So sex is really important to me, and
a really GOOD thing. Even a sacred thing.
_lyadann_: And from that, one could extrapolate that it would be
difficult or impossible for you to be with someone, or in a 'family'
type situation with someone, who had issues with sex
_lyadann_: *nods*
_milaralive_: yes.
_lyadann_: I think that I'm like that with tolerance. I
wouldn't/couldn't be with someone who was intolerant, and if I was
with someone and they were with someone who was intolerant, I would
question my perception of the person I was with
_lyadann_: (lyadann dates A, A dates B, B is intolerant, lyadann questions
why she's with A)
_lyadann_: *nods*
_milaralive_: that too. tolerance is really important.
_lyadann_: Tolerance is my own thing... Most other things are
negotiable, but tolerance isn't
I'd also like to note that the experiences I had with arcticelf and lariel brought me closer to lariel as a friend, which was really wonderful. One of the neato things about poly.
_milaralive_: hey you. I thought you might want to check out my
journal entry and discussion prompted by something you said yesterday.
it can be found at:
[1]http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=questioner&itemid=53980
_lyadann_: checking it... :-)
_lyadann_: *g*
_lyadann_: very cool
_lyadann_: Thinking is a good thing, even if I've been told that I
think too much, and it's really neat, to me, that I made someone else
think
_lyadann_: For (1), you say that "When someone I love loves someone I
don't feel I have much in common with, or lack important common things
with, I tend to feel like I must have misunderstood my SO,"
_lyadann_: have you ever tried to think of it as more of a
complimentery thing, where that person is different enough that you
both matter in the same but different ways?
_lyadann_: That's not a good explanation of what I mean...
_milaralive_: It depends on the difference.
_lyadann_: I tend to be childlike and needy sometimes, in my need for
physical affection and reassurance - if NAME-OF-BOY (or anyone else I was
with) were dating someone who had this same characteristic, I would
end up feeling like I was competing with this person for the aftection
_lyadann_: it is need dependant though
_lyadann_: or trait dependant
_lyadann_: is what i meant
_milaralive_: some differences are better not shared, or fine not
shared. Some are more essential.
_lyadann_: *nods*
_lyadann_: do you have any examples?
_milaralive_: The issue I had with arcticelf and lariel was over sex
positivity. I just can't see how arcticelf can have a meaningful
relationship with someone who is sex negative. Turns out that she WAS
sex positive, but yeah.
_milaralive_: it's not so much that it has to be someone like me. I
think if she is like me, or someone I would date, or even be really
close friends with, that's fine.
_lyadann_: *nods*
_lyadann_: what do you mean by sex positive or sex negative?
_milaralive_: um. that's hard. a sex negative person wouldn't, oh,
masturbate, for instance. There's a mindset involved... that sex is
wicked or... I don't know. It's hard to explain.
_lyadann_: 'k... I think I can get it from that :-)
_lyadann_: maybe just someone who's not comfortable with their own
(and other people's?) sexuality?
_milaralive_: probably
_lyadann_: 'k
_milaralive_: do you see why I might think that was an important trait
for someone who is dating arcticelf to have?
_milaralive_: I certainly can't imagine dating someone who is sex
negative.
_lyadann_: well, yes and no... I don't think sex is essential to a
meaningful relationship
_lyadann_: I could see myself having a relationship and loving someone
w/o having sex with them
_lyadann_: sex is a part of intimacy but not all of it, at least not
for me
_milaralive_: yes. but you'remissing the MINDSET behind the behaviour.
_lyadann_: Was she censoring or trying to censor arcticelf's activities
with you or someone else? Is that what you mean by the mindset?
_milaralive_: well, no. I was wrong. Lariel and I talked and it turned
out that by my definitions anyway, she was sex positive.
_lyadann_: *nods* but a sex negative person in general might try to
censor his/her SOs sexual activities
_lyadann_: ?
_milaralive_: but I mean that and... when I have a relationship with
someone, I'm trying to have it not with a being which behaves certain
ways, but also with the essential person underneath. The attitudes of
that person are essential to the rapport I build with him/her.
_milaralive_: censoring, maybe. also disapproval.
_milaralive_: I can't imagine being involved romantically with someone
who disapproved of something that was a large part of who I am/my life
_lyadann_: *nods* I definitely see that
_lyadann_: I don't think that it's possible to have an emotionally
intimate connection with someone if one had that sort of an issue with
them
_lyadann_: so I *think* I understand...
_milaralive_: thing is... and this is getting into stuff more about me
and not SOs, but I connect most thoroughly through sex. I'm a sex
mage. I'm a healer and an empath, and my most effective healing and
empathy is achieved through sex. So sex is really important to me, and
a really GOOD thing. Even a sacred thing.
_lyadann_: And from that, one could extrapolate that it would be
difficult or impossible for you to be with someone, or in a 'family'
type situation with someone, who had issues with sex
_lyadann_: *nods*
_milaralive_: yes.
_lyadann_: I think that I'm like that with tolerance. I
wouldn't/couldn't be with someone who was intolerant, and if I was
with someone and they were with someone who was intolerant, I would
question my perception of the person I was with
_lyadann_: (lyadann dates A, A dates B, B is intolerant, lyadann questions
why she's with A)
_lyadann_: *nods*
_milaralive_: that too. tolerance is really important.
_lyadann_: Tolerance is my own thing... Most other things are
negotiable, but tolerance isn't
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Date: 2002-07-03 12:34 pm (UTC)*resonated-with smile*
A.