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danaerisIt comes right after Nine Months, which I was watching. I thought I was in the mood for it but... I can't watch this right now.
There are too many lost dreams I left behind, too many possibilities I abandoned, hopes and ambitions destroyed.
I usually don't dwell on the past. Those of you who have been reading me for a while know that I'm very forward focused, sometimes even too much -- I should be more focused on the present, on being here now. But most of my focus is, quite frankly, on obsessing about what ifs regarding the future.
But this movie... it makes me think about the what ifs of the past. About my abandoned love of aerospace engineering, and then later of physics. The writing, the dancing, the poetry I've left behind.
I'm young -- only 23 -- and I keep on telling myself that I have more than enough time to be many of these things and more. And some of them... I can't be a physicist again. I won't put myself through that, I won't go there again.
I guess you could say I'm a dreamer. There are a number of things that I want enough that it makes me sad that I cannot do them or be them. But I can't be everything at once. And given that I was an unmedicated depressive, I do believe that I did pretty well for myself in college, even if I am no longer training to be a physicist.
But. Yearning. Apollo 13 embodies yearning, and I can't quite cope with that yearning tonight. Perhaps something more lighthearted.
There are too many lost dreams I left behind, too many possibilities I abandoned, hopes and ambitions destroyed.
I usually don't dwell on the past. Those of you who have been reading me for a while know that I'm very forward focused, sometimes even too much -- I should be more focused on the present, on being here now. But most of my focus is, quite frankly, on obsessing about what ifs regarding the future.
But this movie... it makes me think about the what ifs of the past. About my abandoned love of aerospace engineering, and then later of physics. The writing, the dancing, the poetry I've left behind.
I'm young -- only 23 -- and I keep on telling myself that I have more than enough time to be many of these things and more. And some of them... I can't be a physicist again. I won't put myself through that, I won't go there again.
I guess you could say I'm a dreamer. There are a number of things that I want enough that it makes me sad that I cannot do them or be them. But I can't be everything at once. And given that I was an unmedicated depressive, I do believe that I did pretty well for myself in college, even if I am no longer training to be a physicist.
But. Yearning. Apollo 13 embodies yearning, and I can't quite cope with that yearning tonight. Perhaps something more lighthearted.
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FWIW
Date: 2004-06-04 06:08 am (UTC)I still look to space, not as a steely-eyed missile man, but more along the lines of D. D. Harriman.
Perhaps your calling is not to be the engineer or physicist but to help teach the generation of them to come.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 12:55 am (UTC)And Apollo 13 also embodies coping, going forward with creativity and the best you can... no matter in what field. :)