In and Out of Love

[danaeris]

Some conversations with friends and comments in various journals made me wonder about the evolution of "love" within long term relationships. So here's another fun poll. Sorry, there could only be 20 options for length of relationship; choose 20 and I will assume it is 20+

[Poll #244039]

Comments

[emmett-the-sane.livejournal.com]

I have to say that, for me, love isn't something that waxes and wanes... it is a digital valve, waiting only for action to be channeled through it. If I loved someone in the past, then I never truly no longer love them. I may choose not to direct my energy through the valve anymore... but the valve's still there, and open.

[auros]

I'm assuming by "digital" you just mean, either it's there or its not? That implies that it's at least possible for it to disappear... Though that may be appropriate to the metaphor. I had one partner who sufficiently abused my trust to make me completely re-evaluate my sense of who she was, in her essence, and stop loving her.

In any case, I think I basically agree. Most of my past partners -- including the ones where I initiated the breakup -- I'd happily be involved with again, though possibly not in the same way / at the same level as before. I don't buy the idea that relationships break down due to transcendentally incomprehensible "incompatibility". A partnership can stumble into territory that's inappropriate or dysfunctional, but if both people are basically decent and sane, still care about each other, and have the motivation, there's no reason why, after taking some time to cool off and gain a bit of distance, they can't explore options again to figure out what sort of relationship is functional for them. *shrug*

Regarding the phrasing of the final question... I'm chose the equivocal "agree with part", because I've never thought of myself as having fallen out of love with anyone, barring the one (rather extreme) exception... I agree that it's fundamental to care about somebody as a friend and partner (almost like a business partner), and for that caring to be enough for you to be willing to work things through with them even during periods when you're mad at them, aren't getting a euphoric buzz off their presence, etc. But I don't think of those periods as being periods where one "fell out of love". I think this is just semantic detail, and that those conditions fit your (Q's) working definition of "falling out of love" here. But I'm not positive.

Re:

[emmett-the-sane.livejournal.com]

Maybe a valve wasn't the best analogy... it's a little like a hole punched in a sheet of plastic, except that I can control how much pressure goes to each hole (to a certain extent). Once the hole's there, it cannot be closed, only disused.

I don't agree about the matter that people cannot be "incompatible." While there might be a wide variety of issues that people can compromise on, the problem is that on particular topics, one of the partners may not be willing to compromise. And that might leave the other with an unfulfilled need.

[dazzlynn.livejournal.com]

length of relationship

I assumed years. It's not clear. years or months?

About maintaining a relationship. I think it's based on friendship and compatibility. The ability to have a partnership. Love is a very big part of it, but I don't believe in the "rode up on a white horse" kind of love.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

is there some reason you don't want the lengths of the longest relationships of those who are not currently in them? I have definitely had a long term relationship before. The fact that it is over does not stop it from having been long term.

[redhead33.livejournal.com]

I've subscribed to the theory that men are like rubber bands and they need to 'just get away' sometimes. In my relationships at least I've noticed that mens love seems to go through phases, in and out, up and down, more than mine seems to. It's really frustrating and sometimes drives me insane, makes me sad and causes problems. I wish that I could deal with it better. Ideally I could just be able to handle it when a man needs space and doesn't feel loving, and be able to trust that his loving feelings will come back, but I haven't mastered that yet (I'm not saying any of this as advice to you, I know nothing about what happened, this is advice to me). I've had men in the past (really immature ones!)tell me that they love me, then later that they don't love me and then had them say that they did... that kind of cycle is just too damaging for a woman I think. It may be honest, but it is too much to bear. I need the men in my life to realize that even when they do not feel love, that THEY can also trust that the loving feeling will come back, and not to permanently damage the relationship just to be more honest.
Permanently falling out of love is another story... Oh God does that suck. When I got left by Mike (he let with KEVIN!) I just couldn't even comprehend that the love that had been there and been so strong, so open, so public, so involved and so enjoyable was so suddenly completely gone. I lost a bit of faith in men to be honest about their emotions after dealing with Mike. I said to him "You're GAY?! When did this happen!!!??". Sudden shocking revelations can be devastating.