Public Apology and Explanation
Oct. 26th, 2003 07:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisA little less than a year ago, I began engaging in activities such as meditation which increase self-awareness and self-discovery, and often bring out buried issues.
I didn't realize it until recently, but that opened the floodgates in my mind, and since then, I have been in crisis mode nearly constantly, always focused on whatever the current issue I'm working on was. Basically, my hindbrain registered it all as, "Shit, I'm flawed, if I don't fix it soon everyone will hate me and they'll kill me for being imperfect."
For those who are outspoken and will just start talking about their problems outright, for those who will say, "I need your help," there hasn't been a noticeable difference, and I've been there for them when they reached out for my help or support or simply attention.
But for those who drop a hint and wait for me to notice.... I wasn't there. I kept on returning to my own problems because I felt I had to fix them NOW, and the hints were not strong enough cries for help to snap me into healer mode.
This entry is my apology to those people. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry that it seemed that I didn't care -- I did, I just didn't know you were reaching out because I was too self-absorbed at the time.
Some of you are going to look at this and say "oh, she's making excuses." To those who say that, fuck you. True friendship and understanding and human connection comes from understanding each other. When I make a mistake, I feel those I have wronged have a right to know why I made it. In part so they can decide if I deserve their forgiveness, and in part so that they can understand me better. Often, knowing WHY someone did something hurtful makes it less hurtful.
A few statements...
That's all for now. I had a beautiful weekend and I'm deliriously happy. But I wanted to post this now before I forgot.
I didn't realize it until recently, but that opened the floodgates in my mind, and since then, I have been in crisis mode nearly constantly, always focused on whatever the current issue I'm working on was. Basically, my hindbrain registered it all as, "Shit, I'm flawed, if I don't fix it soon everyone will hate me and they'll kill me for being imperfect."
For those who are outspoken and will just start talking about their problems outright, for those who will say, "I need your help," there hasn't been a noticeable difference, and I've been there for them when they reached out for my help or support or simply attention.
But for those who drop a hint and wait for me to notice.... I wasn't there. I kept on returning to my own problems because I felt I had to fix them NOW, and the hints were not strong enough cries for help to snap me into healer mode.
This entry is my apology to those people. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry that it seemed that I didn't care -- I did, I just didn't know you were reaching out because I was too self-absorbed at the time.
Some of you are going to look at this and say "oh, she's making excuses." To those who say that, fuck you. True friendship and understanding and human connection comes from understanding each other. When I make a mistake, I feel those I have wronged have a right to know why I made it. In part so they can decide if I deserve their forgiveness, and in part so that they can understand me better. Often, knowing WHY someone did something hurtful makes it less hurtful.
A few statements...
- When I apologize, I explain myself. It's not trying to wiggle out of responsibility. It's reconnecting. So much value can be gained out of understanding why someone wronged you... and that person explaining why does not mean that they don't feel guilty or take responsibility for their actions. It means that they believe that you care about understanding the events in your life and the people in your life.
- I suck at responding to comments left in my journal. I'm sorry, its just the way I am. If you expect a response to your comment and will be offended if I don't respond, then you probably just shouldn't comment. Because odds are low that I will respond.
That's all for now. I had a beautiful weekend and I'm deliriously happy. But I wanted to post this now before I forgot.
