Let the anonymous confessing begin...

[danaeris]

Stealing this meme from jodymeme...

I'm going to turn off IP logging and allow anonymous posting in my journal so that you can all respond to this post. Basically, this is your chance to anonymously confess something, or to tell me something you've always wanted to tell me, or to say something you've always wanted to say but were scared to announce or admit. Anonymously.

Have at!

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I think you're really attractive, but I keep choking when I try to ask you out. I've come this close to doing it two or three times, but then when I thought I had the courage up to do it, I failed.

I'm scared of rejection. Or of you laughing at me. They're much the same.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Rejection is definitely scary. It's not something I've ever really feared in spite of the fact that I got rejected by almost everyone I asked out in high school. Since college that hasn't been so much of a problem for some reason. Perhaps I met more like-minded individuals.

Anyway... if you ask me out, I promise to be kind and thoughtful if I decide to say no. There are actually more than a few folks in the Bay Area who I've thought of dating but haven't been sufficiently motivated to pursue anything with. If one of those folks asked me out, I'd almost certainly say yes. And you could be one of those people. :)

I don't laugh at people who ask me out. It's a very personal thing and... when I see someone up close, when I see their humanity, I can't be mean to them. It's just not the way I am. There are many beautiful people who I am nonetheless not attracted to. There are many not-so-beautiful (on the exterior) people who I have been or am attracted to simply because they are so beautiful on the inside. Don't make any assumptions about what anyone wants because they may surprise you.

And hey, if you ask me out and get it over with, you can stop wondering and either get a date with me or move on!

Whatever you decide to do ultimately, I hope that you are happy. That's the important thing! Maybe the uncertainty is fun. Maybe you enjoy savoring it. I've known people who were that way. So I hope you're happy, whatever happens and whatever you decide to do.

I'm terrified...

[(Anonymous)]

I'm weak.

I need to find myself, but I'm afraid I won't like me when I do.

The last time I did this meme, I lied.

I don't trust my SO. I'm so madly in love it's scary and terrifying, I'm going to lose myself in this, in Us.. but I don't know that I can trust zir. It's only been a year since the world blew up in my face, and I'm afraid to trust. I keep thinking I don't know zir well enough. I'm afraid to trust myself, too.

I want to be owned. I want to be controlled. I want to pitch a fit and be set down, in my place, and informed that I am *not* in charge. I want to push and have zir push back, rather than giving. It takes two, and it's no fun to push if there's no resistance. I don't want to submit, I want to be dominated. I don't want to be weak, I want zie to be stronger than me.

I think you are amazing... beautiful and sexy and so very brave. I don't know if we could ever be friends, I think we may be too much alike to get along... but I wish I were brave enough to tell you in person how much I respect you.

I've been in a monogamous relationship for a year, and I'm happier than I every thought I could be. And I keep looking for ways to self-destruct it, cause I can't believe how in love I am, and how well we get along. We have had two arguments in ten months. (we had several misunderstandings the first couple months, cause I was hearing things between the lines, rather than trusting zir to say exactly what zie meant)

I was actually thinking about doing one of these "tell me a secret" memes on the way into work today.

Re: I'm terrified...

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I need to find myself, but I'm afraid I won't like me when I do.

That's the amazing thing, for me, about finding myself. Finding myself has been a combination of becoming the kind of person I like, and discovering the things that set me off (both in good and bad ways). When I find things that 'set me off' I decide if I like them, and if I don't, I try my best to work around them, to offset them, to minimize them in my life, and eventually, to overcome them. But yes, I actually believe that finding yourself is all about becoming the kind of person you would like and respect.

I think this comment of yours indicates a real passion for life, and that is truly beautiful. It is those who feel most strongly who must be the strongest...

I'm flattered that you respect me so much, even if you never tell me.

And I think its wonderful that you've found a relationship you are so happy in. If you WANT to go poly, perhaps when you become more secure in your SOs love, it will be time/safe. If you don't... it sounds like you made it home.

Anyway. It sounds like you're on the edge of something. Keep on pushing. Keep on shining, keep on living life to its fullest and you'll get there.

[(Anonymous)]

When asking people how they perceive you, I think you would learn much more if you simply said "thank you" at the end and didn't try to explain yourself or change their mind with words. Asking for people's opinions is the time for listening to those opinions, not trying to change them. People want to know that their opinions, when requested, are being heard, not dismissed. Otherwise, they will stop giving their opinions.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Hmm, am I supposed to reply to this, or am I supposed to sit back and consider this opinion?

You've got me there. I even want to respond to this one. :)

[(Anonymous)]

I think you need to take others' feelings into account more often than you do. I don't know if you're not aware of how people around you feel about your actions or if you don't care how your actions affect people, but I hope you're just not seeing, instead of being deliberately mean or selfish.

but deliberate or not, I believe your actions' consequences will be visited upon you (whether you believe that or not, or any variation of the threefold law or wiccan rede). and I don't like seeing people get hurt, be they people around you who get hurt when you are unthinkingly inconsiderate of their feelings, or you yourself.

you spend a lot of time in your journal analyzing how you feel but I don't think you observe other people and their feelings as much. you seem to like it when you get positive feedback, if you are more considerate of other people then you might get more positive energy back from them.

maybe you should observe and listen more and worry less about your own feelings. I don't know you that well but I do see people pulling away from you and I've seen times when your version of an event or incient doesnt match what other people saw or felt.

I think your own personal growth would be helped a lot if you were less concerned with yourself and more with others, at least for a while.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Your comments are interesting and feel, honestly, like they are completely out of touch with reality. Which means that if I AM stepping on people's toes, its because I'm oblivious and not for any other reason.

I'm curious how many personal interactions you've had with me. Are your assessments wholly based on livejournal? Or have you had extensive in person contact with me?

There have been periods where I journalled in ways that in hindsight could have hurt others. I have tried to change that more recently, but I can only try my best. *shrug* As far as in person... I would be shocked if I could be described as self-centered in person. But stranger things have happened.

[(Anonymous)]

It takes a certain amount of bravery to open yourself like this. Congratulations.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

heh. I appreciate the congratulations, even though this isn't quite what I had intended. Ah well. Live and learn.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know you terribly well, but I'd like to. You seem very cool and interesting on both superficial and deeper levels (at least from what I've seen so far) and there's a lot I think I'd enjoy discussing with you. But (and this is a problem I've always had) I have no idea how to go about trying to be better friends with somebody when I'm not trying to pursue a romantic relationship with them. My friendships have always just sort of happened, and at least a couple of times when I've tried to push for friendship it's worked out very badly. So, I have no clue what to do in this case.

Man, I sound like a shmuck.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

When I want to get to know someone better as a friend, I usually make a date with them, but make it clear that this is a platonic date. We do coffee or hang out in a park or do dinner. It's relaxing and a great way to get to know someone better.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Oh, and no, you don't sound like a schmuck. You sound like someone dealing with a situation where the rules have changed! That's hard for anyone and everyone.

[(Anonymous)]

You take everything waaaay too seriously.
I think that you need to laugh more.
Life is silly.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

After some serious thought, I've decided to take this to the senior aardvark for further discussion.

[(Anonymous)]

i wish i had words to say how much your friendship and wise words have meant to me and how much it pains me that the friendship has been strained by recent events... in struggling to make myself a better person, i'm trying to live up to my own standards, but also to those of certain respected friends. i have felt lately lately like i'm falling short, losing ground in terms of their respect.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

In my experience, a lot of respect can be gained by making it clear to other people that you know you fucked up and you are trying very hard to learn and improve yourself. I know that the impetus to be a better person, have a better life, etc. is among the things I respect the most.

Let people know that you're struggling and that you care about being a 'good person', even if you don't want their input. It'll go a long way.

[(Anonymous)]

When I met you, even though I got the "I've met you before in a past life" feeling that I get sometimes, I never mentioned it to you. Mostly because something about you puts me off in a strange way. I like you. You're very intelligent and you have good intentions, but you're self-centered in the kind of way that irritates me. Namely, you're the insecure kind of self-centered.

This irritates me because I'm similar in that way, and have gone through great lengths to work on that aspect of myself, while it doesn't even seem like you realize how self-centered and whiney you are. I've tried toning down the self-centeredness in myself, but what worked the best was just having a healthy dose of self confidence. I like you. I like you a lot. You just need to grow some balls.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll never claim that I'm not insecure. It's something I have to constantly struggle with.

The suggestions I've gotten that I'm self-centered both puzzle and interest me. At times, I do things that are completely selfless (to the point of stupidity). Like, at my birthday party last year, I went and cried in the laundry room for 3 hours rather than interrupt Unseelie's scene with someone else. That was stupid... he's my primary and it was my birthday. I do think that I spend a lot of time thinking about my own problems, but since very few people around here talk to me about theirs, its not like I have much else to think about. And I won't get over my issues by ignoring them.

But that may not be the kind of self-centered that you're talking about... I can see that insecurity brings about a sort of self-centered. That is, the insecure keep on coming back to "But are you SURE you love me?" kind of like a ball falling into a gravity well.

The growing some balls comment was really interesting. I'm really ballsy in some ways. I say what I think and I'm not afraid to do so, to ask people out, to... well, ALMOST everything. But that's not the kind of balls you're talking about, I suspect. What I'm guessing you're talking about is the confidence to reach my own conclusions and not seek external confirmation. And that's definitely something I've been learning to do. Slowly, sadly. But you're right. It's a, well, a worthy goal.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not the original poster, but I wanted to offer some reflections on this.

As another person who's generous to a fault, I know some patterns, and I've also been astonished when people called me self-centered.

The crux of the matter is this: when I'm ignoring my own needs, they are shoring up behind a dam. When that dam bursts, then suddenly my needs flood over everything and everyone. People have various levels of guilt that have built up (because of feeling gratitude). And suddenly it feels like everything nice I've ever done comes with "a price."

Maybe that's what has happened with you?

If so, the answer is not to become less, but more self-centered. Balance your needs with those of others, and put them preferentially first when you need to, before they build up. Unintuitive, that.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I think I've seen that pattern occur before, sometimes in myself, but more often in others. I don't think that's what's going on here, but you can take that with a grain of salt. It's definitely something I've BEEN guilty of.

Actually, its more like... I've been trying to learn how to do the balancing act you describe for the first time. I used to always try to be the strong one because I knew I could take it. unseelie has made it clear to me that I don't have to be the strong one, that its ok to be weak. But now I don't know how to tell when I should be weak and when I should be strong. Or, more like, I'm learning how to tell.

So maybe what you're saying is true, but on a greater scale. For the last YEAR I think the floodgates you describe have been open and deluging everyone with weakness. And I think that I am only now starting to find some balance... something I was forced to do in the recent drama that occurred between unseelie, nytemuse and I.

Huh. Thank you. That actually was a very helpful piece of input once I put it in context with my own life. I hope you'll forgive me for thinking out loud in this response. :)

[(Anonymous)]

That's what I meant when I posted that. It's OK to be self-centered.. who else should you center yourself around besides you? I thrive off of being around big egos. I learn from them.

Insecure self-centeredness is just flat out draining to be around. Someone who constantly seeks acceptance and validation amounts to a psychic vampire. questioner isn't an extreme example of this, but it surfaces enough for me to want to shake some sense into her sometimes.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I wanted to thank you (whoever you are) for putting this comment in. It may be the most helpful comment I've gotten from this meme.

IF I've interpreted your comment correctly, then you are doubly thanked. Either way, I appreciate your having caused me to think about this.

I'm resolving in the future to admit to myself my opinions before I go seeking discourse about them. To commit to those opinions. I'm also resolving, in the future, to make it clear when I seek input that I am not asking for opinions, per se. Rather, I will be looking to have a discourse where others will seek to poke holes in my opinions/arguments, and I will see if I can adequately defend them. Thus, they can stand up over time, or not, but I will be coming from a position centered within myself, not within others. Also, those participating will be able to go into the discussion with their eyes wide open... ie. knowing that it is a discussion and that I will answer back and argue with them.

[(Anonymous)]

YES! Be self-centered in a way that shines, not in a way that sucks!

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm totally psyched that I got what you were saying. Go me! Still not king...

[(Anonymous)]

i ended my first really good relationship a few months ago; i'm still not sure why. 2 and a half years. he loved me, opened up completely, and i.... i always held much of myself in, kept in reserve, hidden just for me. i loved him deeply, or thought i did, but over time i grew to resent him, and how close he was to me. i want to trust, but desire doesn't seem to be enough. i could never fall asleep next to him. now i'm jealous of the time and attention he used to spend on me being directed elsewhere, but i don't think either of us want to get back together. i can't seem to get over my guilt, for resenting his love and affection, hating how close he got to me, and for letting myself fall out of love.

i think i'm broken. no sane together person would have done something this stupid.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

There are people who truly believe that it is unhealthy to show all of yourself to someone, while there are others who believe the opposite, that hiding something from your partner is a sign of serious issues.

My unsolicited advice:
Who are you? Do you WANT to be in relationships like that? Or would you be happier living a life of less committed relationships? Some people are perfectly happy that way, living on the edge so to speak. Society tells us there's something wrong with that, but that isn't necessarily so, just like some folks don't want to commit to another life form by having children. Others want to find long term love, a life partner, and build a secure life together.

Once you know what you want, who you want to be, and are committed to that path, then you can decide if you need to be 'fixed.' It may be true that to have a long term committed, secure relationship, you'll need some therapy. It may also be true that the way this person expressed his love made you uncomfortable, that the same experience with someone else would play out very differently. It takes two to tango and I wouldn't necessarily assume that this is all about you and your issues.

Good luck! *hugs*

trust and desire

[(Anonymous)]

just wanting to trust is not enough in the short term...but in the long term, it is, or at least can be. i guess it's probably a moot point since you say you don't want to get back together, but if you did, taking things slowly might help. in your situation, i'd start by spending time doing things together as friends maybe once a week or so, not talking about your relationship, so we'd build back up our images of each other as basically decent people, and as friends; then move on to having some sort of mediated talk (either with a trusted mutual friend, or an impartial friend-of-a-friend type with a good reputation for that sort of thing, or an actual therapist or counselor) about what went wrong, how to resolve the issues, and how to prevent things from going wrong again later. this latter part probably will require both parties to admit to some flaws and mistakes they'd rather not think about; even if that doesn't lead to getting back together, it probably will at least help both parties grow as individuals... in any case, if you believe that the mistrust and resentment were irrational and should not have been there, in the long run you may be able to train your emotions into synchronicity with that belief, and find ways to open up about your feelings that don't feel too terribly risky or threatening...

or something like that.

sorry if this is slightly incoherent. not enough sleep.

[(Anonymous)]

I always say how much I value truth, but I lie more often than I'd ever admit.. and I get away with it because I'm otherwise so honest.

[(Anonymous)]

the dieting stuff drives me bat-shit.
it is so disheartening to see an intelligent, attractive woman being so terribel to her body and self. I mean, you call your body "stupid body" all the time! how terrible is that for your body?!

yuou ARE NOT FAT. not by any standards. you have a small amouint of fleshiness. I don't care what the height/weight charts say or what the number on the scale is.

if you to be health, eat fruits and veggies and enough protein, avoius processed foods (esp. hydrogenated oils), get some fat in there for skin/hair and that yummy full feeling. and do regular exercise you enjoy.

your constant obssessing about your weight contributes to the climate of fat hatered. what do you think other women, many much fatter than you, think when they hear you talk about this. I'll teel you--"if SHE'S fat, what am I? she must think I'm disgusting." and involving dieting in bdsm--I'm kinky too and it makes my skin *crawl* when people do this. it just seems wrong, wrong, wrong and an abuse of the relationship. I mean, who are you dieting for? for you?

and god damn, it's so boring when someone drones on and on about dieting and how they can better starve themselves.
I really suggest a diet/body issues filter.

as for slef-centeredness, I do honestly think you're oblivious sometimes. I know you IRT and I know almost everytime I've spent time around you, you end up really annoying me, despite my liking you. You are very caught up in your own issues and don't often see the more subtle reactions of people around you.

You don't seem to take other people's needs/feelings into account nearly as much as you think.
In person, you talk almost constantly about yourself, your life, your issues--you're not very interested in what is important to others. You're touchy and easily snappish and seem hyper-sensitve to others making demands on you when you constantly make demands on them.
And the other major thing that drives me crazy is the way you'll suggest or begin to plan something, from dinner to an outing, get pissed when people don't respond exactly the way you want them to, abandon the idea/plan and then snap at the next person who inquires about what is going on with it. i know the reverse ageism thing really bothers you, but honey, you are really young and not veryone else is in the place you're in anymore.

I like you. I think you're smart and have a lot of potential. I think you have a good heart and a lot of potential. I also think you're attractive although not my type.

I say these things because it bothers me to be so annoyed by someone I do actually like and haven't felt like there was any way to bring them up. and well, you did ask...

[(Anonymous)]

anoy. from above again. god, there's a lot of typos in that! chalk it up to passion.

one more thing--I feel like I've reached out to you with care, concern, advice, offers of connection several times and either they've been ignored or dismissed. I think you like me as person--maybe you don't and that's why you do this. but if you do, then it's been hurting my feelings that you've been kind of cavalier about the caring attention you demand *so frequently* (emotional support, interest in your life/ideas/interests, rides, keeping you company, advice etc.) from everyone around you. and I for one am no longer inclined to give it you, due to you lack of appreciation
nobody's entitled to a caring, attentive community of friends/lovers--you need to give back.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Are you ready to listen? I know there are people who I've met here who clearly are not willing or ready to listen to my advice (hell, I'm sure I knew lots of people like that back in Boston, I just didn't know enough to figure out who they were back then, or would give them the advice anyway and piss them off). It's hard to care for someone and be sympathetic when you're thinking, "well, its because you have this issue that everyone knows about, but you don't want to hear criticism, so I can't tell you that."

Perhaps I need to learn to only ask advice from those to whom I can give advice. Hmm.

[(Anonymous)]

(holds mirror up)
It's hard to care for someone and be sympathetic when you're thinking, "well, its because you have this issue that everyone knows about, but you don't want to hear criticism, so I can't tell you that."

this is sooooo you.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

*shrug* I know some people feel that way. I'm sorry that they do, but there's little I can do about it other than continue to try to be the best person I can be.

I'd like to draw a distinction between listening to criticism, considering it seriously, and rejecting it, and not listening to it at all.

I think this whole post is some pretty obvious evidence that I DO listen and learn from criticism. People have anonymously told me that I am self-centered and insensitive, and I have learned from it rather than reacting poorly. Not all of the learning has gone here, but it has already changed the way I'm behaving.

[(Anonymous)]

that was not the orginal poster replying immediately above.

as I am the original poster, I'll say that I don't ever recall any oppurtunity for you to give me advice that has come up. I don't solict advice regularly from people who read my lj and I don't think any of my issues have some up in any other ontext in which I know you.

so, I don't think it's that I won't listen to you. I try to be an excellent listener--even when I'm pissed off/offedned/can't agfree with what someone says, I try to hear them out.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

OK, my apologies for the confusion. Let me, having reread what you wrote in the original two comments, try again.

You said in your second comment,

nobody's entitled to a caring, attentive community of friends/lovers--you need to give back.

I guess because you finished on the thought of give back, I focused in on that. Some people don't give me the opportunity to give back and in those cases, I don't particularly feel responsible. *shrug*

But your main hurt in that second comment seemed to focus on my not taking your advice.

I ALWAYS consider the advice given to me. Some pieces of advice I consider more thoroughly. Others less so. But I sit down, think about it, consider it seriously, and then incorporate it into my life or not. I'm sorry if I've deemed all of the advice you've given me invalid... maybe you just don't understand me very well. Or maybe I HAVE used some of your advice, and I haven't made it clear to you that I used it, accepted it, and am grateful for the help. I will make a conscious effort in the future to be more aware of who gave me advice and to make sure they know they made a difference. But what can I say? Ultimately, I have to trust my own judgement, and if my judgement happens to reject your advice, I'm not going to take it.

[(Anonymous)]

the hurt is not about *taking* advice.
I don't think I'm always right or know best for everyone.

what I mean is this: when one solicits advice/information/opinions/response from one's community and then someone takes the time, energy and care to think about your issue and respond to it, it's nice to *acknowledge* what that person has done.
first, because you actively asked others for something and secondly, because they gave it to you.

it's really frustrating to feel like the little bits of energy that you're taking to care for other people are unappreciated or unnoticed.

a simple "thanks. I'll think about that" is what I'm talking about.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Is this mainly an in person thanking thing, or does this tie in much to the fact that I tend not to reply to LJ comments, unlike some people who will thank everyone who comments in their journal? Or is it both?

[(Anonymous)]

both.

it's a different case entirely when someone offers unsolicited or random advice etc. when you're not seeking it.

it's when you specifically ask people to respond with advice etc. that I'm talking about.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

As far as the dieting is concerned, *I* want to loose weight. *I* feel unhealthy. *I* don't like the way I look in the mirror. It happens that I have a type, and it isn't super skinny, but it isn't as heavy as I am, and I want to look attractive by my standards. Again, *I* asked unseelie to put me on a diet. I found that when I dieted, everything became an exception if I didn't have some kind of hard line. With him in charge of the diet I get plenty of exceptions and tasty food because he loves me and indulges me a lot, but I still eat little enough junk food and fattening food that I haven't gained any weight. Because currently, left to my own devices, I WILL eat too much sugary stuff and chocolate and gain weight. And *I* don't want that.

I really don't feel that I obssess often about my weight. I know people who do and I hardly ever talk about it. But a related filter might be worthwhile because I know there are anorexic, bulimic, etc. people out there who might be seriously bothered by discussions like that. So.

As for insensitive and self-centered... I have been very distracted and recent conversations about this stuff has made me more aware of that... so I'm going to try to change that. I do get sick of rehashing my issues over and over again, believe it or not. You may confide in me, but very few people do and believe it or not I am fascinated and eager to hear about other people's problems and when appropriate offer comfort or advice.

I'm sorry if my distractedness has led to your feelings being hurt. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

As for finding a way to bring it up with me... Why not just tell me? I've never understood why people won't just sit down with me and say, "I feel blah about the way we interact, and it hurts me and frustrates me. Can we talk about this?" Especially in person, I'm very open to conversations of this nature.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Correction: I feel like I don't talk about my weight much, but its hard to tell because I haven't been paying attention. So its unfair of me to state that I DON'T. And sadly, its something I'd have to be aware of over time to know if its right. But either way, I'll seriously consider a related filter so those with issues don't have to see it.

Your handle...

[(Anonymous)]

I know this thread is basically dead..but as an interested reader I'm curious.

Your lj handle is questioner,and from what I've read/seen...you want to question the world, and find "truth". By the same token..some responses you've had here have come out of what seems to be a defensive space (espcially with the clarification post).

I guess what I wonder about is do you question yourself based on all this? Or what I mean to say is, we all have our own version of "truth" or "whats so". Rather then taking what people say here as correct or incorrect, have you inquired as to "why" those perceptions are there, and why they seem to come up for a few people in your community?

Re: Your handle...

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I was given the handle in high school. My guidance counselor said, "You know what I like about you?" And I said, "What?" And she said, "You question everything." Before I had a chance to think, I said, "I do?"

Then we both laughed.

I don't know if I question everything, but I sure do try. One of the reasons why even constructive criticism is hard for me is that no matter how secure I am in my own self-image, I do stop and seriously consider if it is true. Deconstructing your world view and in many cases your self-esteem to do that is painful and hard. I don't give every comment that much consideration but if it comes up again and again (like this self-centeredness thing), I do. If you're on the right filters, you'll see I've actually been musing a lot about the different meanings of insensitivity and self-confidence and trying to assess how they apply to me. In some cases, the meanings refer to obliviousness. I can try to be more aware, but in the end, if I'm being oblivious, I won't know, and need the help of those around me to TELL me what I'm doing wrong. As for the rest, I feel I'm either learning from them and getting over them or am confident that I am not guilty of them.

Do I question everything? No. But I sure do try.
Um, in case I haven't answered your question, moreearly morning babbling... when someone offers me criticism, I have a gut reaction. Then I start babbling about it, either with them, or with a friend, or on a filtered post, or in a private post, or in my head. It goes back and forth as I argue between my gut reaction and what they are saying, where they got that idea from, etc. Eventually, I reach either a sort of consensus, or an uncertainty. With uncertainties, I go talk to other people, see if they have any other points to make. Even with consensus I sometimes present my conclusions to others to pick apart. And sometimes they do and then its back to square one. This is why these people who try to work out their issues without talking to others puzzle me so much (on an instinctive level). I get an interesting new perspective from others so often that I KNOW those people are missing out on a bunch of amazing opportunities for self-improvement. But if they don't have the equipment or right head space or bandwidth to take advantage of that right now, I guess that makes sense.

From Boston

[(Anonymous)]

I like reading your journal. I haven't seen you for a year, but you feel much less distant than many other people who I no longer see, because I hear about your life constantly. :)

I'm impressed with how much effort you have put into improving yourself and figuring yourself out in the last year.

It makes me sad when it seems like you're running into problems in SF that are similar to the problems you had in Boston... or seem to have the same root cause. But you're still the same M---, so that doesn't seem that surprising. Things do seem to be going better for you, which is good!

I was kinda surprised when you left. I fully expected you to stay around and be cruft. But, well, you do latch onto ideas. It seems like you find something, like a new subculture or idea or place or person, and throw yourself at it with wild abandon. Sometimes i felt like this led people to disrespect your choices, because they seemed rushed. For example, you seemed to go from a not very Jewish jew to being very pagan in the space of about three weeks. Also, it seemed to some people like you were playing the "collect the subcultures/labels" game, to see how many you could attach to your identity, how freakish and off from the mainstream you could be. And sometimes, about how in-your-face you could be about your choices.

And sometimes it seemed like you didn't really respect people who hadn't made the same choices you did. You'd call them "sex negative" or seem like maybe you looked down on them for it. Or you'd talk about your sex life to people who really didn't want to hear or in places that made people uncomfortable, and that came across as rude. You'd become very attached to your ideas, and view yourself as an authority a bit too quickly. You'd lecture someone on a topic that you knew nothing about a month ago, and which they did then and still did know more about. And that was annoying.

Sometimes we thought you were just having... a rebound reaction to your marriage, which you had rushed into despite what anyone had said because you were in love and going to be married god damn it. But then it never went away, so we figured it was just you. :)

I'm sorry for the contributions i may have made to your problems in boston. Yes, people made fun of you, and yes, I did, and yes, it's mean. and yes, i hate it when it happens to me... but sometimes you really really pissed me off, dear. It's all long gone problems, but at the time i was upset and venting. I'm sorry for whatever pain it may have caused you, and I'm sorry for the pain you caused me. Things weren't always great, but I do miss you.

You do seem to take things too seriously, but, well, that's the way you are. You over think and over analyze but I don't see anything fundamentally wrong with that.

Remember, just because you rub some people the wrong way in life doesn't make you a bad person. you hold strong opinions. You're.... you're M----. You'll never please everyone and remain true to yourself. no one ever pleases everyone, no matter how much we might want to or try to.

And i feel like i must have given myself away completely in this post, and maybe i should have split it up into several posts, but it's nothing i don't think you can handle and nothing that isn't true. Do with it as you will.

Important note: I have mostly talked about what you were like when you loved in Boston. Things have changed. i don't see your interactions with people, so I don't know if they have changed.

Good luck with your journey through life. I hope you enjoy it.

--An old friend

Re: From Boston

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

... thank you...

Yes. I do think I know who you are, but does that really matter?

You ARE a voice of sanity. "I can't make everyone happy" should be a mantra. I can't stop people from seeing the flaw that I can't see, or seeing a flaw that isn't there. It'll happen, and it'll suck.

I should write you an email someday, an honest email. It will be mostly good things but there will be some bad, just like there were some bads in this comment.

In spite of the fact that some of the folks who are beating up on me in these comments are hurting me a lot, there is a grain of truth in almost everything they've said, even if they didn't mean it in the way it is true, or don't understand why I've been that way.

I think, no, I firmly believe that deep down inside I'm a good caring person. But sometimes life gets in the way, hides the parts of you that matter most, obscures things. As you've been able to tell, the last almost 1.5 years have been crazy for me (and for you!). I'm learning, but maybe I'm learning too fast. I've decided I need to slow down, or I'll never be able to have real friendships and healthy interactions with most of the people around me. Now I just need to figure out how to slow down.

I know what people thought of me, or I know some of them. I really wasn't playing the label game, though parts of me delighted in it. And I still have trouble with talking about the wrong things in the wrong place... I hate compartmentalizing my life, hiding myself to make others comfortable; I prefer to just be able to say what I think/feel. In my current social circles, that's no longer a problem. And that's one of the reasons why I want to freelance.

I appreciate your apology... although you hurt me at times, I knew deep down inside that you didn't mean it, that if you stopped and thought about it that you wouldn't have said it. And I'm sorry for any pain I caused you... maybe someday you can tell me about it so I can apologize properly.

I actually do believe the problems here are very different, and I think that with the new social groups I've met those problems seem to have gone away. Because I was depressed, or because they just weren't ME, I didn't click with the first social crowd I met here. But I've met 2.5 more now, and that crowd is populated by some amazing, wonderful people.

The funny thing is, back in Boston I felt much more controversial, but I also felt much more loved. I felt that there were people I could go to to lean on, whereas here, I feel like I'm imposing on everyone except Unseelie. They may listen, but I don't feel that I have an open invitation from ANYONE (except unseelie) to vent, talk about Stuff, etc. And that is a very lonely feeling. I'm hoping that will change, though.

The move to SF did enable me to see things in a fresh new light. More importantly, it enabled my relationship with unseelie. I loved claymore and arcticelf, but anyone who has watched my progress in the last 1.5 years can tell that I've learned a lot of useful things that I might never have learned if I hadn't met unseelie. Knowing him has changed me in amazing, wonderful, and ineradicable ways. And maybe you can't see that, but I can... and I guess like you said, I have strong opinions. Funny that I'm so externalized and yet embrace my opinions so thoroughly.

Anyway. Your comment was helpful for me and ... well, thank you.