On the use of livejournals

[danaeris]

A recent conversation in unseelie's journal made me want to say a few things about livejournal and discretion.

A lot of people seem to have the attitude, "It's my journal and I can do whatever I want with it." There is some truth in that. Certainly, when people get annoyed because someone whines too much or whatnot, they are, imo, out of line. If you don't want to read the whining... stop reading the journal!

However, for the most part, that attitude holds no water. Most of the people I know pride themselves in being socially conscious and caring people who aim to minimize the drama and pain in their friends' lives. If you use your journal with the attitude that its your journal and you can put whatever you want in it filtered as you please, then you will usually end up disregarding all of the above and inevitably cause drama and pain and unhappiness. Like it or not, all that badness will have been caused by your journalling without discretion.

I have, in my time, journalled a lot without discretion. It has always ended badly... either by damaging my own reputation or by hurting others or by creating drama (or all of the above, quite frankly). It's not a pretty thing.

Now my journal is heavily filtered to avoid just that very thing. I'm still not perfect, but I'm trying, and that is all I can ask of you.

So I beg you all, before you press that "Update Journal" button, ask yourself:

• What impression does this post give the world about myself? Is it accurate? When I've calmed down, will I care? Will those who can read it understand and forgive me for it?
  
• What impression does this post give the world about others? Is it accurate? Would those others care about it? Will I care once I've calmed down? Will those who can read it filter it appropriately?
  
• Who is reading this post and with what filters will they perceive it?
  
• Is this post passive aggressive? Should I be writing an email to someone to communicate about this issue privately instead? Or venting in a private post or to a small filtered group of trusted friends instead? Or both?
  
• Have I made it clear that this post is just venting or that certain statements are not really meant, were only said in heat?
  
• Will this post hurt someone's feelings?
  
• Will this post betray someone's confidence (or secrets of my own) directly or indirectly? Remember, people can put two and two together. Just because you aren't saying foobar doesn't mean that if you say bar, they will not figure out the rest.
  
• Does this post accurately portray my state of mind, such that I don't unreasonably frighten my loved ones?
  

There's probably other things that should be on that list. And this is as much for my own reference as for yours. YMMV.

I guess... sometimes we are so upset and fucked in the head that we can't think that clearly, or we don't have the willpower not to press submit. Having a lot of different filters has made that easier for me because selecting that friends group isn't that much harder. Obviously, not hurting anyone, not misleading anyone, etc. would be the ideal that we strive to, but few of us will reach it 100% of the time. We can try though.

Comments

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

People use their journals for many different reasons, and in many different ways. Your rules may work for you, but many people prefer, or even need, to vent to their journals without censoring their thoughts or worrying about "what people may think".

If one never posted anything that would hurt anyone's feelings, there'd be very little left to say. Some people's feelings are easily wounded, and I'm sure Mr. Schwarzenegger is quite hurt and upset by all the nasty things I and others have said aobut him lately.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Well, to restate...

IF you truly care about image, or not hurting the people in your life, then you will try to ask yourself the above questions I listed. And if you claim that you care about either of those things but COMPLETELY disregard those questions, then you are actively being a hypocrite.

There's a lot of grey area in between. Sometimes I'm too worked up and upset to make intelligent decisions about what I'm saying or how I filter it, and the same is true of others. Sometimes I'm in so much pain that the pain writing the post will relieve me of is so much more than the pain it will cause that it seems worthwhile. My point is that people should THINK about these things. And realize that there is, whether they like it or not, a direct connection between how they use their journal, and the happiness of their loved ones and often of themselves. What they do with that information... well, I might not approve of it, but it is their decision.

[cr0wgrrl.livejournal.com]

Questioner does have a point here.

The point can possibly be restated even clearer: There is, whether one likes it or not, a direct connection between how and what one communicates in a public forum, and the happiness/well-being of those friends and loved ones who are receiving those communications. Even shorter, the burden of understanding is on the part of the speaker, not the listener -- only the speaker knows what is intended.

If you're just writing to chronicle how you are feeling, not to tell the world how you are feeling, then there's no reason not to write a private-post; LiveJournal gives you the ability to make posts no one but you can read.

If you decide to write a public post, then on some level you *are* seeking to communicate this to those you know are reading it. It's a bit like opening your door and yelling out of it -- you will have to deal with the consequence that people can hear it. Yes, in LiveJournal you have to willfully check your friends list -- but there is a certain sense in, when you know people are listening, thinking about what you are saying and how you are saying it.

And if you just feel the need to state something publically, without concern for listeners, then the best option I've found is to get a second journal, someplace else, with a name that doesn't identify to you, and just post it there.

Yes, these are things I have considered, and my LiveJournal habits have changed significantly from when I started.

Personally, I think thornedillusion's (http://www.livejournal.com/users/unseelie/294115.html?thread=547555#t547555) explicit agreement that nothing posted in LiveJournal shall be taken as concrete without person-to-person discussion is really important.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Since many people already know me to have tendencies towards being a manners-nazi, I'm not going to worry about those parts of the discussion; that is up to the individual. It's their journal. I will indeed devioutly hope that hte individual exercises good manners and taste; if they don't, I'm not liable to keep reading it.

But I am also rather tired of people feeling that they must censor their throughts and feelings and hurt because they're afraid someone else will cause drama over it. I'm all for locks and groupings and trusted filiters, but if things are at the point where someone feels they need an anonymous journal to feel 'safe' in discussing their feelings - especially their pain - then something's bloody well wrong. And I say this as someone who formerly owned an anonymous journal for precisely those reasons, and has watched too many people of late swallow their pain because they didn't want to inflict it on others or because they feared nobody would listen, or worse, they'd be vilified for it.

[cr0wgrrl.livejournal.com]

As someone who is frequently guilty of the not-posting-because-I-don't-want-to-inflict-my-turmoil-on-anyone-else, I fully understand where you're coming from, too. However, I still believe there is a world of difference between (feeling safe enough to post your feelings) and (taking a few minutes to think about how to express what you are feeling). One in no way precludes the other; it's not an either-or scale.

It's not about nobody listening. It's about clear communication, even if the clear communication simply comes in the form of a one-liner "I'm really upset right now, this is how I am feeling, rational thoughts to come later, don't take this personally." Because context is important, and if it's not given, well, the cycle of pain just keeps continuing.

I don't think you need to run down the entire checklist that Questioner posted by any means -- but taking a minute to walk away and think whether the context is what you want it to be is usually a good idea. What good is being heard if improper framing means you're also completely misheard? That sort of thing is often crucial for non-face-to-face communication, where you can't get the nuances of tone and body language.

Exaggerated example to illustrate the point: In a moment of sardonic cynicism at the country's growing fascist tendencies, you can express your rage by posting "It's a good thing that I love Hitler!" But if you don't frame it, if people don't know what or why is behind the sentence... well, the potential for serious misunderstandings abounds. No, you don't have to explain what you meant, but a minute of thought before hitting the "post" button can give you just that much clearer hed to make sure that people focus on the actual content ("I am angry and disillusioned") rather than on the expression of the content ("I love Hitler").

[leggylady.livejournal.com]

Everyone here has made some very valid points and this is something I have often struggled with in my own LJ world.
Some examples/ quotes from my own experience if I may....

- in one post, that I have deleted, I went off on how upset I was in key elements in my relationship, stated that I was going to post about said frustrations, and laid down a bunch of ground rules. Feyandstrange, you yourself suggested that I may want to filter such posts as "I'm just venting" or as "I really need help here", or something to that effect, I don't remember your exact words. You thought this important so that I don't worry those that care about me.

Upon reflection, I decided that such postings may not be such a good idea, so I posted this (quoted from locked entry), " I'm a huge dork. I was out of line earlier. Using this forum to vent frustrations about certain key somebodies in my life is totally uncool. Ground rules or not. I would be totally mortified if the same was done about me. Do unto others and all that. Major issues on such natures will not be posted here. I do however REALLY appreciate the support I received. *original post deleted*

Since then, I have realized that some filtering is ok when I really need to get stuff off my chest, including my girl talk community. However, I really don't think it's ok to vent about Murias openly to the world. I would be horrified if he did the same. Only closer friends need to know such things.


-When venting about someone publicly, I try to keep identities secret. However, that can sometimes cause confusion, too. Like this post demonstrates. I got so many panicked emails from people thinking they pissed me off. The follow-up even has me stating in the comments that " ... I do feel if what you write is possibly going to cause an unnecessary panic or misunderstood hurt feelings that a disclaimer is helpful. " This also comes into play when someone writes a post that could be construed as a suicide note- there have been too many incidents like this happening lately and someone has the nerve to get pissed off when loving friends bolt to their house to intervene. A simple disclaimer that this is just a feeling and will not be acted upon is very helpful.

When it comes to issues in my own head, I try to carefully put "heavier" subjects behind a LJ cut so only those that want to read such things can choose to click. Those that choose to read such things and then openly flame me or send me nasty emails will really piss me off, resulting in a post such as this (quoted from a locked entry)-"This is just a gentle reminder-
Even though I try to provide fun & fluff to entertain the masses, this is a JOURNAL. *MY* journal. If you are on my friends list (and if you are reading this, you are), you will get an intimate peek at my inner workings. A lot of it is raw "working through stuff in my head" type stuff. You may not like or agree with everything you may see. You may discover parts of my personality that you are not fond of. But this is me, take it or leave it. If you ask an honest question, expect an honest answer. On rare occasions I may decline to answer. Either way, I REFUSE to tailor answers to what somewhat wants to hear.

Furthermore, because one purpose of a journal is to work through issues, thoughts, and feelings, I'm going to continue to do so. You have the choice of whether or not you want to read it. I do try to use lj-cuts on the "heavier" posts- please don't click if the topics I cover in these posts bother you.

Thank you and have a nice day.
End of discussion."



So, I guess the moral of this long post, is that while I don't want to feel censored, and feel it is *MY* journal in order to prevent further drama; disclaimers, filters and lj cuts are very necessary. Also, sometime I will mark an entry as private, calm down/sleep on it, and if I'm still happy with the post, I'll then code it for public or filtered viewing.

[echan.livejournal.com]

An alternative to filters, locks, etc, is to just be quite vague about everything. I do it because I don't like sharing some of the more specific details of my life with everyone. People who know what's going on can follow what I'm saying, and people who don't know can still sympathize. It saves me the trouble of remembering who can read what in my journal, since it's all public.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Actually, being vague in my journal has, in the past, led to even more drama than being direct, because people decide you are talking about them and get upset and jump to conclusions. On the other hand, it depends on how vague you are being. I've known people who I was fairly close to, and I STILL had no idea what they were talking about in their journals. They are to be congratulated, I guess. :)