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On loyalty, honesty, and friendship
Sep. 28th, 2006 10:43 amI have a theory of ethical friendship. Let's say I have a friend named Alice.
1. Base your opinions of Alice on your own interactions and observations of Alice
2. When other people describe their experiences with Alice, take those experiences with a huge grain of salt, and try to get Alice's side of the story. Then, based on your knowledge of those other people, your knowledge of Alice, and what they each say when you talk to them about what happened, form your own opinion of what really happened. Sometimes this will coincide with one or another person's perceptions, but that does NOT mean that anyone is taking sides.
3. NEVER TAKE SIDES. Traditional loyalty is bullshit. True friendship is giving a friend a chance to have their say, and to withhold judgement until they have done so. You are NEVER being a friend to someone by assuming that they are right because they are your friend.
4. NEVER TAKE WHAT SOMEONE SAYS AS A FACT. They may not be lying, but they may not have the whole picture of what was going on, they may be subconsciously shading the truth, etc. This is part of being human. It doesn't make them a bad person. You can never get the whole context, but if you listen to BOTH people you can come as close as possible. Listen between the lines based on what you know about Alice, and draw your own conclusions.
5. When other people have a theory about the psychology of Alice, listen to it with interest, and then make your own observations. Compare the theory to your own experiences with Alice, and adopt that theory only if it stands up against your own observations.
6. Above all, be honest and proactively, promptly communicative. If you think Alice has a tendency to pursue people who are bad for her in certain ways, TELL her that. Tell her that you will love her even if she disagrees with you, but that you felt she had a right to know that this was what you were thinking about her.
7. If your theory about Alice that you told her about is proven wrong, admit that you were wrong, and apologize to her.
8. If Alice's theory about YOU is proven RIGHT, admit that you made mistakes and should have listened to Alice, and try to learn from the experience.
Historically, I have often failed in the category of questioning other people's 'facts' and theories, and going and getting the other side of the story promptly (points 3, 4 and 6). In general, I have a history of subconsciously identifying with the people with whom I'm spending
the most time, and of building up resentment against Alice, and of taking a long time to sit down with Alice to "clear the air."
So, I'm sorry I suck at these things, if it has or ever does impact you. I'm trying to Do Right. I'm trying to Do Good. Bear with me.
1. Base your opinions of Alice on your own interactions and observations of Alice
2. When other people describe their experiences with Alice, take those experiences with a huge grain of salt, and try to get Alice's side of the story. Then, based on your knowledge of those other people, your knowledge of Alice, and what they each say when you talk to them about what happened, form your own opinion of what really happened. Sometimes this will coincide with one or another person's perceptions, but that does NOT mean that anyone is taking sides.
3. NEVER TAKE SIDES. Traditional loyalty is bullshit. True friendship is giving a friend a chance to have their say, and to withhold judgement until they have done so. You are NEVER being a friend to someone by assuming that they are right because they are your friend.
4. NEVER TAKE WHAT SOMEONE SAYS AS A FACT. They may not be lying, but they may not have the whole picture of what was going on, they may be subconsciously shading the truth, etc. This is part of being human. It doesn't make them a bad person. You can never get the whole context, but if you listen to BOTH people you can come as close as possible. Listen between the lines based on what you know about Alice, and draw your own conclusions.
5. When other people have a theory about the psychology of Alice, listen to it with interest, and then make your own observations. Compare the theory to your own experiences with Alice, and adopt that theory only if it stands up against your own observations.
6. Above all, be honest and proactively, promptly communicative. If you think Alice has a tendency to pursue people who are bad for her in certain ways, TELL her that. Tell her that you will love her even if she disagrees with you, but that you felt she had a right to know that this was what you were thinking about her.
7. If your theory about Alice that you told her about is proven wrong, admit that you were wrong, and apologize to her.
8. If Alice's theory about YOU is proven RIGHT, admit that you made mistakes and should have listened to Alice, and try to learn from the experience.
Historically, I have often failed in the category of questioning other people's 'facts' and theories, and going and getting the other side of the story promptly (points 3, 4 and 6). In general, I have a history of subconsciously identifying with the people with whom I'm spending
the most time, and of building up resentment against Alice, and of taking a long time to sit down with Alice to "clear the air."
So, I'm sorry I suck at these things, if it has or ever does impact you. I'm trying to Do Right. I'm trying to Do Good. Bear with me.
