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Watching Frodo and Sam climb Mount Doom reminded me of some philosophical thoughts which I don't THINK I ever got around to writing up here. As per recent conversations with some friends, yes, this probably isn't original. But it's what's been on my mind, so deal. ;)
When I was a figure skater, I was very determined. Sometimes I'd scare my mother; I'd keep on trying a jump and trying it and falling in the same way. My knee would be swollen at least an inch outwards because I kept on bruising the same location. To achieve success, I needed a certain fearlessness, a disregard for past failures. And, there was precedent, after all. Although I had not yet achieved all of my goals, the achievements of a free skater are a series of steps. There are five basic jumps, you see. And each jump can be a half rotation, single, a double, a triple, a quad. I had mastered each jump as half, single, and double (except the double axel, which was always on again off again for me). My determination had paid off with them, and now with the triples, it was only a matter of time. Or so I told myself. Of course, my body was deteriorating fast; towards the end I wasn't out of physical therapy more than a few weeks before some new injury would pop up.
Even then, even in my preteens, in spite of my repeated desperate attempts at jumps, I knew that sheer force of will was not the answer. It's not enough to want it. It's not enough to try hard. You have to try right. You have to try smart.
In point of fact, throwing yourself into a figure skating jump is both dangerous and foolish. A well-executed jump is a thing of precision, and flaws in your position and in your take-off are only magnified when you begin to work on triples. The instability in your rotations sort of snowballs throughout rotation, so the longer you're rotating, the more noticeable every single mistake you make becomes. When people throw themselves into a jump, they start to swing their body instead of placing it where it needs to be. It throws them off balance. In fact, it wastes their time. A jump that is landed on sheer force of will is not a reliable addition to the competitive arsenal. Moreover, it is an inefficient way to do the jump. It expends a great deal of energy, when it works at all. Skating is, in competition, a test of stamina. It is counterproductive to expend more energy than necessary, especially if it detracts from your ability to do more jumps later on in the program.
In spite of that, at times I would still give in and throw myself into the jump. In spite of knowing that finesse, and not brute strength, was the answer, I behaved as though I believed that if I tried hard enough, the universe would surely bend to my will.
Well, that wasn't true then, and it isn't true now.
There are many factors at play in my life. Definitely a hormonal imbalance and an insulin problem that leads to hypoglycemia when I eat improperly, all of which contribute to mood disorder. And perhaps there is an additional neurochemical imbalance beyond all that -- it's hard to say.
There are cognitive problems as well. New, counterproductive programming from all the crappy things that have happened to me. But there's more. As things have gone wrong in the last 6 years and more, I've thrown myself at the problems. I've tried to impose my will on them. I've tried to achieve my goals by wanting. The universe does not care how intensely I want things, however. And in fact, in throwing myself at the problems I face, I often miss the elegant solution which might have yielded results. Moreover, I get so worked up that I become too caught up in the 'wanting' to be able to cope with the 'doing.' As each subsequent attempt to change the universe fails, I become more and more desperate, more emotional about it all, and more prone to dumbly throwing myself at the problems I face.
This has to change. I have to learn to experience determination and not have it turn to panic and anxiety. I have to learn to take determination and channel it not into a battering ram, but into a lock pick.
I've been doing really well the last week. Tonight I took my 30th Effexor pill, marking the point at which the medication is supposedly taking full effect. I'm still tending towards anxiety and panic more than I'd like, to be sure, but it seems more manageable. I'm more cheerful; I see more value and point in life. It may be the Effexor, or it may be the recent successes I have had in my life. I don't particularly care, as long as it continues. Now to use this calm to find elegant solutions to my problems...
Also? Eowyn kicks ass. Aragorn, you're a fool for letting her go in favour of that pansy assed elf chick.
When I was a figure skater, I was very determined. Sometimes I'd scare my mother; I'd keep on trying a jump and trying it and falling in the same way. My knee would be swollen at least an inch outwards because I kept on bruising the same location. To achieve success, I needed a certain fearlessness, a disregard for past failures. And, there was precedent, after all. Although I had not yet achieved all of my goals, the achievements of a free skater are a series of steps. There are five basic jumps, you see. And each jump can be a half rotation, single, a double, a triple, a quad. I had mastered each jump as half, single, and double (except the double axel, which was always on again off again for me). My determination had paid off with them, and now with the triples, it was only a matter of time. Or so I told myself. Of course, my body was deteriorating fast; towards the end I wasn't out of physical therapy more than a few weeks before some new injury would pop up.
Even then, even in my preteens, in spite of my repeated desperate attempts at jumps, I knew that sheer force of will was not the answer. It's not enough to want it. It's not enough to try hard. You have to try right. You have to try smart.
In point of fact, throwing yourself into a figure skating jump is both dangerous and foolish. A well-executed jump is a thing of precision, and flaws in your position and in your take-off are only magnified when you begin to work on triples. The instability in your rotations sort of snowballs throughout rotation, so the longer you're rotating, the more noticeable every single mistake you make becomes. When people throw themselves into a jump, they start to swing their body instead of placing it where it needs to be. It throws them off balance. In fact, it wastes their time. A jump that is landed on sheer force of will is not a reliable addition to the competitive arsenal. Moreover, it is an inefficient way to do the jump. It expends a great deal of energy, when it works at all. Skating is, in competition, a test of stamina. It is counterproductive to expend more energy than necessary, especially if it detracts from your ability to do more jumps later on in the program.
In spite of that, at times I would still give in and throw myself into the jump. In spite of knowing that finesse, and not brute strength, was the answer, I behaved as though I believed that if I tried hard enough, the universe would surely bend to my will.
Well, that wasn't true then, and it isn't true now.
There are many factors at play in my life. Definitely a hormonal imbalance and an insulin problem that leads to hypoglycemia when I eat improperly, all of which contribute to mood disorder. And perhaps there is an additional neurochemical imbalance beyond all that -- it's hard to say.
There are cognitive problems as well. New, counterproductive programming from all the crappy things that have happened to me. But there's more. As things have gone wrong in the last 6 years and more, I've thrown myself at the problems. I've tried to impose my will on them. I've tried to achieve my goals by wanting. The universe does not care how intensely I want things, however. And in fact, in throwing myself at the problems I face, I often miss the elegant solution which might have yielded results. Moreover, I get so worked up that I become too caught up in the 'wanting' to be able to cope with the 'doing.' As each subsequent attempt to change the universe fails, I become more and more desperate, more emotional about it all, and more prone to dumbly throwing myself at the problems I face.
This has to change. I have to learn to experience determination and not have it turn to panic and anxiety. I have to learn to take determination and channel it not into a battering ram, but into a lock pick.
I've been doing really well the last week. Tonight I took my 30th Effexor pill, marking the point at which the medication is supposedly taking full effect. I'm still tending towards anxiety and panic more than I'd like, to be sure, but it seems more manageable. I'm more cheerful; I see more value and point in life. It may be the Effexor, or it may be the recent successes I have had in my life. I don't particularly care, as long as it continues. Now to use this calm to find elegant solutions to my problems...
Also? Eowyn kicks ass. Aragorn, you're a fool for letting her go in favour of that pansy assed elf chick.
