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lyadann said today something I can't quote reliably, but it got me thinking. I tend to feel best if my SOs are in relationships with people I also love in some way, or at least respect enough to love potentially. She said that for her this led to the conclusion that she wanted to either be monogamous or in a poly family. And I realized that the same thoughts have some value for me.
The issues I have with people I date having relationships with people I disrespect or don't love would go away if:
(1) I had a poly family where official relationships could not be had outside of the family, or at least, in which any relationship outside of the family had to be secondary to the family. (but wouldn't that just have the same problems as hierarchical poly? I don't think keeping the secondary bit in there would solve this *particular* problem)(casual sex outside of the family might be ok, however)
(2) I only dated people who were selective in similar ways to me.
(3) I were monogamous.
(1) would still have the problem that I'm not sure I will ever feel comfortable telling someone that they can't pursue their feelings for someone, and I'm not sure in the long term how I'd feel about being told that by someone else. I can imagine it being worthwhile, especially in a child bearing relationship...
(2) is theoretically do-able but would require me to be very perceptive about the people I dated.
(3) would have big problems because I'm just NOT monogamous. I DO love many people. I would get claustrophobic.
I think that someday (1) might be suitable for me, but right now the best solution is option (2). I'm currently officially with 2 people who in my opinion are not particularly selective, or often haven't been, about who they pursue or love. Each of them has either loved or had relationships with people I weren't comfortable with. I'm not sure what my status is with Unseelie, even if I know what my feelings for him are, and can't really make any statements about him in this context.
Hmmm.... *wonders where this leaves her*
The issues I have with people I date having relationships with people I disrespect or don't love would go away if:
(1) I had a poly family where official relationships could not be had outside of the family, or at least, in which any relationship outside of the family had to be secondary to the family. (but wouldn't that just have the same problems as hierarchical poly? I don't think keeping the secondary bit in there would solve this *particular* problem)(casual sex outside of the family might be ok, however)
(2) I only dated people who were selective in similar ways to me.
(3) I were monogamous.
(1) would still have the problem that I'm not sure I will ever feel comfortable telling someone that they can't pursue their feelings for someone, and I'm not sure in the long term how I'd feel about being told that by someone else. I can imagine it being worthwhile, especially in a child bearing relationship...
(2) is theoretically do-able but would require me to be very perceptive about the people I dated.
(3) would have big problems because I'm just NOT monogamous. I DO love many people. I would get claustrophobic.
I think that someday (1) might be suitable for me, but right now the best solution is option (2). I'm currently officially with 2 people who in my opinion are not particularly selective, or often haven't been, about who they pursue or love. Each of them has either loved or had relationships with people I weren't comfortable with. I'm not sure what my status is with Unseelie, even if I know what my feelings for him are, and can't really make any statements about him in this context.
Hmmm.... *wonders where this leaves her*
