More musings on poly---REVISED (worth rereading)

[danaeris]

lyadann said today something I can't quote reliably, but it got me thinking. I tend to feel best if my SOs are in relationships with people I also love in some way, or at least respect enough to love potentially. She said that for her this led to the conclusion that she wanted to either be monogamous or in a poly family. And I realized that the same thoughts have some value for me.
The issues I have with people I date having relationships with people I disrespect or don't love would go away if:
(1) I had a poly family where official relationships could not be had outside of the family, or at least, in which any relationship outside of the family had to be secondary to the family. (but wouldn't that just have the same problems as hierarchical poly? I don't think keeping the secondary bit in there would solve this *particular* problem)(casual sex outside of the family might be ok, however)
(2) I only dated people who were selective in similar ways to me.
(3) I were monogamous.


(1) would still have the problem that I'm not sure I will ever feel comfortable telling someone that they can't pursue their feelings for someone, and I'm not sure in the long term how I'd feel about being told that by someone else. I can imagine it being worthwhile, especially in a child bearing relationship...
(2) is theoretically do-able but would require me to be very perceptive about the people I dated.
(3) would have big problems because I'm just NOT monogamous. I DO love many people. I would get claustrophobic.

I think that someday (1) might be suitable for me, but right now the best solution is option (2). I'm currently officially with 2 people who in my opinion are not particularly selective, or often haven't been, about who they pursue or love. Each of them has either loved or had relationships with people I weren't comfortable with. I'm not sure what my status is with Unseelie, even if I know what my feelings for him are, and can't really make any statements about him in this context.

Hmmm.... *wonders where this leaves her*

Comments

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

*wonders where this leaves her*

Developing your perceptiveness, I guess.

May I ask why people your SOs have dated have made you uncomfortable? Having been on both sides of that, I think the reasons for the discomfort are important.

A.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Well, there have been problems in this area on two levels.
(1) If an SO chooses another SO that is nothing like me, or differs from me in a way that I consider essential to our relationship, it bothers me. This actually happened in the case of lariel, except arcticelf told me to talk to her and in so doing I discovered that I was wrong, and that she did have that same trait, a trait we all had in common. There are other people, however, who arcticelf would happily be involved with romantically, and some of those choices bother me, mostly because I don't believe that they are enough like us to be appropriate choices. He tends to love lots of people, and furthermore be willing to date anyone he loves. Some of these people, while good friends, don't have any of the right qualifications to date him, like being poly (or even understanding poly! some of his acquaintances, though hopefully not the ones he'd date, seem to disrespect him for being poly!), or queer/kink friendly.
Love is a way we try to become closer to each other. We try to understand each other. When someone I love loves someone I don't feel I have much in common with, or lack important common things with, I tend to feel like I must have misunderstood my SO, and that it does the opposite of love's goal. It weakens the connection I feel to my SO.
(2) When SOs date someone I don't respect, I have two objections. The first is practical---sometimes those I lack respect for have issues or something that cause that lack of respect, and those issues will negatively impact my relationship with my SO via a domino effect. The second is similar to the above issues---if an SO takes on a new SO in an equal position to me who I don't respect, it makes me feel insulted. How could (s)he bestow that love, which I consider sacred, on someone who, albeit may have potential, just has not reached his or her potential yet? I feel this diminishes our love. I find it hurtful.

I've still never told an SO that he or she couldn't date someone. I always express my feelings, and let him or her go ahead with the relationship as she or he pleases. But this has caused me angst in the past. Sometimes these things still cause me angst. I can take the angst, but perhaps in the future of SO selection, it is something I ought to take into consideration, just like I've realized that I need to date people who are reasonably social, kinky, libidinous (slutty?), and (not sure about this one's importance yet) spiritual.