PSA, because I'm sick of the accusations

[danaeris]

Once upon a time, Danae was starting to get involved with a new boy.

Things went very wrong.

He did some things that were dumb, and clueless. From her point of view, her experience was exactly like that of someone who had been raped.

He is not a rapist. I've never accused him of being that.

He is a clueless fuckup, or at least, he was. He may have changed, but from what I hear, he hasn't.

I did everything I could to protect his reputation -- I created a filter made up of people who already knew what had happened, or who were across the continent and would likely never meet him, and only discussed what had happened there, so that no one else would know that he had done something that left me feeling raped. I stopped going to social events he went to, with a few minor exceptions; people knew that something bad had happened between us, but except for the people on that filter, no one that he did not tell knew what had actually happened.

That was THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO.

When I visited SF, I found out that he has not extended the same courtesy about telling his side of the story. There are people who know me who NEVER heard my side of the story, who have decided I'm a horrible person.

How DARE I admit that I was traumatized? How dare I acknowledge to my friends and community that I was having trouble making it by? How dare I be honest about my experience. Never mind that three years later, I get triggered during sex sometimes. Three years later, I've stopped subbing because I can't handle it. Three years later I have trouble being sexual at all half the time.

I'm unlocking those posts to just my friends list, although you'll have to find them yourself if you want to read them. I'm tired of his fucking victimhood. I'm tired of his side of the story reigning. Perhaps if he has a history of being "wrongfully" accused of rape, perhaps if this has happened to him twice, that doesn't make more of a beast for acknowledging my experience. Perhaps that means that he should look inward and question his perceptions of reality.

Comments

[caprinus.livejournal.com]

Ouch... sorry to hear that. It would probably matter less if he was besmirching you in Poughkeepsie, but SF? (And that's just the obvious insult added to the underlying injury of whatever it is that happened)

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well. It hurts even more that people who knew me are so willing to buy into the idea that I'm the big evil bad.

[tshuma]

If it helps at all (if anything can at this point), I wasn't close to either of you back when that happened, but I've since become somewhat close to him (and at least acquainted with you),...and he's said very little about the topic (of which I was already made aware in a very nebulous way because of co-hosting DHP's and understanding social dynamics there), and the only references he's made to you since then have been thoughtful expressions of a general wish things could have gone better for both of you. So whatever damage was done appears to have happened in the past, when he was reacting strongly to the situation, and he doesn't seem to be perpetuating it across new friends and acquaintances.

Also, the very few times it's come up in groups I've been around, it's been left at "there was miscommunication and trauma, and it's sad all round". There's been no "Dana is evil and bad".

Small comfort, I know, but I hope of some comfort.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

*nods* that is helpful.

I will probably email the person who, last I checked, was still spreading a rather warped version of the story, and invite hir to read my own account of what happened. When you come down to it, E is not responsible for the actions of others, and it may be that he isn't telling stories any more at all.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I'd say a similar thing, except that I just assume I'm generally out of the loop when it comes to this type of information. But I've heard nearly nothing, ever since.

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

You are an ethical person. You have taken the high road and look what it has got you. I do not support or condemn your actions they are what they are and if that helps you get justice/closure/sympathy/antipathy whatever it's what you gotta do.

These things aren't fair and you tried to treat the situation like "a bad thing happened in our congress and although it isn't anyone's direct malice or fault here's why it produced this reaction in me and you should know and be careful". There were no bad guys. Except he didn't play the same game. Maybe he lost his copy of his "3.0 Consideration handbook".

[(Anonymous)]

B&D and S&M is bad for you. Just stop it.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Hi! How are you?

I was wondering if you have access to any studies that show that BDSM are bad for you.

The only research study of which I am aware found that on average, folks who participate in BDSM are slightly healthier mentally/emotionally than the general population.

Can you support your statement?

[dicedork.livejournal.com]

Not that I would agree agree (not really knowing you), or even particularly take craven anonymous pot-shots like this in any way seriously, but maybe the person meant you in particular, not a royal "you."

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

That's possible, but I doubt it.

Possible in both ways, and doubted in both ways, that is. :)

(i.e. that that is what zie meant, and that it is actually the case that BDSM is bad for ME)

[earthdragon.livejournal.com]

Have you seen this from Australia?
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/kinky-you-cant-beat-it/2007/04/16/1176696736407.html

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Oh, awesome! Yeah, the study I was referring to hasn't actually been published yet, but preliminary results have been presented at two different conferences I've been at.

Wow, this ended up being a long comment

[miss-mimsy.livejournal.com]

I am sorry that rumors and gossip have abounded. From personal experience, I know that they tend to do so. (I am still the "psycho-ex".)

I can only say that the way you have your interpretation of the events and what the repercussions afterward, I am sure the boy has his.

I think that unfiltering those posts for those who want to know (or want to drama hunt) is a good way of handling it. You aren't trumpeting "I am right, he is wrong" you are just making your side of the story available. I should say I am biased in this, after my first marriage ended, I tended to be pretty quiet about what happened, so a lot of people blamed me for ruining it. It was years before I told "my side of the story" and I found my friends didn't really care and the people who thought little of me didn't change their opinion. This ended up causing a lot of drama later on and it hurt a lot of people, since my first husband and I never "resolved" our problems, since I just tried to be "fair" and not air my dirty laundry.

Regarding BDSM, it is a shame that the anonymous commenter felt the need to give you advice and yet was unable to offer evidence. If s/he meant that you, personally, should abstain from practicing BDSM, I would want to know what they based their criteria on, was it personal experience or just reading your LJ? If s/he judged that BDSM is bad for people as a whole, I would want to see the research.

Personally, I don't think that the BDSM was the problem. I believe I know the story having witnessed some of it and heard accounts from multiple people and my assessment is that there was a lack of communication. I have seen you working on your communication skills and that is just what you share in this journal. I don't think what happened three years ago would happen now. I think BDSM is a personal choice and is between you and your partner(s) and not the purview of a commenter who was unwilling to back up their statement. It wasn't constructive, it was hurtful and mean.

It seems to me that the one problem in this whole scenario is that when you left the SF area, you were frozen in time for many people the Danae who left is the same one people still think of and who they may have thought was visiting a few months ago. While we rationally know that you have been growing and changing, LJ isn't the same as interacting with you.

The boy, whom many of us see socially, has changed and so we all see that. I also think locality might be part of the reason his "side" is more well known out here than yours. You aren't here for people to ask and he is. As humans experience the growth and change in others, they discuss the painful subjects and thus a "side" of the story is exposed.

I can't speak for anyone else and maybe my theories above are bullshit. I can say this. When I think of you in my heart, I remember you just before you left. Rationally I know that you have changed, but because I was unable to see you when you visited (and man do I feel like a chump for not making/having the time to see you) my brain hasn't embraced that reality.

Regardless, even though I didn't see you when you visited last, I still consider you a friend and I look forward to embracing your changes. I don't care what happened three years ago except for how it affected you. I would be surprised if there aren't a number of people in the SF area who feel similar to me.

Re: Wow, this ended up being a long comment

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your long and thoughtful comment.

Honestly, the only thing I could have done differently DURING the incident is to have had the presence of mind and willpower to say no. The ability to rise above my submissive nature and assert my needs.

Afterwards... perhaps I could have handled the fallout differently. I'm sure I could have. I can't point out specific mistakes I made, but I don't doubt that I made them.

Yes, you have unique experiences of your own that probably give you a lot of perspective about sharing or not sharing your side of the story, and the pros and cons. I'm not sure I could have done it differently, though. I really didn't want to ruin his reputation.

As for the boy changing... I can't comment. I've spoken to people who have recounted some of the things he's done since I left, included passive aggressive calls for attention via fake suicide threats, and stalking an ex of his. That strikes me as more of the same old crap. But I don't know any of this first hand, so I take it with a grain of salt. *shrug*

[kinvore.livejournal.com]

Yikes. Sounds like he's a world class jerk.

[wiseacre.livejournal.com]

I am perplexed. If someone one is intimate with said they had any kind of impression of the experience--good/bad/mediocre/scary/boring--how can one argue otherwise? If you felt the way you felt, there is no arguing against that. At best he could say "I didn't think it was like that, I didn't get that vibe" or something. That would, presumably, be followed by "I'm sorry she felt that way, I didn't mean for that to happen."

[wiseacre.livejournal.com]

To clarify, my comment, I just don't see how any can say anyone else's feelings are incorrect. If anyone I was intimate with said they felt like that, I would be horrified and apologetic. I'd feel like a real shit. Anyone who doesn't actually is a real shit.

[polywolf.livejournal.com]

I think my friend that you have hit the nail on the head.

Everyone is different thus everyone experiences things differently, one person could be totally fine with something and the other person forever scared.

When you do something bad to someone you apologize and try to make amends, you don't gather others around you to defend your side, you admit to the other person that you did something wrong and try to help them through it.

[angel-thane.livejournal.com]

Sometimes telling others what happened is a good, a needed thing. Othertimes, discretion plays the better role - both in terms of social graces and in picking your fights. We each need to determine what the best thing for us to do in a situation is. We need to base our actions on what we think is right, not on what other people are doing.

Three years ago, you decided that discretion was the best course of action in this situation. Other than finding out that he wasn't as discreet, has anything changed?

I don't know the guy, and obviously, I'm going to support you in any decision you make. But are you sure that your unlocking the posts is serving any purpose other than an attempt to punish him for him not being discreet?

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Well, I personally found it enlightening, so I'd say it did serve a purpose.