The quiet ones == Roger

[danaeris]

Many of you have heard me say that the "quiet" ones make me nervous -- because I cannot get a sense of what they are thinking in response to what they say.

I saw this man vs. woman joke ages ago. I don't like the gender implications here, but I do strongly identify with Elaine. When dealing with someone who tends towards silence, I often go into the special place, overanalyzing according to my fears, much like Elaine.

[Poll #968460]

My therapist wants me to imagine that, whenever I'm dealing with someone who is relatively quiet, I should imagine that he or she is Roger: thinking about things totally unrelated to my own fears.

It's an interesting idea; I'll have to give it a try.

Comments

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

I don't really identify with either; I wouldn't sit there agonizing, I'd ask what he was thinking.

I tend towards the perspective that most people are just getting along, not really thinking too hard about anything in particular, and that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the person whose opinion I'm so worried about isn't actually thinking about me at all. The people who are thinking about me, I'm probably not worried about. It's a very comfortable perspective.

[dragon-spirit.livejournal.com]

You tend to be very open in terms of your thought processes, and you analyze everything to pieces. That's just how you function. There's never an insult or open-ended answer or anything else unexpected and unsatisfactory that enters your ears that you don't try to break down and understand every nuance of. That's how you learn about the world and the people in it, and how you carefully plan the ways in which you interact with people.

But sometimes you just gotta say fuckit.

This hyper-analysis and constant vigilance seems to be tied into your depression. If some interaction doesn't go the way you thought it would, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or with the other person. Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to the differences between us human beasts. And honestly, if everyone thought and behaved exactly the way you thought they would, how boring would life be?

Here's a mantra that's kept me going for a long, long time: "Shit happens. End of story."

This is an unpredictable, and thus sometimes scary world, and you can't control it. Maybe that's why you find yourself scrabbling at the edges of a situation, trying to get a hold on it. When you can't accept that it's out of your hands, you torture yourself for not reaching the goal of fixing it. But not everything - not even everything that's broken - needs to be fixed.

I have an assignment for you, should you choose to accept it. Go find somewhere beautiful, and try to really notice it. I know it's a tall order, but try to turn off that constant dialog in your head, and stop and smell the roses. You've got to give yourself a break sometimes. Really, the roses are beautiful and they smell so lovely. It's the first step on the road to quiet acceptance and serenity. Who knows? Once you discover the value of silence and really listening to the world around you when there's no one around to talk, you may find you fear quietude much less.

*hugs* I miss you, dear.

[kajmal.livejournal.com]

Hey now.. I'm kinda quiet, and you delt pretty well with me! :-D

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I identify with 'em both up until Elaine breaks the silence; after that I don't identify with either of 'em, because I'd actually ask what was up.

[badoingdoing.livejournal.com]

Yes! Communication is so important!

Neither

[iceblink.livejournal.com]

If something is actually bothering me, I speak up. If nothing is bothering me, I have nothing to say.

I am very patient and figure people will tell me what they want me to hear, when they want me to hear it.

I used to be preoccupied with what others might be thinking about me. Then I realized, hey, I wasn't thinking that crap about them. So I let it go.

Now if I am hurt or worried, I just express it.

[garden_hoe21]

That worries me. I hope I never made you feel that way! I know I'm one of the quiet people, and I know that unnerves others sometimes. But if I don't have something to say, I don't want to fill the air with meaningless sound waves, y'know?

[kallisti.livejournal.com]

Well, being a shy, intelligent type, with ADD, I tend to miss many social cues. In many ways, I've found this frustrating, and being shy, I tend not to ask questions. But at least I know that I have ADD now, and can see about coping strategies. Or at very least, letting people know I have ADD, and thus miss many social cues. I'm not insensitive, I just sort of clueless at times. :-)

ttyl

[avt-tor.livejournal.com]

I am so Roger. Maybe we should go to a movie sometime. (Heh.)

[earthdragon.livejournal.com]

If you are the Roger type (*waves*) you need to at least be honest enough to go "Huh" instead of "...yes..."

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a little of column A sometime a little of column B just catch me on a weird day of the week and I'm Roger. Otherwise I'd say I'm usually Elaine most of the time.

[polywolf.livejournal.com]

I would have to say a little of both.

Sometimes I'm the ones wondering what other are thinking, sometimes I'm the one with my head in the clouds.

This is why I love it when you ask me what I'm thinking, it makes me either focus on what has been said or just realize that my mind is not on what is going on. It's also why I have really loved being open and honest with you and rbowspryte, it has actually made me say whats going on in my mind without fear.

[yaksman.livejournal.com]

I tend to identify more with Roger.

I try to be clear and direct in my communication, but there have certainly been times when people (usually women I'm dating) have surprised me with sets of assumptions and expectations that I didn't know about.

From my older and ...well... "less dumb than I used to be" perspective, I can clearly see Roger's mistake, but I know I've done the same. These days I'm much more likely to ask what's going on if I trip over that sort of situation.

[maeve-sp.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I identify with Elaine. BUT, I would ask what he was thinking. And I'd stop the trail of thought WAY before it got to tears. I'm also clear that whenever I'm obsessing it's because I want to, that there's no need to. Though, I must admit, sometimes I can't help it. But if I'm obsessing in a partner's company I do always tell them.

[bluedaisy.livejournal.com]

The early part of Roger's conversation sounds like me, since I am extremely distractable. However, I also tend to *flip* if I think someone whose opinion I value might be displeased with me.