Dating through personals

[danaeris]

So, I've decided that in spite of my tendency towards discomfort with this medium, it's time for me to try something new: meeting people through personals such as PMM and OKC.

For those of you who have done this, what advice can you offer me, other than the obvious "meet in public, make sure that someone knows where you are, make sure your date knows that someone knows who you're with/where you are"?

Some things I'm confused about:
-how do you decide who to message? Ie. how picky are you, and if you aren't very picky, how successful has that been for you?
-how long do you usually chat with someone before you meet in person?
-do you usually end up meeting all the people you contact, and if not, what fraction of the people you contact do you figure you end up meeting? (ie. very few, some, most, all)
-when you meet in person, how often do you quickly find that you aren't interested, and how awkward is that for you?

Comments

[epicureanangel.livejournal.com]

-how do you decide who to message? Ie. how picky are you, and if you aren't very picky, how successful has that been for you?
I was picky, and honest with myself about what I truly wanted. I didn't have time to waste.

-how long do you usually chat with someone before you meet in person?
Not long. I have discovered that the medium of email, and even the telephone, can easily mask the fact that you feel absolutely no attraction to the person in real life.

-do you usually end up meeting all the people you contact, and if not, what fraction of the people you contact do you figure you end up meeting? (ie. very few, some, most, all)
I only met people with whom I had good conversation with. Very few.

-when you meet in person, how often do you quickly find that you aren't interested, and how awkward is that for you?
Often found out quite quickly. Some people, we had great intellectual chemistry, but I just wasn't attracted. Some other guys, were pushy, which came unfortunately came across as attentiveness in email. Some used very outdated photos. I sat through the meal, had some good conversation, then never spoke to them again, or nicely said, "I don't think this will work."

Other advice:

The other thing to realise is that a lot of people you contact, might not respond. Don't take it personally if you're not what they're looking for. Move on, keep contacting other people... also, be picky among the people who respond to you.

Personals are just the medium for meeting... the dating and the relationship should still be done face-to-face.

Use a good, but accurate, photo.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

I've never had any success with the online dating sites. I've never had anyone approach me other than a guy because of an interest not for a relationship, and the only person I've made any sort of extended contact with was someone who, when we looked at our overlapping network of friends, felt just like me, "how the heck haven't we met yet?". Of course, we still haven't met -- generally because one or the other of us has been out of town for every opportunity.

Others may have or have had more luck. Maybe it's cause I'm a guy, or a bit older than most on the online dating sites, or too picky, or maybe I'm just bad at it. I dunno.

[darkestembrace.livejournal.com]

I've done a hell of a lot of online dating. We'll talk about one day soon. ;-)

[jadine.livejournal.com]

I have had brief discussions with a number of people from PMM and OKC specifically, and have had serious discussions that really looked like they were going somewhere with four people (that I can think of right now), three of whom I met in person. I have only initiated a few times. As an attractive woman, people will find you- but many of them will seem creepy.

Of my four serious prospects:
- One lived in another state. We had wonderful online exchanges for about a month, and then I flew down to meet him in person. (This was faster than I'd recommend when a plane ticket is involved, but I had time right then and didn't expect to later.) He decided he wasn't interested then, and it was probably the most awkward week of my life. (Under the same circumstances, I would still choose to fly down, but that's just me.)
- #2 also lived in another state. We talked a lot on IM, and then discovered we were sexually incompatible due to his unusually limited tastes.
- #3 lives here. We talked online for about 10 days, and then met in person. We had a lovely relationship, no different than my relationships with people I met at parties, through mutual friends, etc.
- #4 lives here. We also talked online for about 10 days and then met in person- just a couple weeks ago. We're developing a good friendship that may turn into more someday.

Really, I prefer to find people on PMM or OKC and then friend them on LJ. Reading each other's journals is a great low-investment way to get a feel for whether you might be interested in dating, and doesn't give anyone false hopes.

What leads you to be disinterested in people? How much of that can you figure out online- or on the phone?

And yeah, watch out for outdated or misleading photos- though usually those people have other negative clues too.

personals, windowscreens, submarines

[http://users.livejournal.com/_duncan/]

Expect *NOTHING*. It's very likely to come of online dating.

I've actually met one person I'd corresponded with on OK-C. We didn't arrange to meet; I just happened to recognize her on BART. After a few minutes I was most thorougly repulsed. I genuinely hope I never meet her again.

Those who have arranged to meet haven't shown up.

So don't waste too much time writing. Avoid Craigslist unless you enjoy playing games with people who won't show a face. The sites are a form of entertainment but don't work at putting people together for even a few hours.

how do you decide who to message?
Those who've written to me. Those I already know. Those whose photo catches my eye and whose profile text looks friendly. Huge red flags are noted but don't preclude the initial contact.

how long do you usually chat
It varies a LOT. Some a week. Some years.

meeting all the people you contact
Er, no. See above.

you aren't interested
About four minutes. 100% of them: one of one. Not awkward at all.

[tunape.livejournal.com]

epicureanangel has some good comments. I had my share of it, and was frustrated at the medium and the process. Especially as a guy, it's very hard to even get anyone to respond - but like tammy says, don't take it personally. Online dating is like cattle herding - it's the shear number that counts, not about each individual cow.

also, like tammy says, be true to yourself. in your bio, try to be as specific as possible. just about everyone ad I've seen says, "I'm smart, beautiful, and fun!"(are we expected to see someone say, "I'm dumb, ugly, and boring"?)

Finally, there's some academic literature about online dating - most of it about perception and first impressions.

I've been curious about trying craiglist, but don't know if they are in Canada. good luck!

[polywolf.livejournal.com]

I've had one really good relationship come out of on-line dating sites and i've been with her for 7yrs now.

But I've also had some misses that never really went very far. I met three people from these sites but it didn't seem to click.

I personally have had more luck when i'm not actively looking for partners than when i have been actively looking(I guess the spirits have blessed me that way). The one ex-girlfriend that I had when I was actively looking turned out be one of the worst relationships i've ever been in.

[professor-booty.livejournal.com]

Hey there, I'm a friend of epi_lj and okoshun, and thought I'd share what insight I may have here.

I've met 6 women through dating sites, but have had the most success with Adultfriendfinder - largely because they just happen to have the most members. Alas, it isn't a free service. And the other downside is that putting out a shingle that says 'attached, poly, looking for new partners' is likely to just attract men looking to get laid and go home. But I think that's probably going to be true with most sites - except PMM, perhaps. If I'm going to be honest though, my own motivation for placing internet ads is largely based on a desire to get laid, so who am I to point fingers?

"-how do you decide who to message?"

First and most important criterion: someone local! After that, someone who sounds 'for real', mature and intelligent, and usually someone with a picture. I understand that some people are wary about putting a pic online when they don't know who might be 'stalking' the ads, but I'll always ask to see one ASAP. Actually, the second most important factor in deciding to initiate contact is that I sense the person in the ad is looking for pretty much the same thing I am...which generally isn't a problem on 'sex personal' or 'poly' sites, but I still see ads seeking 'long-term relationship, leading to marriage'.

"-how long do you usually chat with someone before you meet in person?"

A week, two at most. Just enough time to screen out people who are clearly going to be trouble, or freaks. But if I sense any interest at all, I think it's best to proceed directly to face-to-face, where you can determine if there's any 'spark'.

However, it depends on what you're looking for, I think. When meeting someone new, my preference is for determining as soon as possible what the shape of the relationship is going to be. Mere friends? An activity partner? If the primary purpose of the new relationship is going to be sexual, than it should be moved into the physical realm as soon as possible. If you meet someone cool that you may want to develop a regular long-term friendship with, than spend as much time as you want getting to know each other online.

-do you usually end up meeting all the people you contact, and if not, what fraction of the people you contact do you figure you end up meeting?

I've met at least half of the women that I've initiated contact with. Sometimes, responses stop, or I quickly determine that I'm not interested ("oh..you're a devout Christian...I see..."). But most of the time we've at least met for a chat over coffee.

-when you meet in person, how often do you quickly find that you aren't interested, and how awkward is that for you?

It's happened a couple of times. But it's never been so bad that I felt like sneaking away. I've always been able to keep chatting, and say goodnight. It's true that many people are far more chatty online than they are in person, but I've yet to have a meeting comprised of nothing but awkward silence. If nothing else, you can chat about sex. :)

[inki.livejournal.com]

I've met two of my current sweeties online, one on PMM and one on OKC.

I have found that it is a good idea for me to put together a list of things I want. Currently this list is: poly, BDSM, queer, local, and able to handle fuckbuddy-style relationships, with a slight preference for tops and men. The thing about personals is that you can check through lots of people quickly, and having a clear idea of disqualifiers in my head helps to keep me on track. Also, I've discovered that there is a clear difference between a profile that is kind of interesting and a profile that totally blows me away. These days I only go after the ones that blow me away.

If you are interested in someone, definitely message them. Be prepared to get a low percentage of replies back. I got back one in ten when I was doing this. When people message you, it usually means they are genuinely interested, which is a good starting place. If they are messaging you for bad reasons, adjust your profile to warn them off, or failing that get quick with the delete key.

Along those lines, I think it pays to sit back and take it slow. When I first started doing personals, I expected that something good would happen in the first week or two. It didn't. The first good thing was six months in. The second happened this last winter (three years into my personals usage), when I wasn't really looking, though I had left my profiles up. There is something to be said for just putting up a good profile and leaving it up through whatever turns your life might take.

As for meeting, I say meet before you put in any serious time or emotional investment. I second what someone else said about the online experience not telling you squat about actual attraction. Be prepared to meet a number of people, and probably reject most of them. It's awkward, but being honest and quick with it is the way to go. Start with coffee, or something else where you are not stuck in their presence for long if you do not want to be.

You probably already know this, but the OKC matching system is phenomenal. I trust it to the point where I will automatically consider someone who hits 85% with me, and automatically reject someone below 60%.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the feedback...

Regarding the OKC matching system, how many questions have you answered?

And, how ruthless are you about saying what you want on those questions? That is, obviously on questions like, "are you polyamorous" I would indicate that their answer is a deal breaker. But I've had successful relationships with people who have different philosophies on a variety of things, such as eating or not eating meat. Obviously, my ideal long term sweetie would also eat meat, because it simplifies things. But do I really want to make that a dealbreaker? More relevantly, since you find their algorithms successful, do YOU generally consider something like that a dealbreaker? Similar, but more pronounced: I'm pagan and kinky, so my ideal primary would be pagan and kinky. But I could have a perfectly excellent relationship with a non-pagan, or vanilla person. Again, would you mark something like that as a dealbreaker, or what?

[inki.livejournal.com]

Regarding the OKC matching system, how many questions have you answered?

I've answered 500, but I think things start getting good around 300 or so. The system rewards you with higher percentage matches the more questions you answer, but once you get to 90-something percent, that's good enough. This will take a couple hours, I seem to recall.

Again, would you mark something like that as a dealbreaker, or what?

First off, while the question importance may be "mandatory", that doesn't mean it will automatically push your percentage way down if you disagree with someone. It just reduces it a bit more than whatever the previous level is.

I only mark dealbreakers if they definitely are. For example, if the question was "would you be okay with your partner seeing other people?", then I put "yes" (as their answer) and mark it as mandatory. If the question is "are you a slut?" I would put "yes" as their answer and mark it at the level below mandatory. I think it pays to be a little relaxed about the questions. When going through, I actually mark "don't care" on around a third of them, because they are things that I consider minor for relationships.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I'm not great at being proactive, so mostly I reply or don't reply to people who message me, instead of messaging them first. I've been getting pickier as time goes on, but I think that's mainly because I've been getting pickier in real life as well.

OKC, thanks to their spiffy matching system, is the only site I've had real success with, and most of that success was in the first year I was using it; after that, I think I sort of ran through all the cool people, though the getting-pickier probably had something to do with that as well.

It usually takes a few weeks of chatting before I'll meet someone, but not much more than that. It's gotta be good chatting, though; most of the people who message me never do get a good conversation going.

Most of the people I met in person turned out to be pretty cool, but missing that extra little spark of interest; this did turn out to be awkward. I wrote about that here, a while back.