Mememememe!

[danaeris]

A self indulgent meme, found by way of otheronetruegod.

We all have things about our friends that make us slightly envious. Not in a bad way, but in a 'Wow! I wish I had that person's hair/eyes/money/relationship/toenails/whatever.'

So tell me what about me makes you envy me (if there is such a thing - if not, Lie), then post this in your LJ and see what makes me envious of you.

Comments

[aaangyl.livejournal.com]

I'm envious of your free time. I'm envious that you have a safety net (in the form of your family and being able to crash with them to get yourself together). I'm envious of how many people seem to put such large efforts into connecting and communicating with you even when you return very little to them.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your response/participation.

I have to admit that I viewed this meme as a feel-good thing, and so your response really hit me unexpectedly. I'm not attributing that to your intent at all... I'm simply commenting on my reaction.

But, I must have a guilty conscience. Your envy of my free time and my safety net made me feel like I have it easy and should have made more of myself in this time -- an insecurity I often struggle with, given the many opportunities I have had in life which I've thrown away. And your envy of the way people throw energy my way when I return so little... this made me feel particularly poorly. It also made me think about the give and take in my life, how I perceive what I get vs. what I'm actually getting, etc. I don't know in what context you meant that, exactly -- perhaps you were referring to LJ comments, in which case yes, I get WAY more lj comments than I give, something I'm working on (ie. I'm working on commenting more in other people's journals, responding to comments people give me, etc.). But in the rest of my life, that statement gets weird. If you look at friendship and support as a tit for tat thing, I have needs. I need my tit (*snickers*). And I have lots of tat. I'm willing to give tat. But no one seems to want my tat. Not since I graduated from college.

At MIT I gave and gave and gave to friends. In general, I gave more than I received, letting friends sleep in my dorm room for months because they couldn't cope with being alone, or being the sole confidante of someone who was nigh-suicidal... several someones, during the same time period. I was also one of the more sought after resources on sex and relationship advice in my corner of the community.

But since MIT, no one wants my tat. And in spite of that, I still need my tit. I have needs, and they generally AREN'T being met, and so I whine, and people feel guilty and give me attention, but they're getting their tat elsewhere and ... well, yes. That's generally how it seems to work. I feel shitty about it. But I also feel defensive. It's not my fault that things seem to work out this way. It really isn't.

This also brings us back to what I envy you for. Your independence. You don't appear to suffer for lack of tit. You don't get caught in this cycle I'm caught in. Go you.

And yes, I'm aware that this is way more than you meant to provoke in what was supposed to be a lighthearted meme. I'm sorry, and certainly do not expect a response.

[aaangyl.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your response. I definitely didn't intend to hit any buttons, but sometimes it happens and I made a decision to not hold back and hope if something poked you'd confront it rather than hold some silent grudge. Thanks for voicing, really.

Yeah, this is obviously the view of someone that just sees whatever portion of your journal see, which is why I phrased that last sentence in particular with 'seem'. And its also representitive of various of my own things. If you'd done this a year or two ago, I'd probably have said I envied your myrid of relationships and how easy it seemed to be for you to get laid, but sometime between then and now I worked through certain of my own issues and realized really the only main barrier I was encountering was myself, in a lot of senses.

I seem to get a lot of tit, but I'm also incredibly busy, so it really doesn't take that much to book my schedule for several months straight. It's pretty ironic, but I think if I was less busy I'd be marked degrees less in demand. Not just because of supply and demand, but because keeping so busy means I'm always getting exposed to new things and gathering new stories to tell and all that, which tends to allow me to be more interesting to larger numbers of people. It's also forced me to increasing levels of time and priority management. I'm not really happy about it - I'd be much happier with much more downtime, I think, but there's just stuff I have to do if I want to do other more fun or relaxing stuff, and it's a long process to pare that down to a more comfortable level. I have needs, and it's my job to meet them, and I've been doing a really bad with some of them for a really long time, so I've got a lot of work to do. ^_^

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

I envy you your lack of inhibitions.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I used to delude myself into thinking I really had NO inhibitions, but that's obviously not true. For instance, living with an amazing cook for so long, I became inhibited about cooking. One night I started drinking really early, and when I got tipsy, there was no dancing naked on the table top. Nope. I went and cooked myself dinner, because that is what I was inhibited about. :)

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

Let me rephrase, then: I envy you the lack of certain inhibitions that I have in abundance. :)

[tshuma]

I envy you your fresh start, and in my mind I can pretend that making it didn't have other costs. (I do know better.)

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

In many ways, I think that my years in San Francisco were the price I had to pay for this fresh start. I had to really hit a low point to make the decision to move in with the parents. I had to get all those internships and make all those connections in order to get the jobs, and the opportunities I have now. And, I suppose it was a hell of a lot cheaper than going to grad j-school (and possibly more fun).

I wish you your own fresh start, or equivalent thereof. :)

[yiab.livejournal.com]

the confidence you appear to have in yourself and, more importantly, the fact that it's not at all misplaced.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

That's a surprising one! I don't feel confident at all. I feel like a quivering mass of insecurity. But, thanks for your vote of confidence! It's always good to hear nice things from other people. :)