Understanding myself that little bit more
May. 17th, 2002 07:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisI realized today that I believe the following statement:
"All of my previous employers except ESG and skating customers hate me. And even ESG is starting to hate me."
Wow. What a totally unbalanced, ridiculous position!
I've been engaging in this pattern of behaviour. I will enter a job of some sort. I will feel insecure, and so the first time I fuck up or am lame/late on an assignment/have bad work ethic, I will feel like my boss or co workers SEE that in me. Then I'll feel that they disrespect me, which will make me dread going to work, because I feel I can't handle it and am not wanted there, and so I'll be even more incompetent...
It eventually becomes a self-fulfililng prophecy in some cases.
Embarrassing. Stupid. And something I clearly should be able to move beyond.
And just as I was realizing this, ESG awarded me the Todd Anderson teaching award, which comes with dinner at the Elephant Walk and a ph4t ch3c|<. d00d.
So I've resolved---This summer will be different. I will not be lame. I will go in there KNOWING I'm competent. And I will have a good work ethic, thereby getting the work done and not feeling bad about things.
"All of my previous employers except ESG and skating customers hate me. And even ESG is starting to hate me."
Wow. What a totally unbalanced, ridiculous position!
I've been engaging in this pattern of behaviour. I will enter a job of some sort. I will feel insecure, and so the first time I fuck up or am lame/late on an assignment/have bad work ethic, I will feel like my boss or co workers SEE that in me. Then I'll feel that they disrespect me, which will make me dread going to work, because I feel I can't handle it and am not wanted there, and so I'll be even more incompetent...
It eventually becomes a self-fulfililng prophecy in some cases.
Embarrassing. Stupid. And something I clearly should be able to move beyond.
And just as I was realizing this, ESG awarded me the Todd Anderson teaching award, which comes with dinner at the Elephant Walk and a ph4t ch3c|<. d00d.
So I've resolved---This summer will be different. I will not be lame. I will go in there KNOWING I'm competent. And I will have a good work ethic, thereby getting the work done and not feeling bad about things.
