Rape, sexual assault

Someone just posted in the toronto community about being sexually assaulted on TTC during rush hour. Luckily, she was assisted on the spot and the police took the guy away. However, I wanted to say a few things to her, and thought they bore repeating.

It is particularly timely, given that International Women's Day was yesterday, and tomorrow I'm going to have my first therapy appointment, which hopefully will lead to me finally dealing with my own rape and assault experiences.

So, here's what I wrote:

I'd like to second what sashatra said: This is how it always happens. Even in social situations. I've had people (both men and women) push my boundaries with massage leading to fondling, or simply reaching out and slapping my ass, or other such inappropriate liberties, and in another situation I had a date-rape experience.

It is not unusual to have this happen to you. It is not because of you. It is because of the way we are taught to not make a big deal, to not rock the boat, to not humiliate people, to be nice and accommodating.

No one has said it, so just in case you need to hear this, some standard things survivors of rape and sexual assault often need to hear:
Regardless of what people are saying about what they would have done, or what you could do next time... THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT

Let me say that again: This was not your fault.

It is NORMAL to react the way you did at first, not saying anything. This man was taking advantage of the social contract, and of basic human behaviour, in doing what he was doing. It was not your failure to not say anything; it was his failure for taking advantage of the way people react in situations like this.

It is also normal to blame yourself, to try to figure out what you did wrong, and to be angry with yourself for not doing A, B, or C. Obviously, there are things you could do differently -- there's always SOMETHING you could have done differently. And when you're ready, you absolutely should think about how you can handle situations like this to minimize trauma to you and to protect yourself better. I also recommend taking a women's self-defense course.

But don't buy into the blame. This didn't happen because of your actions or inactions. This happened because this guy is an asshole, is a bad person, etc. Blaming yourself will only hurt you more.

When I went through my first experiences with this sort of thing, I felt violated. I wanted to do violent things. I was angry all the time. I ripped pieces of paper to shreds. Some people suggested finding or making shards of ice and smashing them. I took a model mugging course and kicked the shit out of volunteers in giant padded suits. It was great. :)

I wish I had the energy and time and know-how to set up a model mugging group here in TO. joedecker, you guys are angels. SFBA and Boston, you guys are incredibly lucky to have Impact. I cannot recommend these courses enough.

'dem shivers

Frequently, I'll get this tingly feeling in my spine, kind of in the middle, or between my shoulder blades, and I will shiver uncontrollably for a few seconds. The people around me often ask if I am cold, or ask me what's wrong. When I say, "That just happens sometimes," many of them seem puzzled, as if they have never had it happen to them before. Others say, "oh yeah, that happens to me too."

So, I wonder: Is this something that happens to everyone, or just some people? And if so, why?

[Poll #687772]