Gossip, rumour, and talk: Where do we draw the line?

[danaeris]

I'm struggling with the fact that there is a lot of gossip and rumour about me these days that is false, or at least, misunderstands me.

This of course leads me to want to examine how *I* should be talking about other people.

I'd like to leave behind the word gossip, and just ask, "When is talking about other people bad?"

It's probably not binary. There's probably a spectrum. But I guess I'd like to find some basic guidelines for talking about other people ethically, and then force myself to stick to them. I'm sick of the pain and hurt and angst and drama that is caused in my life and the lives of others by 'the bad kind of talk.'

So, where do you draw the line? I'm looking for serious thought here.

Comments

[secretsoflife.livejournal.com]

the time to be careful is when it's negative. i'm pretty ok with talking about other people when it's positive, respecting boundaries of privacy and out-ness and other important stuff like that... but if it's something negative, it's important to constantly question why you're spreading it? is it useful? is it something the person you're telling about it needs to know? do you need help coping with it, and if so, is the person you're telling an appropriate person to help you with that, or will they a) be unduly burdened by the need to help with the coping, or b) spread the negative info in a bad/mean way?

those are my thoughts on it, anyway. hth.

[freefloat.livejournal.com]

I use a three-criteria rule:

Is it truthful?

Is it necessary?

Is it unlikely to cause harm?

If a given piece of information cannot meet at least two of the three criteria, I do not speak it. If it fails at least two of them, it's invariably better not said.

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

And the second of those is the one that needs stressing; most people have a fairly good grasp of truthful and likeliness of harm.

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

I struggle with this myself. For me it's more that I tend to be very open about my life, but other people in my life might not be so open, so for me the challenge is to remember to say nothing, and to find ways of saying nothing that are not offensive, when asked a direct question. I have no skill at deflecting inquiries. It's hard for me to say "that's none of your business" with any tact, or "I don't want to talk about that because the other person might not want me to" etc.


I'm not a good person for keeping secrets. I can, but it is a persistent unpleasantness and I prefer not to be told things that people don't want repeated.

As for gossiping about people, I generally consider myself ignorant enough about people that I see no point in venturing opinions on the behavior of others most of the time; I feel unqualified to have them, pretty much. I don't understand people, don't try to understand them, don't want drama or grief, and studiously ignore politics of all kinds. I'm generally happier that way. As a result, people don't really tell me much of anything, so I have nothing to gossip anyway.

[outcastspice.livejournal.com]

well, the jewish perspective is that pretty much any talk about other people can have negative effects -- even if you praise somoene, too much praise can be a bad thing, or someone who hears it can feel jealous. and of course, negative talk is negative. and then that has to be balanced against the need to share information, and the hardcore need to warn others about people who are damaging/acting unethically, which i think you're only permitted to do if you can prove it/have experienced. so really my answer is moderation in all things, and i hope that's helpful.

-s.

[blackorchid1.livejournal.com]

There's no right or wrong as you've identified. I share information in person and never online when it comes to how I feel about people or their actions. I may share my opinion but I make it clear that it's my opinion, not fact. After all, memories are not perfect, so truth is subjective.

[kinvore.livejournal.com]

I try not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to their face. Then again I can be pretty blunt to people, especially if I care about them.

I'm usually far nicer to strangers, go figure.

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

Why do you want to talk about A to person B in the first place?
Is it to criticize? To warn B about A's behavior? To judge A?

I'm not sure I've ever known a person that I felt compelled to warn others about...maybe one, and I was young, and it was very special circumstances.

If you're mad at A, and want someone to share or validate your opinion, that doesn't seem healthy. That seems wrong to me, harmful. I'd avoid it. Or tell a shrink in confidential discussion. But that's me.

It's true that if somebody is bothering you, hurting you, and you need to talk it through with somebody, then that's valid, but I think in that case it is important to have a friend or two who you can trust not to repeat such things, and important to make them promise not to repeat those things. Such venting can damage reputations, and sometimes unfairly, due to temporary feelings, passing moods, temporary pain.

[kalagni.livejournal.com]

Freefloat said a good set of rules.

For me, it's obviously a complex equation (and probably why I never end up talking to others about my problems with people :-p).

First, can the person I'm talking to handle it impartially? If they know the person it is about, or know people who know, are they the type to spread it, but more importantly, take it emotionally to heart? Personally I have people somewhat badmouthing lots of people close to me, but I don't mind if there is a purpose, because I shrug it off as an opinion, nothing more.

Second, is it objective? There is a difference between "X is a lazy ass how leeches off of others" and "X hasn't had a job in six months."

Third, is there a reason to tell someone?