General update

[danaeris]

Relationships

Things are good with all three of my sweeties. Spryte is having surgery next Tuesday, which is scary, and she's in a lot of pain, doped up on pain killers to get her through the day until her surgery. This sparked another bipolar episode the other night. I love her and I'm quite worried. She seemed much better yesterday and today, however, emotionally. Hopefully, that will continue, and the dumb psychiatrist offices will bloody well call her back soon.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my rape experience impacting my ability to be intimate with my lovers. The last time I made love with Will, I was unable to cope with him fingering me or going down on me. We had intercourse, and I was crying the whole time. He kept on checking in on me, and I did want it, but I couldn't stop crying.

Often, although I feel horny or aroused, I'm not comfortable having sex. Sometimes the memories are too close to the surface of my mind, and I just can't do it.

And, I can't remember the last time I subbed to someone. I think it may have been with knotty_mark, which means over a year ago.

I find it ironic that many people in the community I was in refused to acknowledge the validity of my experience. Regardless of what label you apply to it, however, the fact that I was once practically a nympho, and now have trouble coping with being sexual, the fact that I was once an enthusiastic submissive, and now I pretty much only top... It doesn't matter whether I was raped, or not. The effects on me have been similar. I am similarly traumatized, and that's not my fault.

Physical Health

I've been getting sporadic but large amounts of low key exercise, and that's been feeling good. However, some of my other issues have been acting up -- my groin injury in particular, but also to some extent, my knees.

Attempts at weight loss have not been successful. My improved eating patterns and exercise levels have made me feel better and have higher energy levels, but I don't seem to be losing any weight. In fact, Sunday morning I weighed in at 200 lbs. for the first time. I am not impressed. I feel fat and ugly, and have noticed that I'm starting to make clothing choices that hide my body. I could go into hyper management mode where I log, weigh, and measure everything I eat. At this point, it's beginning to look at the only solution. I could also try to exercise more, I suppose.

I've got weird pain in my right jaw/ear that's been bothering me all day. I hope it goes away; not sure what's causing it.

Mental Health

Today is my first Effexor free day! Yay! This is very exciting. I was down to 7 granules, and when I realized that I had left my pills at Elysium and would have to return home (downtown) rather than crash where I was (Arcadia, in Mississauga), I decided to take a leap and try to go without. And I feel fine!

My mood has been variable but mostly positive. I feel fairly certain that the Celexa doesn't *quite* do it for me. I'm hoping that with more therapy, I'll be able to cope. If not, I hope to either try out Wellbutrin, or to supplement with 5HTP.

I also am hoping that when I start at Ryerson, I'll be able to use one therapist for relationship stuff and another for career and anxiety stuff. I have a lot of rape-related issues I've barely dealt with, and as things stand, being ready to go to school in September is a higher priority -- yet I really want to deal with my intimacy issues.

Finally, I just started the Mindulness Based Stress Reduction course at Sherbourne. It's good, but flakey. More on this when I have more to say. :)

Work type stuff

I'm working on three articles for Xtra, and I pitched another to Macleans. I need to follow up on the latter, polish off the first two for Xtra, and start and finish the third.

I also am doing volunteer work for CSWA in order to get into the conference in June free.

I also have been stepping up the amount of volunteer work I do for the poly community again.

I do feel like I'm juggling a lot, but at the same time, I feel good about how well I'm coping. I do feel that the workload, especially the professional stuff, is impacting my stress level. I do feel like I need a little more resting time, so after these articles and the Macleans I may rest some more. We'll see.

Also, I got my class schedule! I will have classes Monday afternoon, all day Tuesday, and Wednesday afternoon. Sweet. My classes are all mandatory, though: Covering the City: Reporting and Writing, Research Methods for Journalists, and Urban Politics and Society for Journalists. I'm not thrilled about this, because only the Research Methods really interests me. In that regard, the first term will by far be the most difficult to get through, because I have so little interest in the classes I'll be taking. But, I just have to make it through that term, and then I think in the remaining three terms, there are only two classes I'm iffy about, and even they are preferable to this focus on city/urban crap.


Wednesday before last I had a really great, romantic date with rbowspryte. I surprised her by showing her some of the artist gardens that are in front of the Harbourfront Centre (Queen's Quay and Simcoe St.), and we had dinner at Il Fornello.

Thursday night yaksman and I went to The Sultan's Tent together. It was super awesome. The food is priced according to its quality, plus you get a hot belly dancer. The best part was when a toddler got up and tried to learn to belly dance. She was SOOOO cute!

Friday morning I had my first MBSR, and then I walked to the SOMA chocolate factory/store in the distillery district. I priced some chocolate and then walked to St. Lawrence Market, grabbed lunch, and then hopped a bus to Hamilton.

After dinner with my father, I went to the Friday evening of BayCon. There I played my first ever WoD Vampire game! I was a Daeva Circle of the Crone Maiden. The best part was when we needed a police contact to get us the GPS location of a cellphone, but none of us had contacts. Since I had striking looks and lots of presence and charisma, I finally said, "Fuck it. We're in Hamilton, right? I go to the closest Tim Hortons, and find a police officer to flirt with and extract the info from." It worked like a charm. I got to roleplay it all too. It was fun/funny.

In spite of the fun I had had, I was sorely disappointed in the convention as a whole -- I had expected there to be a 24 hour gaming room with games from which to sample and play with friends old and new... instead there was a room where you could play games with friends if you brought the games with you. I can do that at home, thank you very much. The panels were sparse, most of them were not interesting to me, and some of them even cost extra money. After some consultation, rbowspryte and I decided to skip the convention in favour of fabric shopping on Ottawa Street.

Let me tell you, if you are doing home decorating, Ottawa Street is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY cheaper than Fabricland or Toronto's Queen St. fabric district. They have none home deco fabrics too, but not as much of that, whereas Queen's St. has mostly fashion and only some home deco, but the prices were way more. Compare $7/yard to $25, or $13 to 32.

That evening we went off to BENT for some sceney fun. I got glammed up and wore my corset green side out and my leafy viney nature goddess nylons that I made for an Original Sin themed Sin! back in SF. I invoked a circle with a condomed purple dildo, put my phallus in the chalice of my lovers' asses, beat the shit out of both of them (with the dildo and butt plug still in)(god damn my arm was killing me afterwards), and then untied them and had hot sex. I just wish we had been there early enough to socialize more before I had to work my door shift to pay for my entry.

Sunday we did a little furniture shopping, mostly for curiousity and fun, and zoned out.

Monday rbowspryte, tocityguy and I went to Queen St. W. to fabric shop, and then rbowspryte and I met up with yaksman to see Evil Dead The Musical. Let me tell you, I HIGHLY recommend this. It is a bargain, and well worth the effort.

Tuesday I worked and then met up with my parents and brother for dinner followed by Cirque Niagara. I gave my mommy pretty roses for a pre-Mothers Day gift. The circus was good, fun. The execution was not as good as Cirque de Soleil, but still quite good. There were two accidents during the show though; one horse slipped and fell on his side -- he could have crushed his rider's leg, but there didn't seem to be a problem. Later, the knife thrower accidentally let a knife fly into the audience. I kid you not. No one was hurt. But scary!

Wed/Thursday I worked. Thursday night/Friday I had a date with the Wolf. We ate at Caseys, and then I worked. Friday I went to my MBSR, finished my work, and then we went to see SpiderMan 3! I didn't like the cheesy way they did the Venomized Peter Parker. I didn't like the transition for Green Goblin at the end -- it was too sudden. That's most of my complaints. I also felt the end was a little too sappy. But yeah. Good times.

Saturday was a House Marathon hosted by the fabulous darkestembrace.

Sunday I met up with the Wolf, his mom, and the Spryte early in the day. The Spryte cooked us an awesome brunch, and then we went to the Sheridan Garden Centre.

I managed to run away from the Spryte long enough to find her a flower cool enough to give her. I gave her a pot of Dahlias much like these:


I said it had character, just like her. :)

She also bought some Pothos to keep indoors... hopefully the vines will prosper year round and trail down the many landings in their open concept home, looking gorgeous as it twines in and out of the banister.


And we also found this one, which I planted for her:


It was the first thing I've planted since I was a child, with the exception of the tiny potted sunflower I planted at a Beltaine Rit earlier this month, and so I'm pretty excited. I also transferred my sunflower to the Arcadian garden because it needed more space to breathe and a support stick.

Afterwards we gamed. Yay Star Wars gaming!

Today the social was super awesome. We had 17 people, and ended up talking about all sorts of poly stuff. I had a really good time. :)

Tomorrow I have all sorts of worky things to do, but in my usual scattered fashion, we'll see how much of it I actually get done. Wednesday is a Spryte date and Thursday is a Yaksman date and Friday is my MBSR, and then Sat/Sun/Mon I'll be camping, and then Tuesday I'm keeping the Spryte company for her surgery. I may stay over Wednesday and/or Thursday as well to care for her. Then that weekend is Anime North, which I'll be attending for Xtra as well as my own pleasure, and Sunday is more gaming. Babbly.

Comments

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

We had intercourse, and I was crying the whole time. He kept on checking in on me, and I did want it, but I couldn't stop crying.

I'm so sorry I didn't know it was so bad as this lately. I wish I could protect you from those memories or help you like I did at the kinky salon party shift you thinking somehow. I know a lot of mind tricks but not one that can make something like this better.

I find it ironic that many people in the community I was in refused to acknowledge the validity of my experience.

From what I understand of communities, people social structures and rape accusations this is normal the victim becomes a victim again by announcing her situation. Instead of it being a "so and so made a mistake and this horrible thing happened" it becomes a "let's protect X" from this terrible fate!

I know you will sub again and it will be great! (not necessarily to me however all must be thought out, negotiated and nothing taken for granted).

Today is my first Effexor free day! Yay! This is very exciting.

I love you and I am so proud of you. *happy sobs* Not because you kicked Effexor but because you did something you set off to do. It wasn't right for you and you seem to be doing well right now without it. However don't be discouraged if you have to take something else other than Celexa or something else. It shows that you know yourself and knew Effexor was a bad choice for you. That is strength.

Wednesday before last I had a really great, romantic date with rbowspryte.

...and I am very happy with the new found romance.

That evening we went off to BENT for some sceney fun.

The scene itself was unique and clever one of the greatest orgasms I've ever had came out of that scene.

I said it had character, just like her. :)

I'm getting a lot of flowers from you lately gender stereotypes aside I guess I'm the chick then...I could be OK with that.

Sat/Sun/Mon I'll be camping, and then Tuesday I'm keeping the Spryte company for her surgery. I may stay over Wednesday and/or Thursday as well to care for her.

Sap moment: I am grateful for every minute together. Thanks for your help this week it has been hard. Love.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I find it ironic that many people in the community I was in refused to acknowledge the validity of my experience.

Well I think that was largely because of the whole "I was raped but the person who did it isn't a rapist" thing. That just doesn't fit into most people's perception of how rape works. We get it drilled into our heads that rape is a violent act, rape is something that is perpretrated in victims by attackers and aggressors, not by clueless and inexperienced tops who fuck up. A lot of people are friends with the person in question and know he's not the aggressive type so the idea that he could have anything to do with rape creates cognitive dissonance. I think that could easily overshadow the acknowledgement that you had a traumatic experience that needed to be dealt with gently. I had a REALLY hard time with this myself - trying to silmultaneously be sympathetic towards you while also feeling like "but you're hurting my friend - stop it!" - because you DID hurt him. A lot.

It doesn't matter whether I was raped, or not. The effects on me have been similar. I am similarly traumatized, and that's not my fault.

And I think that's EXACTLY the sort of acknowledgement that would have helped people understand. Probably at the time you weren't able to see it in those terms, still being too close to it and all.

[polywolf.livejournal.com]

The definition of rape is sometimes in the eyes of the person who was raped not the person who did it. The person who did it may not see anything wrong with what they did while the victim may be changed for life.

Sometimes it just takes the person who did the rape to say to the victim "You know, I think I did something bad to you, I'm sorry, Is there anyway I can help you recover?"

I don't really want to cause problems anywhere and maybe this is something I should take up with Danaeris myself but I don't see how the person who did the Rape can be the one who got hurt?

If a person does something sexual to someone else without their consent that is Rape no matter how you look at it. Wheather it's an inexperienced Top or someone else, if there was no consent or the person was unable to give consent due to being in subspace or the person goes beyond what was agreed to, then the situation should be stopped, apologizes given and people try to fix the situation. This is what safe words are for.

As friends of both sides I may see where you were conflicted but as their friends you should be able to look at the situation and say "look you screwed up, fix it".

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

The definition of rape is sometimes in the eyes of the person who was raped not the person who did it.

The words "I was raped but the person who did it is not a rapist" were her words (probably slightly paraphrased - it has been a while), not mine and certainly not his. I'm just saying that's not a definition of rape most people are familiar with and it creates cognitive dissonance as a result. I find it entirely understandable for people to not get that and fail to be entirely sympathetic as a result.

I don't see how the person who did the Rape can be the one who got hurt?

I didn't say he was THE ONE who got hurt - I said he got hurt. You don't think angry accusations from a person you care deeply about can be painful? Especially when he has a history of false rape allegations in the past? Having friends turned against you and lovers break up with you over it?

And all those things you're saying he should have done he tried to do - he apologized, he went and took classes about scene negotiation so that he would understand exactly how he fucked up. It wasn't enough to fix things. I don't think ANYTHING he did could have fixed things at that point.

due to being in subspace ... This is what safe words are for.

And if the person is too far into subspace to give the safeword? And didn't know beforehand she was capable of going that deep? The only thing that could have fixed that is better negotiations at the outset, which neither of them knew were needed. Inexperience on both sides.

I'm not just talking out of my ass here - I was in the room at the time this happened.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Wow. OK, first of all, Xta, I DID say at the time that it doesn't matter if it is rape if the effects on me are similarly traumatic.

Second of all, I did not make angry accusations, and no one broke up with him because of what happened. If you're talking about cortneyofeden, she stopped dating him because the first THREE dates they went on he spent the entire date processing about me (this included before the incident occurred). That would piss off any girl.

Third of all, this had nothing to do with lack of inexperience on my part. Not only was there no negotiation, there was no consent to do any scening of ANY kind. We'd never even discussed the possibility of scening. At all. And he had been in my presence several times that weekend when I told other people that, in general, while I might be up for some light pain play that I was not up for any D/s play. He claims that he heard none of that... but he did know I hadn't scened since unseelie had dumped me, so if he had any sensitivity at all he would have known not to try to initiate a scene without a lot of discussion.

He initiated the scene without even asking, and I was so floored, I didn't know what to do. I froze, like a deer in the spotlight. I went into sub space without consenting to the mere possibility. I detached, and started pretending that this wasn't happening to me, interacting with other people in the room, anything to ignore what was going on in my own body.

You may have been in the room, but you didn't know the context, and you didn't know what was going on in my heart and mind.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Re: angry accusations, I told him straight off that he was not a rapist. He was a clueless fuckup for all the mistakes he made, but I made it clear to him that I attached no intent to his part, but that nonetheless my experience was as it was. He denied my experience in spite of that.

Also, he did NOT do everything he could. He behaved in ways that showed no remorse for the mistakes he did make, and no compassion for what I was going through. There are ways to defend your boundaries while having compassion. He failed to do those things.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I DID say at the time that it doesn't matter if it is rape if the effects on me are similarly traumatic.

It's possible you said that to other people. What I heard was an unwavering insistance on using the word "rape" and refusing to even talk to anyone who wouldn't use that word.

Second of all, I did not make angry accusations, and no one broke up with him because of what happened.

Well he tells it differently. And for that part I WASN'T in the room, so I can't really say. But, no, I wasn't talking about cortneyofeden.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

http://danaeris.livejournal.com/592998.html

I did not use the word rape in public. You can see what I actually said IN PUBLIC in the journal entry linked above.

The word rape was only used in private discussions, and on the surviving filter, where I also said the things you said I ought to have said.

I went into the filter to discuss these things for many reasons.
(1) To protect myself from being attacked by people when I was already in a very delicate, vulnerable state (people WERE attacking me for stating my experience, btw)
(2) To protect his reputation -- I didn't even want to say the R word to anyone who wasn't part of the group that had already heard the story from me or him, or someone who would never meet him.

For someone to have dumped him because of what happened, they would need to have either been on that filter, or heard the story from him, or heard the story from someone on the filter who blabbed. The only person he was dating who was on that filter was cortneyofeden. And I can't control who he or people on the filter blabbed to, but I DID make it clear that the filter was confidential.

It's not my fault if he did get dumped because of what happened.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I didn't say it was your fault. Will asked how he could possibly be hurt by what happened. I was explaining how.

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

See my fuller comment below but I would like to stress that
inexperience about sex does not mean that you don't have to worry about consent - that doesn't change because you are topping and don't know the rules for that.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

My feeling is that it changes the nature of the fault of the perpetrator.

Someone who proceeds without consent or contrary to consent WITH KNOWLEDGE that they are raping the person is a bad, malicious person.

Someone who proceeds without consent, but is never told to stop because the person in question has frozen, is a clueless fuck, but is not a bad malicious person.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

inexperience about sex does not mean that you don't have to worry about consent - that doesn't change because you are topping and don't know the rules for that.

But the rules CHANGE - consent in a BDSM context is not done the same way as in a vanilla sex context. And if the two people are working in different contexts that's when fuckups exactly like this happen. Part of being an inexperienced top is not necessarily knowing that things have progressed from simply pain play to D/s. I've been in that situation - I mean I've been in non-negotiated sub-space. And I don't blame the tops in question for putting me there. In my case nothing bad happened because my brain works different from danae's and I don't go so deep that I lose the ability to communicate boundaries. Everyone gets the "no means NO!" lecture in sex ed. Most people don't get "how to negotiate a scene" as part of it.

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

I disagree completely. Consent does change, yes - it becomes hyper-critical. From what little I know of the situation (as written here) - I don't even think that "normal" sexual consent was obtained.

Also, from a legal stand-point, inexperience is no excuse, nor is there a different standard as to how to demonstrate that you have consent. Of course, in some US states, you can't withdraw consent once beginning sex but that is the exception not the rule and is certainly not the case in Canada.

You may not blame your tops but I would. They should not be moving into areas which were not agreed to. This BTW, is VERY different from the discovery of a button that the sub and/or top did not know to exist. Continuing to push that button, when discovered without consent, is a violation, too.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

There was one point in the scene where he asked if he could "try something new with me" and I tremulously said "okay." If he had asked me before the scene was initiated, I would have said hell no to the entire scene, and I certainly would not have agreed to a mysterious 'something new.'

Later in the scene he checked in with me, and all I did was whimper. I did not acknowledge his check in, but he continued, and escalated the scene.

I interacted with other people, but that was because I was disassociating. He took the conversations I was having with others about things outside of what I was experiencing as signs that I was okay, when in fact it was the opposite -- a sign that I was very much not okay, and trying to pretend that what was happening was not.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

Also, from a legal stand-point, inexperience is no excuse, nor is there a different standard as to how to demonstrate that you have consent.

Well given that people have been prosecuted for ENTIRELY consentual and negotiated BDSM activity, I don't think bringing the legality into the discussion helps clarify things. The law lags pretty far behind the accepted practices of the BDSM community in that regard.

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

If you understand legal history, that's perfectly understandable although regrettable. However, it is also (from a legal standpoint) a different issue - despite the connection of consent.

The law is far from perfect but you can't compare the issue of the courts' failing to _recognize_consent_ to violence (for which there is the "sports exception") to the issue of _absence_of_consent_ nor even to those cases where they do not permit consent to be revoked after penetration has been initiated (some US states still hold this). The sports exception is based on community standards for an activity. When many of those legal cases attacking the kink community were brought forward, the understanding of the legal community was that there was no level of acceptable risk in sex and that BDSM was an uncommon, unacceptable activity. Those attitudes are changing, however. Can't quote you cases because I can't search them at work.

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

Incidentally I find this rather insulting, both to me and to the people who I choose to have sex with:

You may not blame your tops but I would. They should not be moving into areas which were not agreed to. This BTW, is VERY different from the discovery of a button that the sub and/or top did not know to exist.

And what makes you think the latter isn't what happened?

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

I only have your words to go by.

You said, "I mean I've been in non-negotiated sub-space." That, to me says that you weren't there just for a moment until things got clarified, especially in the context of this whole posting, as I took you to mean a closer experience to what danaeris relates, than you perhaps meant.

AS for being insulted? I regret that my own strong emotional response to people who baby people (now I'm being inflamatory, I wasn't before) who don't seek consent as a basic part of their sexual repetoire, bothered you.

[AS an aside, I also think that much much more needs to be done to demand that people say yes, not just no. That it should all be verbalized.]

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

You said, "I mean I've been in non-negotiated sub-space." That, to me says that you weren't there just for a moment until things got clarified

It was said within the context of the previous sentence. i.e.:

Part of being an inexperienced top is not necessarily knowing that things have progressed from simply pain play to D/s.

The bit about being in sub-space was intended to clarify that in the inexperienced-top situation I was talking about I was the sub and not the dom. I thought it was necessary context. In both situations the person saw that something had changed in my demeanor, checked in with me that I was OK (I think I said "mm-hmm" but it might have been an actual "yes"), they were reassured and the "scene" went on. Later, when I came back, I told them what had happened in my head. In both cases the answer was something like "I thought that might be what happened but I wasn't sure". The MAIN difference I see between what happened to me and what happened to danaeris is that I KNEW the entire time that I had the ability to stop things - I don't go non-verbal like she does. Nothing that happened was non-consentual because I did not lose my ability to consent - but it was non-negotiated.

AS an aside, I also think that much much more needs to be done to demand that people say yes, not just no. That it should all be verbalized.

And I disagree. I think there's a reason everyone made fun of Antioch College when they tried to do this - because it denies the reality of how people's psychology works.

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

Everyone? Really? Don't think so. Check out: http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=OTY3ZDZkYzg3YTE2MjU1YjhhNjUzZTJlZDQ2OTdkYjg=

I'm willing to bet most people have never heard of it, but the code seems to be working for them - they still have it.

That aside, people are capable of checking for consent during sex and of stopping should there be a change. It isn't easy, but that doesn't matter.

Sex educators like Susie Bright also hold similar opinions to me. Most people I know were appalled at the recent Maryland rape law case (see http://feministing.com/archives/006002.html and follow the links for the full story) which if I understand your reasoning, you'd have to support because the decision was in part based on male psychology (although it was largely based on other points).

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

Everyone? Really?

Lemme guess - you've NEVER used hyperbole! That can easily be translated as "everyone I heard mention it", "a fucklot of people", "the vast majority of people". Or, perhaps, exactly as the article you linked to said: "it was widely ridiculed as a joke". I still think it's joke and there's no way in hell I'd be caught going to that school or letting any of my (theoretical future) kids go there.

in part based on male psychology

I said PEOPLE'S psychology. I don't divide people by gender for no good reason (and there's very rarely a good reason). Non-verbal communication is hugely important to us as a species. We evolved many of our mating behaviors before we even had language and a lot of that persists to this day. Forcing people to verbalize everything goes against human nature. Personally my rule for anything sexual is "if you have to ask the answer is no". If a prospective partner can't tell based on my behavior that I am into what he is doing then either a) I'm not into it or b) he's clueless I don't want to be involved with him. And as such I telegraph my intentions as loudly as I can (as someone who has informally been tested as borderline-aspergers I get having a hard time reading emotions so I make mine very explicit). So if someone asks me, even if prior to the question the answer might have been yes, the question itself turns it into a no. This is the main reason I don't do sex parties (or don't have any sex when I go to them). The insistance on explicit consent squicks me and I can't deal with it. I understand why they do it and in that kind of atmosphere it makes sense, but I cannot deal with it. Even in the Antioch College rules they allow a "no" to be behavioral - i.e. pushing someone away - but a yes has to be verbal? That's a double-standard. It reveals the idiocy of the policy. If I can express a behavioral "no" I can damned well express a behavioral "yes".

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I should add that the "if you have to ask the answer is no" rule doesn't apply to certain kinds of BDSM - or at least it doesn't apply in the same way. But that's mainly because it's not a yes/no kind of situation - when a person is tied up, blindfolded, gagged, etc. they're not going to be able to express their pleasure/displeasure in the same ways so laying out the boundaries ahead of time is necessary, and checking in to say "are you ok?" when in new territory doesn't indicate the same sort of lack of clue (then again, over time I would expect any top of mine to learn my reactions over time and not need to do it as often).

[jadasc.livejournal.com]

There I played my first ever WoD Vampire game! I was a Daeva Circle of the Crone Maiden.

*grin* Pleased. I can imagine you having a blast with such a character.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my rape experience...

You know... I don't believe I knew about that. We only saw each other briefly at Arisia, and if there was a post about it here, I didn't see it. If there's a link to it somewhere in this journal, could I have it?

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I was a maiden slut. Good times. :)

re: rape... see most recent PSA. Got sick of it all. You can now see the relevant posts, if you can find them.

[johngnassi.livejournal.com]

Best wishes for the surgery - please pass along (even though we don't know each other, it can't hurt).

Please check with yourself to make sure you're having sex because you want it more than you are pained by or afraid of it, not to meet someone else's needs. They'll be time for the latter later. I'm sorry you feel such conflicting strong emotions.

I think you will heal from your stressful sexual experience. I do understand you will relive it as you go along the process of healing - please do share your feelings and get lots of cuddles and hugs (not necessarily sexual). I hope I'm right in surmising that you have access to enough good friends near you.

At 200 lb I am absolutely certain you are gorgeous - you can't hide your beauty by being overweight! If you wear clothing to hide your body, I'm worried you'll adopt behaviors that match that mindset, and if you project that you feel you're ugly, then people will pick up on that and treat you congruently. Maybe you want to do that to avoid attracting more sexual attention - but if that's so, consider giving yourself a time or outcome limit on this - I'm worried that if you leave it open ended you will reinforce your negative self-image and become more depressed. To be straightforward, I wish you felt you could dress yourself to feel beautiful too, even if it meant buying a few items that were larger and fit you in a flattering way.

I'm not worried about your physical health by being overweight for a time while you are working on multiple issues - I know you can focus more attention on it when you get other things more under control. You've been under a lot of stressors (even the good things have been stressful or at least had significant stressful components).

I'm happy to chat about medical or any other issues - call/AIM/Google Jabber/mail!

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

>Best wishes for the surgery - please pass along (even though we don't know each other, it can't hurt).

Thanks! I'm very proud of her... She's been taking a regular dosing of acetaminophen, codeine and methacarbomol to get through the day (and her pain is still often a 4 or 5 out of ten), and has been having increasing nausea, chills, and clamminess, and so today she (a workaholic who believes in the strength of her will) sat down with her boss and said, "I can't do this." She'll be going on short term disability starting tomorrow. It's so good to see her taking care of herself.

>Please check with yourself to make sure you're having sex because you want it more than you are pained by or afraid of it, not to meet someone else's needs. They'll be time for the latter later. I'm sorry you feel such conflicting strong emotions.

The problem is that I'm horny. I'm aroused. I WANT to have sex, but other parts of me are scared, or uncomfortable. It's not so much the desire to meet other people's needs, although that comes into play at least a little. It's more a question of warring needs within me.

>At 200 lb I am absolutely certain you are gorgeous - you can't hide your beauty by being overweight! If you wear clothing to hide your body, I'm worried you'll adopt behaviors that match that mindset, and if you project that you feel you're ugly, then people will pick up on that and treat you congruently. Maybe you want to do that to avoid attracting more sexual attention - but if that's so, consider giving yourself a time or outcome limit on this - I'm worried that if you leave it open ended you will reinforce your negative self-image and become more depressed. To be straightforward, I wish you felt you could dress yourself to feel beautiful too, even if it meant buying a few items that were larger and fit you in a flattering way.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Problem is that at this weight, I'm having increased IR issues... more sugar crashes, dizziness, etc. So I definitely need to lose weight, and in the meantime, the clothes I have don't look so good on me. Also, I'm on a very tight budget right now, so getting clothes would be very difficult.

I'd love to chat about anything. I sometimes fear though that you will feel that I want to talk about medical things too much. I DO want to talk about you, about life, the universe and everything, and get to know you better, as well. I hope you realize that.

[johngnassi.livejournal.com]

"I sometimes fear though that you will feel that I want to talk about medical things too much."

Ha! To twistedly paraphrase a movie tagline: "Be reassured. Be very reassured."

Medicine is no worse a topic for me to chat with someone about than computing, politics, love, family, hell just about anything. Anything but sports, that is. I don't understand sports. :)

[oakleaves.livejournal.com]

Finally, I just started the Mindulness Based Stress Reduction course

You may find that mindfulness meditation can be a transformative approach toward retaining, and healing, one's self away from the outer and inner noise so common in a stressful world. Best wishes.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping! I've heard really good things from metalana about MBSR, so hopefully it will be as good for me.

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

Danae,

I have no idea if you were raped or not, not knowing you or anyone else connected with the incident. I think it is unfortunate that people seem to be upset with you because you belive yourself assaulted (touching another person without securing their consent is assault) and yet didn't want to label the perpetrator as a rapist because, perhaps, you feel somehow complict in the action or because you know him to be a good guy in other circumstances. Language has failed you. Others were present. If they didn't stop the activity then they may well feel complict, too and want to deny the reality of your experience. Doms have an additional responsibility to secure consent. Inexperience is ABSOLUTELY no excuse. NONE. See if you can find a rape consellor (sp?) who is comfortable with D/S (don't waste your time if they aren't) who can help you process some of this, and help you with the language issue. Inexperience about sex does not mean that you don't have to worry about consent - that doesn't change because you are topping.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the thoughtful and compassionate response.

One of the things that has left me angry with the man who did this to me is that the last time I discussed it with him, after he'd taken an SM 101 course and discovered how he had messed up, he still seemed to feel that he held no responsibility for what had happened, and that *I* had been negligent.

My view is that part of what happened was two people's issues colliding in the most nasty way possible. So in part no one is to blame. But if there is blame to be cast, I do feel that it should lay at his feet -- he should have known not to initiate a scene without any discussion, negotiation, etc. He should have known that in a first scene you shouldn't aim to push boundaries or outdo a previous top. He, whose then-primary has written papers on nonverbal safewords, should have known that subs can go nonverbal, and that if you check in and the person only whimpers, you STOP.

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

The person who initiates sex is supposed to establish consent. Full stop. Legally, this is incredibly important becauset here are too many situations of date rape where the woman feels too afraid to protest.

I am incredibly distressed when people seem to think that this matters less in a kink situation. I don't know how many times I've heard the excuse that the person didn't know what they were doing. As if that matters. They are responsible for that lack and thus the resultant error.

And yes, subs are still people, who should say no and get out of it, just like the date rape victim. But that doesn't absolve the initiator at all.

Sorry. Consent is one of my buttons.

[danaeris.livejournal.com]

>>And yes, subs are still people, who should say no and get out of it, just like the date rape victim. But that doesn't absolve the initiator at all.<<

I think this is in many ways the crux of the issue. Because I didn't say no, people don't seem to understand that it doesn't change what happened, nor his culpability to at least some extent.

In many ways it appalls me that people who are feminists, who are so "progressive", in this day and age, can still not GET this.

[kinvore.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that you've endured such a horrific experience and that it's affected you so adversely. Is there any kind of counseling you can get? I know it's a complicated situation but damn you shouldn't endure this without getting some kind of help, it sounds like you're going through a form of post traumatic stress disorder.