For once, a New Year's Resolution
Jan. 1st, 2007 12:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
danaerisIf you go back in my journal, you'll find that by and large, I never make New Year's Resolution.
This year is different.
This year, I will turn my back on fear.
And it was a conversation with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
spiritchrysalis that crystalized this transition I've striven to enact.
Perfection and achievement.
Failure and mistakes.
Judgement and condemnation.
I've been struggling with the question of how I can continue to hold up those qualities I admire and maintain my values without judging and condemning those who lack them -- including myself.
Ceasing to value those qualities and values would solve this problem. Yet, those things are worthy of the value I ascribe them. I cannot bring myself to abandon these things, because I do believe them to be true.
There is a step that I left out, however: Fear
When I am presented with a path, if I cannot see the end, or I expect a bad end, I shy away. I cannot condone failure, and see only the destination.
When I see those I know walking down a path I believe will ultimately go wrong, I react from fear. I see only the end, and not the journey. And because they are choosing that path, I assume that they could not possibly see the bad end -- because otherwise, they would not choose to walk that path!
What I have forgotten is the value of the journey, the balancing of risk and gain, the possibility that we might overcome our handicaps, and the possibility that success is judged not by the end result, but by the process and the joy gained therein.
In fact, it may be that those I know are well aware of the likely end-point towards which they are headed. And it is quite possible that they don't care, because what they want is the journey itself.
To all those I have judged, condemned; warned or lectured... I beg your forgiveness. I've been a fool.
To all those fears of failure and mistakes that plague and paralyze me... I banish you, never to darken my psyche again.
And to all of you, I wish a happy new year!
This year is different.
This year, I will turn my back on fear.
And it was a conversation with
spiritchrysalis that crystalized this transition I've striven to enact.Perfection and achievement.
Failure and mistakes.
Judgement and condemnation.
I've been struggling with the question of how I can continue to hold up those qualities I admire and maintain my values without judging and condemning those who lack them -- including myself.
Ceasing to value those qualities and values would solve this problem. Yet, those things are worthy of the value I ascribe them. I cannot bring myself to abandon these things, because I do believe them to be true.
There is a step that I left out, however: Fear
When I am presented with a path, if I cannot see the end, or I expect a bad end, I shy away. I cannot condone failure, and see only the destination.
When I see those I know walking down a path I believe will ultimately go wrong, I react from fear. I see only the end, and not the journey. And because they are choosing that path, I assume that they could not possibly see the bad end -- because otherwise, they would not choose to walk that path!
What I have forgotten is the value of the journey, the balancing of risk and gain, the possibility that we might overcome our handicaps, and the possibility that success is judged not by the end result, but by the process and the joy gained therein.
In fact, it may be that those I know are well aware of the likely end-point towards which they are headed. And it is quite possible that they don't care, because what they want is the journey itself.
To all those I have judged, condemned; warned or lectured... I beg your forgiveness. I've been a fool.
To all those fears of failure and mistakes that plague and paralyze me... I banish you, never to darken my psyche again.
And to all of you, I wish a happy new year!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-01 07:09 am (UTC)It takes extremely big courage to admit that. If you can carry out this resolution you will gain respect you have never before experienced. If you cannot you will continue to be frustrated in your attempts to gain it.
Fear is what stands in all our ways... stands between each of us being the maximum that we can be and reaching that ever-elusive potential. Fear. And you can and do have the courage to beat at it until it shuts the fuck up... but it won't be easy. It never is.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-01 10:37 am (UTC)As long as you approach this without fear, the rest is easy.
BTW: Don't you mean
no subject
Date: 2007-01-01 06:08 pm (UTC)In my experiences with similar matters, I have found that I am not usually able to make changes in one dramatic step. With me, the process seems more like 2 steps forward, one step back, another step forward, fall down, maybe lay there for a while, then get up and manage another couple of steps forward before I slip back again. I hope that your journey will be smoother than mine, but if you do experience these sorts of plateaux and setbacks, I wish you all the strength you need to keep going.
I am reminded of the verses to "Drive", by Incubus:
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.
...
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.
I was inspired when I first heard this, and it seems to me congruent with what you wrote.