(no subject)

[danaeris]

[Poll #883381]

To be honest, in my experience, telling a polite lie in this context is
(1) usually, deep down inside, motivated by fear and guilt on the part of the liar, at least as much as by compassion
(2) likely to cause problems down the road, because the person you put off for excuse A will come back when excuse A is no longer in effect and try again -- or it if becomes clear that excuse A was an excuse/lie, become angry.

When someone tells me what sounds like a polite lie, I am usually pretty uncomfortable, because I suspect that they are lying, but I'm really not sure, and I may never know. That's a pretty uncomfortable sentiment when dealing with someone you socialize with.

Bah. It started as such a nice day. Now I'm all testy.

Comments

[garden_hoe21]

I think saying that you aren't attracted to a person in that way will almost always be read as "sorry, but I think you are hideous." I'd rather say "Thank you, I'd love to hang out, platonically/as friends. When did you wanna get together?" Or, if you don't even want to hang out with the person platonically, "Thank you, but I don't feel romantically inclined towards you."

[freefloat.livejournal.com]

I'd add that I've seen, (and had it happen to me) that while a person may not be initially attracted to someone else (thus making "I'm not attracted to you" a True statement at the time) sometimes, later on, the askee might revise his/her opinion of the asker, and find them attractive enough to want to get to know better. How then does the askee revise his/her earlier answer without appearing to be some kind of an ass? Or shallow? (because their socks may not have been knocked off by physical attraction at first meeting?)

[jadia.livejournal.com]

I wrote my comment and then I saw yours - I think there's nothing wrong with saying "I don't currently feel the same way about you". I think I would actually stay away from statements of attraction and such, because people tend to perceive that more as *physical* attractiveness, where really, it's about far more than that, isn't it?

[luckytroll.livejournal.com]

Well, in one question you put it "The next week..." but the answer given earlier was phrased "Right now" - It is OK to say "not interested right now" and then change your mind and date someone else 7 days later. A lot can happen in a week.

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

Personal favorite is the "I'm flattered but I value our friendship" line which is B.S., especially if there wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.

[jadia.livejournal.com]

I believe in telling the truth in a tactful way. This isn't always easy. But I strongly believe in telling the truth.

Sometimes you're not currently interested, though you could possibly imagine being interested at some point in the future. So then I would just say something like, "Well, unfortunately, I don't currently feel the same way. Let's just keep being friends."

Or if you want to completely rule that out, I would then say, "I'm not actually interested in you in that way. I'd like to be friends though."

Or if you didn't actually want to be friends, even, you could say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested. Excuse me," and then walk away.

(But presumably if the asker is in your social group you at least like them enough to be some kind of friends.)

[freefloat.livejournal.com]

Hear hear.

re: polite lies

[etherial.livejournal.com]

Lies of any kind make me uncomfortable. In a situation like this, I would consider lying to be a very poor choice. Be honest. Be tactful if possible, blunt if necessary.

[dicedork.livejournal.com]

Anything involving "I'm not attracted to you" seems to translate somewhere between the mouth of the deliverer and the ear of the responder into "You are not attractive," and so I avoid it at all costs. I've done my share of both of these, and honestly at the end of the day the "not attracted" option seems to do more damage.

I used to get all wanky about those polite lies, but I realized that it's just people doing their best to spare your feelings. These days I just say: "I personally don't have romantic feelings towards you right now."

[jackspryte.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what the right answer for two and three are. I don't lie but I also don't beleive in being basing decisions on popular opinion or social climate/group. It's important not to embarrass people so it's a delicate procedure. So I can understand trying to be really sensitive to it but I think in the end people will think either negatively or positively depending on so many circumstances that it just can't be controlled.

The polite lie is rarely a good option (unless maybe if someone highly emotional has a gun!). I think there is a good way of figuring out to say anything, sometimes it's just hard.

*hugs* big time!

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

I think I'm amused that I picked the same "bad" answer for all the questions. And then say it is best to be truthful.

I never figured out how to tell people I wasn't interested.

[metalana.livejournal.com]

Making excuses won't dissuade a socially clueless person; they will ask again when A is no longer in effect. A socially skilled person will instead observe that you're lying (or avoiding the truth), and be insulted, and perhaps not want to be your friend. Either way, the social-lier loses.

However, it's entirely understandable that people come up with little lies in such situations. Who wants to hurt someone's feelings (perhaps egregiously)? The temptation is to use little white lies, which are an effective technique in unimportant, quickly forgotten social situations.

The trick is in the phrasing. I bet there are ways to be clear to the clueless, honest to the observant, and encouraging to the self-effacing.